[Jesskathand]

I think my DS (13.5 months) had his first little tantrum last night.

He was getting frustrated with a toy drum that he usually loves and he kept making angry noises and turning the toy upsidedown.

I tried to redirect him a few times and eventually succeeded, while saying "I'm sorry you are frustrated with the drum, would you like to do this instead?"

Was this the right thing to do? Should I have let him have his tantrum? He was not hurting anyone or himself and he was not hysterical.

I don't like seeing my baby upset but I want him to be able to experience emotion as well.

 

[Snuzzmom]

If you were able to redirect, that's great! Once they REALLY get into the tantrums, it's hard to stop... the best I've been able to do is stay with him to make sure he's safe, try to give him words for it ("Wow, you're really disappointed right now") and then redirect once he's calmed down.

Lately we've been talking about whatever caused the tantrum after the fact... usually because he brings it up. That's really nice. Everyone is calm, we can address the issue (sort of... he's only 2 1/2), and he knows that the tantrum had no affect on our love for him.

 

[Disco Infiltrator]

I personally am not a fan of redirecting. Imagine it was you frustrated with the drum and your parent kept telling you to look at the pretty butterfly instead. That said, redirecting works and I think it's certainly more benign than the conventional wisdom of not putting up with tantrums and walking away.

I think it's really really important to address your child's frustration. We use a lot of Happiest Toddler Toddler-ease, which is basically reflecting back DS's emotions using language he can understand. It's a great tool to have in your back pocket when dealing with your toddler. I've found that if DS feels understood he's usually pretty quick to settle down.

Our approach is to stay present and reflect DS' feelings. I know personality comes into play but tantrums are not a huge issue in our house at the moment. Of course DS is 2 y/o and the storm could still be coming.

Best of luck.

 

[puffingirl]

We just started using the Happiest Toddler stuff too (like a pp mentioned) and it seems to help. It may not squelch the whole thing but when I really nail it with matching words and emotions to what she is feeling, she completely stops silent and knows that I get it. There may be additional protesting afterwards but usually at a lower intensity. It feels a little odd but has been worth it for me.

 

[Jesskathand]

Is the Happiest Toddler a book?

The redirecting did work but I did feel like I was not letting him be upset about his drum. I want him to know that having strong emotions are okay and you can't be happy all the time.

 

[Friday13th]

I think in that particular situation, I would have tried to help him get the drum to do what he wanted and let him be a little frustrated. To me, feeling frustrated and mad while you're trying to learn to do something new and overcoming that frustration is a pretty important skill to have. Given his young age, I would have gotten down on the floor with him and tried to physically help him do whatever it was he was trying to do with the drum while talking about how frustrating learning to do xyz can be and that it's okay to be frustrated/mad/whatever.

I save redirection and tantrum-thwarting for things he cannot do because they are dangerous/not allowed by the situation, etc.

 

[puffingirl]

Yes, the book is The Happiest Toddler On The Block by Harvey Karp. I got it at our local library.

 

[isfa]

I'm glad you posted this. I was going to post something similar. DD is almost a year. When she can't play with an object she wants, she screams until I put her down, arches her back, then sits and then lays down on the ground a screams. Obviously, giving her a dangerous object is not the answer. Speaking her feelings back to her doesn't help either because she doesn't know those words yet. Redirecting doesn't really work until she starts to calm down. It certainly doesn't prevent them. Any other thoughts? Just let her have the tantrum and wait for her to calm down on her own?

 

[waiting2bemommy]

my ds tantrums 28746 times a day. I have gotten to where it no longer fazes me. He is very strong willed, like me, and he WANTS HIS WAY NOW. He doesn't like being told no, or sharing me with anybody, even on the phone, or being made to walk instead of being carried 24/7. We are still battling ti out over the walking thing, but I have noticed that not doing anything seems to work best. Of course his tantrums are more over "misbehavior" if you want ot call it that, than frustration with a toy etc, but I notice that every time I try to redirect him, he gets angrier and mroe upset, as if he is expressing himself but Im not listening. Also, by getting worked up and frantically trying to calm him down, he is learning that this is a button he can push to get a pretty entertaining reaction out of mommy.

These days his tantrums are shorter because he gets bored with himself a lot quicker when I stay calm and unruffled. i will say that I give him words like, "You're mad right now because you don't want to walk," for example, but it doesn't mean I have to give in. I'm just validating how he feels. I don't know if that's the "AP" thing to do, but it seems to be working.