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i'm trying to figure out how to balance the level of stress between DH and I <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> so far he feels he'd be more comfortable if i saw a dr for prenatal care (to cover us legally, but we are still discussing whether it is necessary), but he is on board with UC. i feel that seeing a dr will be stressful to me. i basically have 2 options, if i see a dr: 1. play along, and basically lie (don't want to do it, stressful and i don't like lying) and 2. telling the dr i was UC-ing.<br><br>
i'd like to relieve DH's stress, if i could, but i'm also very uncomfortable with option 1 and nervous about option 2.<br><br>
is the second option "dangerous" in any way? would i be making myself really vulnerable to CAS etc? (Dh thinks a dr won't care, but even if they don't care, would they want to step in or something?)<br><br>
ETA: <b>no access to a midwife here.</b> sorry to bold it, but it is not helpful to hear that doing prenatal care or shadow care with a midwife is an option for me.
 

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I wouldn't tell... because most docs think even homebirth w/a midwife is super dangerous - they'd probably be down on you for doing it at all, let alone UC. I just wouldn't bother talking about birth plans. Show up, let them do their "thing" and go home. Or, better yet, find a midwife. I guess it would be a lie of omission, but... better than having them somehow call CPS on you or completely ruin your mojo with their negativity, kwim?
 

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I'd be nervous about telling a dr I was planning a UC, for legal reasons.<br><br>
I wouldn't outright lie to the Dr, I'd just go for a preliminary checkup and then tell him I hadn't yet chosen a midwife, or go to a clinic of some sort and if they call for follow-up tell the receptionist "I've found alternate prenatal care." Which is true, you're doing your own prenatal care.
 

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I disagree with your DH, to an extent. Not that I think that a Dr. would personally "care" that you are UCing, but I do think he would refuse to continue to see you for pre-natal care, and quite possibly report you to CPS or whatever child protection services you have in your area.<br><br>
I, personally, would NOT tell a mainstream doctor that I was planning to UC. I would, however, happily tell him that I <i>did</i> UC, after the baby was born and healthy (yes, it's a rub it in his face kinda thing, but really, it needs to be done...).<br><br>
In your case, if I felt that I needed to see a doctor for prenatal care, even if only to allay hubby's fears, I would most definitely lie to the doctor. And yes, it would stress me out a HUGE deal, as I am not a liar, and lying is very difficult for me. But to me, the safety of my baby would be at stake, and that is more important than lying to a doctor who has probably lied to many, many of his/her patients in the past.<br><br>
(Wow, I sound bitter, and I really have no reason to be. I'm just spouting out what I feel...please take my advice with a grain of salt.)<br><br>
It's a tough position to be in, for sure. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Follow your instinct and your heart. If you feel you need prenatal care, for whatever reason, get it. But if you plan on having a truly unhindered birth, it may be wise to simply go along with the doctor's plans for YOUR birth, and then have an "oopsie, baby came too fast!" when the time comes.<br><br>
I wish you peace in whatever you decide! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
i'd like to find out, and i have no idea how <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">, whether the danger of being reported and red-flagged is real / certain / likely vs. my worry that it is real, certain, and likely. is it my general mistrust, or the majority of drs would report you or at least start pressuring you in unpleasant and stressful ways. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"><br><br>
any ideas on how to find out?
 

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I do not think that it would be wise to tell the Dr. that you planned to uc. When my old midwife and I were talking about my last uc we talked about me possibly doing prenatal care with her. She was very supportive of me UCing but told me that if she knew that I was planning to UC that she could not provide prenatal care as it would put her in a legal position. For example if something went wrong at the birth, that she had no control over because I did not call her then she could be held responsible because she did not "stop" me from UCing.<br><br>
The other thing I wanted to tell you is that before we UCd last time there was a meeting here with lots of different moms who had UCd and those who were planning them. The general consensus was that DR were fine if you showed them after the fact (like opps) but that most were very uptight and very unhappy about the whole idea.<br><br>
Anyways all of that just to say if it were me I would lie, or really just let them believe what they wanted to. My Dr believes that we had midwives last time and that they didn't get there in time. He also believes that we are using the midwives again this time. I just let him keep thinking that.<br><br><br>
Robbie-Lynn<br><br>
p.s. I totally understand the desire to know if CPS would actually be a problem. For us I believe that we have so many 'strikes' against us. We UC, we have a lot of kids, we homeschool, we do not vaccinate, we seldom if ever do to the DR. All of these things together make it so that I would not give anyone any information about my birth choices if I did not believe that they were 100% supportive.
 

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i would not tell a mainstream doctor, no. first, s/he likely would drop my care or harass me ad infinitum with medical scare.<br><br>
with this, consider getting prenatal care with a midwife. some midwives are open to "a la carte" care and "shadow care" for UCers. I'm hoping that one of the two midwives that i'm going to interview as soon as i know i'm pregnant is open to this. I'm fairly certain that one is. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
so, that should do well for you and your husband.
 

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I did my own prenatal care. It's not illegal to not get prenatal care. There was no way it was worth the stress for me. Where I live, I would lie. Hate to do it, but there isn't a doc that I know of around here that will support someone having an unassisted birth.
 

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You could always tell him that you plan to labour at home for as long as possible but do you have any other options? Is there a midwife you could use instead of a regular Dr? She could give you more hands-off care and tips on selfcare which would be way more valuable when UCing than just a Dr's worryridden opinions.
 

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Hello crossposts! I need to type faster while NAK.<br><br>
And as usual zoe said it so much better than I did! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Unfortunately, with my first birth I DID tell a mainstream doctor. He was the family practice physician who did my prenatal care. I told him my plans and he scoffed at me, but didn't threaten/report me or anything. What he did do is lay out all sorts of horror stories he had encountered over the years of women with dead babies, stuck babies, huge tears, etc. He said, "You'll be back (in the hospital for delivery)" as he rolled his eyes.<br><br>
I was scared and demoralized when I left his office. That fear and anxiety stayed with me and I ended up delivering in the hospital after a "failed" UC. I went to the hospital after four days of exhausting labor because I was scared, tired and in pain. My son was born less than 45 minutes later, completely healthy. But the damage was done. We were both handled roughly, I had a huge episiotomy and tear and we were stuck in the hospital for two days.<br><br>
There have been so many times I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut and not told him. I think I would have had a much better birth at home. Before I told the doc, I was not afraid. Afterwards, I felt horrible.<br><br>
Don't tell.....just my opinion from a hard-learned lesson.<br><br>
With baby number two, we had a UC, but had to go to the hospital afterwards because we live in a foreign country for passport/birth certificate reasons. I was just very, very vague about all the details. Nobody asked too many questions and I really think that's the way to go. I didn't lie, but I didn't tell them all the details. I told them I had wanted to stay and labor at home as long as possible....it just happened to be the whole labor.
 

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Most doctors would assume you were birthing in a hospital, as mine did until she realized I knew/read too much. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br>
Now, she has not asked me point blank, she seems to be a very smart woman and seems to respect my knowledge and self education levels.<br>
Its Clearly assumed on her part now that I will be staying at home, as every statement she makes has an 'alternative.'<br>
A lot of "You know, just incase <i>you dont make it.</i> *wink*"<br><br><br>
So, in the end, you may be stressing yourself out for nothing.<br>
Go in for some prenatal care - you dont have to follow their absurd schedule - and get what you want out of it. Answer only the questions you want.<br>
I've really used this as a way to strengthen my ability to assert myself to 'authorities'.<br><br>
The nurses positively loathe me, but my OB seems to really like me - so in the end, it evens out.<br>
I say a lot of "I've already discussed this with my providers, thank you" to the nurses when they harass me about tests etc. Repeat ad nauseum.<br><br>
I hope you're able to find something that makes you comfortable - but don't stress too much. Do as I did, go in every other (or three <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> months, and just walk through it.
 

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I did shadow care with a family doctor. I didn't tell him about our plans. It would have been nasty. He freaked when I only questioned him about abx and GBS. He told me to find another doctor or accept the abx, I was 38 weeks. I found another doc but not until after the baby was born. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I can't imagine what he would have done if I had told him I was planning a UC.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Bekahsmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9933920"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The other thing I wanted to tell you is that before we UCd last time there was a meeting here with lots of different moms who had UCd and those who were planning them. The general consensus was that DR were fine if you showed them after the fact (like opps) but that most were very uptight and very unhappy about the whole idea.</div>
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This was my experience too. The new Doc I saw the day after DS's Birth was very accepting. Especially because I had a fast labour it would have been an oops UC even if we hadn't been planning it. We just said that we didn't call an ambulance cause everything went fine. When she asked how I knew what to do with the placenta I told her I had a book on child birth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">: Just didn't tell her they were midwife books. I don't think her reaction would have been as positive if she knew it was planned.
 

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Dr's I encountered after the fact were totally fine with it, perhaps because it was over and said and done with (?) The Dr's that I told or ended up knowing, while preg with #2, wanting to UC, (got scared into an induction because I kept "going along" with the prenatal care in the hope that I'd just quietly go into labor and birth at home on my own) gave me hell. <i>HELL.</i>
 

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If I were seeing an OB, I would probably play along that I was going to birth in the hospital, maybe throw it out there that I plan on laboring at home as long as possible and maybe even hiring a midwife, but in the end, just have an "Oops! Didn't make it in time! Oh, well!" birth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I would not tell them. Do shadow care if your DH will feel comfy (you can always have an OOPS delivery) but if you tell them your plans you will likely face problems because they have legal and moral imperatives to report things that can be considered "dangerous".<br><br>
Best not to put them in that position.<br><br>
Now, telling them afterward (it was too fast, but all was ok so no need to go in after baby got here) will probably be fine.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>moodymaximus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9933343"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i'm trying to figure out how to balance the level of stress between DH and I <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> so far he feels he'd be more comfortable if i saw a dr for prenatal care (to cover us legally, but we are still discussing whether it is necessary), but he is on board with UC. i feel that seeing a dr will be stressful to me. i basically have 2 options, if i see a dr: 1. play along, and basically lie (don't want to do it, stressful and i don't like lying) and 2. telling the dr i was UC-ing.<br><br>
i'd like to relieve DH's stress, if i could, but i'm also very uncomfortable with option 1 and nervous about option 2.<br><br>
is the second option "dangerous" in any way? would i be making myself really vulnerable to CAS etc? (Dh thinks a dr won't care, but even if they don't care, would they want to step in or something?)<br><br>
ETA: <b>no access to a midwife here.</b> sorry to bold it, but it is not helpful to hear that doing prenatal care or shadow care with a midwife is an option for me.</div>
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I'm in a similar position, in that my husband is a fairly mainstream (but learning quickly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">) guy who couldn't bear the thought of a homebirth with our first, let alone anything more radical than that. I'm sure he'd be very uncomfortable if I suggested forgoing medical appointments during pregnancy. The nearest midwives are 4 hours away - in good weather. I totally sympathize on that front - those who have ready access don't always understand that it's sometimes not an option.<br><br>
Our 2nd was an accidental UC - we did call the ambulance afterwards and honestly that was the worst part of it for me. I told the doctor that it wasn't a typical labour pattern (it wasn't) and I didn't realize how far along things were. I do wonder though, if a *2nd* accidental UC (even though the 1st really was) would draw way too much attention to me.<br><br>
Perhaps it would actually hep to have a relationship of sorts with the doctor - the doctor I saw after my 2nd was born was my friend's husband. He wasn't going to report me to Children's Aid, he knew me as a parent, not just as a random 'homeless/ druggie/ neglectful parent' who couldn't be bothered to get medical care. (Please don't think I actually label UCers with such terms, just that those kinds of perceptions are why CAS might be called)<br><br>
ETA: Even with a doctor I trusted fairly well, I'd never state my intentions to UC. I'm not sure that they could *do* anything - really even CAS can't do much before hand, short of a court order to be forced into a hospital! But the stress, and the constant questioning, and the monitoring of that baby after it was born, would be horrendous. I used to work for CAS. If you never get them in your life, you're fine... once they're in, the system looks for reasons to stay involved.<br><br>
No help, just some random mumbling....<br><br>
Erica
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>moonfirefaery</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9937350"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If I were seeing an OB, I would probably play along that I was going to birth in the hospital, maybe throw it out there that I plan on laboring at home as long as possible and maybe even hiring a midwife, but in the end, just have an "Oops! Didn't make it in time! Oh, well!" birth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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This is what I would do too. In fact, this is what I currently plan on doing with not-yet-conceived #2.
 
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