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I desperately need an outlet if any kind ear wants to hear and give advice.<br><br>
Im sure I'm not the only person that this has ever happened too. and i can think of a million reasons why i should stay calm. and i can think of dozens of things to help me control the rage im feeling. but nothings is working for me. I exercise and i come back angry. i escape into a book and i come back angry. i cant even get myself into an activity that might be productive. within 5 minutes im ready to throw what im working on across the room. the negativity flowing out of me is toxic. i had to send the baby to my SIL to keep her safe from the ugly vibes in our home.<br><br>
The problem? six months ago DH informed me he really wasn't interested in sex and needed a break. Oh, says I, I understand. it's because of the antidepressants you've had to take recently. pat, pat, there, there. it doesn't mean anythings wrong with you honey, its a normal side effect.<br>
So, now that he's weaning of the pills, still nothing. Rather, he has announced that he simply doesn't find me sexually attractive, its no the med, its just him. this coworker, or that friend, the lady at starbucks. he feels very attracted to. well says I, I'm way over my ideal weight right now, I can understand that. Just let it ride for a few months while I get myself back to normal, then we'll be happy again.<br><br>
So then he says no, its not that. i'm beautiful and he he loves. I'm just not feeling passion in that mix of love. well, says I (you remember "I": the sucker) it might take some time to get back in sync that way, we'll work towards it. no he says, he has NEVER found me sexually attractive. he loves me so much and he wants our life and our kids and our dreams, and he's soooo sorry he lied and spent all these years longing for other women, but he's just never felt passion for me at all, and he doubts he ever will. but hey, says he (yes, were still listening to "him": the PIG... don't be upset, not being in love with you, doesn't matter all that much, he loves my soul, he needs me, and we can stay together anyway.<br><br>
says I, WTF? why have you done this? all the trouble of courting, a marriage, building a family with someone that you're not even in love with? that you can never be in love with? you have spent the last five years making a fool of me and wasting my time. He apologizes, he says he'll treat me so well and make up for the pain. He has the audacity to tell me that somehow we can still make a second child without resorting to a turkey baster. He talks sweet and then throws a scene of operatic proportions if I started making plans to leave.<br><br>
I am so enraged, I know that I'm not thinking straight. None of my family or friends would be able to help me see this clearly and decide what to do. they all have there own interest or baggage.<br><br>
so here I am, grateful for any 2 cents another mama is willing to toss in.
 

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So if I understand this correctly - he openly says he's not attracted to you and will not be intimate with you aside from creating a child, and that he will be attracted to (and possibly pursue?) other women. BUT that he does not want to split up. So you're supposed to accept this... friendship rather than a marriage, and that is the only option, in his mind?<br><br>
Well, you do have options.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Would you be able to go for some marriage counselling?<br><br>
-Melanie
 

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Hmmm, something about your husband's story sounds fishy to me. IME men simply don't marry women that they don't find attractive...why would they? So it sounds more to me like he is trying to cover his butt for some reason.<br><br>
Did this change in his behavior happen only after he went on those meds? Could it be that, since he is weaning himself off of them, his depression has returned and is clouding his reason? Is he gay? Having an affair? This is something you both need to discuss with a councellor I think.<br><br>
In the meantime I am so sorry for your pain. Who lays that kind of bomb on their wife in the first place? What a *.
 

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If none of what he is saying is making sense, perhaps he is still depressed, or if hes on new meds, is having some kind of physchological side effects from it.<br><br>
Does he even SOUND like himself?<br><br>
ORRRRRRRRRR, he cheated and its over, and feels guilty (Which would explain the no sex) but doesnt want to come out with it. So hes giving this tap dance right now.<br><br>
I dunno, but it all sounds very fishy. Has he ever been a sexual individual? If MY husband told me he wanted to stop having sex, I would have him checked or assume he was cheating. But thats just MY husband.
 

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I think it sounds weird too. Why would he just announce all this if he wants to stay together? It just seems so incredibly hurtful that he loves you so much but he'd say something like that to you. And why would he tell you, on top of not ever finding you attractive, that he's attracted to other women? I'm just shocked that someone would be so mean.<br><br>
My advice is get counseling for yourself and see if he's open to marriage counseling. Then decide if you want to live like this or not. I'm sorry he's done this to you.
 

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The things that he's saying sound very blunt and insensitive. I would think that if he were normally a mean and insensitive person, you would have seen this years ago. The fact that he's saying these things now, after he's been taking antidepressants, makes me wonder whether weaning himself from the pills is having a very bad effect on him. Is this a psychiatrist who prescribed the antidepressants? Can you contact the doctor? Something is not right. It sounds like he is not well.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
misslotus thank you for your response. yes, you've got it. the bare bones at least.<br>
barbie64g, im so confused as to the true nature of whats going on inside him. Maybe depression is clouding his mind, or maybe he is just a lieing rat.<br><br>
there IS affectionate intimacy, he's the biggest cuddler I've ever come across. And I say to him: its not true about never feeling passion. I mean, I was there! he was very passionate at first. but he just responds that that feeling didn't last long.<br><br>
Yes, of course, the sky is the limit on options. but ive got these two big rocks holding me down. the first is that i want our family to remain intact if there is the slightest possibility of doing that in a healthy way. The second is that i am deeply in love with him. i always have been. he brought out in me the most profound love i have ever felt, and that whats getting so twisted.. into this...anger...feeding into the endless rage i cant seem to purge.<br><br>
thank you too Melanie & chamomilegirl yes i have contacted a counselor, no appointment till next week. I need to pull myself into some kind of functional form, the rest of my life isn't going to wait for me to stop sitting around alternately bawling into my pillow and throwing it across the room. but myself doesn't want to get pulled out, i cant get the rage out of my head
 

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I would wonder about his sexuality and health (mental and physical) But at the same time I think you will find more men in this situation than women, and yes they are bitter about it. They stay because they love their kids and even their partner.<br><br><a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936" target="_blank">http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936</a>
 

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Discussion Starter #10
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Marsupialmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15398906"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would wonder about his sexuality and health (mental and physical) But at the same time I think you will find more men in this situation than women, and yes they are bitter about it. They stay because they love their kids and even their partner.<br><br><a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936" target="_blank">http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936</a></div>
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would you be willing to expand on your comment? I feel like your saying more than im understanding...
 

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Wow. I'd be completely dumbfounded (and probably react exactly the same way)...<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> What an awful thing to drop on you like that!!<br><br>
I agree with PPs - get yourself to counselling first, figure out if you even want to 'work it out' with him, and then take it from there. TBH, in your shoes I'd be asking him to move out temporarily at least, until I'd had some time to process and decide what I wanted to do. If he refuses to go it might be worthwhile to go stay with your parents or some friends, at least for a few days until you get to see a counsellor and/or make up your mind about what you want to do.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I'm really sorry you're going through this.<br><br>
I want to say. . .there was a time that I felt this way about my husband (down to feeling like I had never felt passion for him), but I never told him because. . .well, I couldn't imagine saying something like that to anyone without the expectation that the marriage would be over, and I didn't want it to be over. I can say, looking back, that it was nearly 100% depression talking. Now that I'm medicated (on something that doesn't kill my sex drive), I can see it a lot more clearly, and I can remember that passion I felt when we met and got married. I'm not saying that that's what your husband is going through, but it's possible. Before doing anything rash, I'd see if he's willing to talk to a counselor, or go back to whomever rx'd his meds and talk to them.<br><br>
Just don't forget that YOU have a choice in all this. You don't need to sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants to do with your marriage. If you really feel like your marriage isn't reparable, you can make the decision to get out. You can, and should, take control of it.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> What a cruel thing to drop on someone. Has he ever done anything like this before? Is this in his character?
 

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My first thought was that's depression talking. It can cloud a person's vision to see things in a very polarized manner. "<i>Everything</i> is <i>always</i> the <i>worst</i> thing ever and <i>nothing</i> can change it. It has <i>never</i> been any different" Depression can really make people believe these feelings. I'm saying this not to excuse his treatment of you at all, but rather to free you from it's impact.<br><br>
If you can get to a point where you can talk calmly with him, you can let him know that his words were incredibly hurtful to you. That as his partner who he loves he should be more considerate. You can ask him to really review his behavior and comments. Does he really think that you could be happy in a marriage when you don't feel attractive? Does he honestly think that you would feel loved in such a situation? Offer then what you want, what you truly want, which I understand to be in a loving relationship. Try working together on respecting his space sexually while respecting your feelings. Couples Counseling would be a large help.<br><br><br>
For you, I would suggest rest, a good meal, and induldge yourself in a massage/ a little pampering. Maybe some meditation or prayer? Or writing down the things you like about yourself and being a mommy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Asha+Joy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15398952"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">would you be willing to expand on your comment? I feel like your saying more than im understanding...</div>
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Please give room for him not to be in good health whether it is mental or physical. These issues can really mess with peoples mind.<br><br><br>
But, from what I heard what you said from Men being told no more sex by their wife's than the other way around. Many of these men are very bitter about it. It isn't what they want. Their wives refuse counseling, medical eval, et. They are blamed for it all. They truly do love their wife and kids. Leaving isn't an option because they will loose the people they love. At the same time they become bitter and resentful. Self-doubt of what is wrong with them. No understanding that is not necessarily their fault but their mates issue.<br><br>
Having a low or no sex marriage is ok, if both people are on the same waive length. Sex life in a marriage dip and go up.<br><br>
You might be able to get more help if you look at mens board. Find people that are more likely going through this. Before warn though many people that do and have gone through this are very hurt, and often biter. They feel rejected, used, and unlovable.<br><br>
****I don't want to make a huge leap here. Your dh has a medical condition that can be causing what is going on. Yet, at the same time this can be a form of abuse.<br><br>
Change this article she's into he's. It might help but also remember the role of mental illness can be playing a part also. (Male depression is greatly ignored and misunderstood).<br><br><a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/471_reasons-women-withhold-sex.html" target="_blank">http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_ti...hhold-sex.html</a><br><a href="http://www.ehow.com/how_4720872_understand-devastating-effects-withholding-sex.html" target="_blank">http://www.ehow.com/how_4720872_unde...lding-sex.html</a><br><br>
I won't deny sometimes it is a person's fault their partner doesn't want sex but at the same time, it can and I do believe in this case it is, be the other persons (the with holder's) fault.<br><br>
When you read articles you will see a lot of blame put on the person that is being withheld from. It isn't your fault.
 

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thank you to everyone for taking the time, and thanks for the hugs and encouragement.<br><br>
No bejeweled, this not in really in character for him with me. that said, i have seen him be a bit cold to members of his family. so yeah... is this just really the real him and im finally seeing it? that's something im going to have to find out in order to make a decision about going or staying.<br><br>
autumnair & helimom, your right. I'm going to stay with a friend who can help me meditate more effective, I need to get a firmer hold on my spirituality so I can get away from this ugly rage. at this point, my reaction feels like more of a problem to me than his actions. I really feel baby needs to be protected from a mama who is radiating rage right now, so she's going to remain with SIL for a few days while I get on top of this.<br><br>
thank you for sharing your story eclipes. you & susanelizabeth and others all mention his psych state/meds. a visit to his psych together is a near term goal i can work toward. And while i wait for that day I'm going to take your advice marsupialmom; I needed to hear that ((hug)). I'm not going to blame myself and I am going gather some intel on other relationships that have hit this wall.
 

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I'm so sorry you're going thru this. my first husband told me he wasn't "in love" with me anymore about 4 months after we got married (after dating for 3 years). he said he wanted to be married but be friends.<br><br>
2 weeks later i found a receipt in the washing machine from victoria's secret shipped to another woman.<br><br>
he was just looking for a way out and wasn't man enough to tell me the truth or do it himself.<br><br>
Good Luck to you, may your situation find some resolution. my only advice is to write your feelings/anger out in a journal. once you write it down, try to let that particular hurt or anger go. and it may be a good way to see a bigger picture.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15398670"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So if I understand this correctly - he openly says he's not attracted to you and will not be intimate with you aside from creating a child, and that he will be attracted to (and possibly pursue?) other women. BUT that he does not want to split up. So you're supposed to accept this... friendship rather than a marriage, and that is the only option, in his mind?<br><br>
Well, you do have options.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"><br><br>
I'd be so incredibly angry. You've been patient long enough. I'd be consulting an attorney already!! Don't talk to him about it--just act.
 

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I can tell you from personal experience that coming off anti depressants can really jack you up mentally. When I took myself off them, I didn't tell a dr. I didn't become suicidal, but I won't say that I didn't have thoughts. In fact, at some points, the weaning process made me feel worse than what put me on ADs in the first place.<br><br>
While that doesn't excuse what he said, I wanted to tell you my experience to caution you against doing something you can't take back once he's himself again. Because if he's weaning off ADs, he's probably not himself.
 
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