Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
487 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DD and her best playfriend, a little boy 2 houses down are the same age (21 months)<br><br>
DH and the boys father are very good friends for the last 10 years, we see them just about every day.<br><br>
The little boy started daycare a couple of months ago, and since then has become VERY aggressive like hitting, pushing, etc. I'm not trying to blame daycare but his mom said he's doing it there, and some kids do it to him and he never was like that before daycare and she directly links it...<br><br>
Anyway, he now does some act of violence to her every time they play together.<br>
Tonight it was first he pulled her hair so hard that her head was all the way back and when we pried them apart he had a fist full of hair.<br>
He did this because she was holding a book he wanted.<br><br>
Then about an hour later she was standing by his play table and he came up behind her and pushed her so hard that she felll face first into the edge of the talbe. Then smiled like he was proud of himself.<br><br>
They used to play so nicely toghther, and for the most part do unless he gets frustrated about sharing a toy or somrthing. DD has never hit or pushed another child.<br><br>
My dilema is that his parents (and our good friends) don't really dicipline him when he does stuff like this. They just casually say "no no...you gave her a boo boo" and take him in another room while DD is sitting there hurt and crying. They don't get really stern with him because if they scare him or hurt his feelings he will start to cry and have a major meltdown that they cannot control and they try to avoid this at all costs, now at our DD's expense. Once I calm DD down they will bring him back in the room and tell him to say "sorry" (which is ridiculouse because he dosen't really talk yet) and make him give her a kiss. I really think this is sending the wrong message...to both of them.<br><br>
DH wants ro teach her to "defend herself" by teaching her to hit or push back and say NO!" when he does this, but I really don't think that's the answer. I don't want her learning that behavior. I know DH knows that's not the answer too, but he's so sick of seeing DD get beat up by him.<br><br>
Anyone have some suggestions to try to stop this scenario from happening again? Or a better way to deal with it when it does happen?<br>
Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,389 Posts
they really are sending awful messages to both thier son and your child. you've discussed this with them, obviously. if they can't do a better job of teaching their child how to play gently with your dd, maybe the best thing to do would be to stop the visits until the kids were older.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,597 Posts
i am confused. when you said they didnt discipline, i expected you to describe them as just sitting there not reacting....but they are telling him its not ok to hit , that it hurts, and removing him from the situation. even if they are avoiding a meltdown, it might be more than that---maybe they are doing the calmest approach to talking to him they can. everyone here at MDC told me to do the exact same thing, remove him from the situation calmly, and talk to him, when my ds does stuff like that.<br><br>
it seems to me by getting him to say sorry they are trying to show they care for your daughter and want him to learn that too...<br><br>
the only other thing i would think they could do is something you could also do, which is at the moment your daughter is hurt, to go to her and comfort her and tell her you know its not ok to hit. they could do that to model behavior. they (and you together) could also get more on top of prevention. my ds is a hitter, and i think you cant know how complicated it is when your child hits , if your child is not a hitter. to me it sounds like your freinds are doing the best they can in the gentle discplne way. i dont understand what else you would want them to do.<br><br>
i used to babysit a little boy who never hit, and it was sooooo stressful and hard for me to balance my son and him out. but it all boiled down to prevention. when it started to look intense i changed activities BEFORE any hitting started. when they arent even 2 yet you really do have to be right in the middle of thier play sometimes, epecially if there is an issue.<br><br>
there are alot of things to be said for not publicly shaming their child--- he is still a baby you know. and so maybe they just want to talk to him about it it private...<br><br>
that said, i also agree dont play with the kid for a while if this issue seems too intense to your dd...when it got too hard with my ds and my friends little boy, i told her i couldnt babysit anymore for a while cuz i ddint want the kids to be too affected by my DS always being the "bad guy" and her DS being the "victim"<br><br>
but just dont blame the parents, i think they sound like they are doing fine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,228 Posts
My dd is aggressive in crowds of same age children, in a moms club playgroup, in gymboree and at library story hour. I have also delt with these issues in my previous home daycare.<br>
I think it's important to remove the hitter, but if possible the first child addressed should be the victim, to make sure the child isn't bleeding or needs ice or just comfort. It's awful, imo, to take the hitter away and pay attention to the hitter first.<br><br>
In your situation maybe the boy's mom could pick up the hitter, and wild holding him so he doesn't continue to hit, make sure your child is ok. This would show the hiter, that compassion is needed for the victim, and he's not getting 'negative attention' Kids of any age can thrive on negative attention. My 10 yr old does, erg!<br><br>
Seperating for a time may also help, or when you do meet, meet with the kids in mind, go for walks with the kids, or do toddler crafts. Make the visits shorter then build back up to your regular visiting hours.<br><br>
In my playgroup, I was going to quit because my dd was so aggressive, screaming, grabbing, demanding. It was tough on her too, the situation. But the other moms encouraged me to work with her and stick it out. I think in my case, they see something that I cannot, that it will work itself out! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
487 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·

stirringleaf said:
<i>i am confused. when you said they didnt discipline, i expected you to describe them as just sitting there not reacting....but they are telling him its not ok to hit , that it hurts, and removing him from the situation. even if they are avoiding a meltdown, it might be more than that---maybe they are doing the calmest approach to talking to him they can. everyone here at MDC told me to do the exact same thing, remove him from the situation calmly, and talk to him, when my ds does stuff like that.<br><br>
it seems to me by getting him to say sorry they are trying to show they care for your daughter and want him to learn that too...
stirringleaf said:
</i><br><br><br><br>
yes this is true, but I guess the part that bothers me is they are doing it so passively like acting like he didn't really do anything wrong, almost talking to him saying no like hes picking up a vase or something, not any urgency in their tone....<br><br>
I like the idea of them reacting to her first....but how do I tell them that's what I'd like them to do?
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top