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Discussion Starter #1
"I am weirded out by you still nursing our ds. Sex has totally been missing something ever since you started nursing him almost 16 months ago. I refuse to touch your breasts because he was just playing with them."<br><br>
That was the coments my dh made to me last night!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
He knows that I will not wean my ds until he is ready. He is not on solids and has several food allergies. I asked if he was trying to push the weaning issue and he said "no I just want you to know how I feel and tell you why I never touch your breasts". I tried talking to him and got nowhere. He finally said this is how I feel and nothing you can say will change it and he went to sleep.<br><br>
Does anyone have ANY idea what I can do? I love my dh and it hurts to be told that I am not fulfilling his needs. But on the other hand I need to fullfill the needs of my ds too!
 

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Gee, maybe the fact that you're PARENTS now, and have less time to be alone, and are more fatigued, has SOMETHING to do with sex between you being "different" than it was before?<br><br>
OK, I just looked at your siggie and I see that you have two children, only one of whom is currently nursing. How were things between you and DH when your other child was little? Was that child nursed as long? Were you and DH together when that child was a baby?<br><br>
Remember that feelings can never be "wrong." If this is the way your DH is feeling, then his feelings are valid. Does this mean that you should wean DS to satisfy DH? Of course not! But it might mean that you need to acknowledge DH's feelings- that your nursing DS right now is a sacrifice for him. Maybe just acknowledging his feelings is all he needs. Or maybe you need to make more of an effort to make sure DH feels valued and special and attractive to you.<br><br>
I think it would do a lot more damage in the long term if he suppressed his feelings about you nursing- it might come up later as marital strife and/or weaning pressure and/or his resenting DS. Now, you know exactly what the issue is, so you can face it and work around it.
 

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I'd tell him to stick it.
 

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I can understand his feelings, because sometimes I feel that way about my own breasts (meaning I feel that it's hard for me to enjoy them for a purpose other than nursing because I'm still in that mind-set). However, I think the way he phrased this, that he was "weirded out" by something <i>you</i> are doing, doesn't help. It seems to place the blame on you, or make nursing sound unnatural, which it isn't. It sounds like he was trying to hurt you because he is hurting in some way.<br><br>
Maybe you guys are stuck in a rut, like so many parents of young children (myself included!!)? Maybe you both need some time alone, even a few hours, to reconnect as adults? Maybe new lingerie and some champagne? It doesn't sound like he wants you to stop nursing. It sounds like he's having a hard time seeing you as his wife, instead of the mother of his baby.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ruthla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7899223"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Gee, maybe the fact that you're PARENTS now, and have less time to be alone, and are more fatigued, has SOMETHING to do with sex between you being "different" than it was before?<br><br>
OK, I just looked at your siggie and I see that you have two children, only one of whom is currently nursing. How were things between you and DH when your other child was little? Was that child nursed as long? Were you and DH together when that child was a baby?<br><br>
Remember that feelings can never be "wrong." If this is the way your DH is feeling, then his feelings are valid. Does this mean that you should wean DS to satisfy DH? Of course not! But it might mean that you need to acknowledge DH's feelings- that your nursing DS right now is a sacrifice for him. Maybe just acknowledging his feelings is all he needs. Or maybe you need to make more of an effort to make sure DH feels valued and special and attractive to you.<br><br>
I think it would do a lot more damage in the long term if he suppressed his feelings about you nursing- it might come up later as marital strife and/or weaning pressure and/or his resenting DS. Now, you know exactly what the issue is, so you can face it and work around it.</div>
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I think this is good advice. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Ruthla- Our ds1 was only nursed for a short time and I had tons of trouble and no support. So when I went back to work and got mastitis I gave up. Dh seemed to have an issue with it then too but I thought seeing as how things had gone so far with ds2 that he no longer saw bfing as a problem.<br><br>
YOu have a great point about dh's feelings. I will try talking to him again and see if it helps.
 

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.
 

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I'm all for respecting feelings but honestly if my dh were to behave this way I would tell him to grow up & quite a bit more. If he can't cope then I expect him to see a therapist and not dump on me or the children.
 

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"here's a pillow- there's the couch. Good night"<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
-Angela
 

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MY first reaction is that he needs to grow up.<br><br>
Reading Ruthla though, appreciating that he feels that he is making a sacrifice, and telling him that, can go a long way to helping to heal such feelings. It can be amazing what a little recognition and appreciation can do.<br><br>
Maybe acknowledging to himself that he has these feelings is part of his growning up. At least he's talking about his feelings. I asked DH how he felt about something (unrelated to this topic) and he said "I don't understand the question." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"><br>
Some guys just don't think about certain things, and thus don't have feelings about them to discuss I guess.
 

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Yeah my dh says they are just milk jugs now but he is respectful of the way he said it in a way making sure not to hurt my feeling but it still bothers me a little but your dh has to understand that your ds comes first right now and as soon as he weans whenever that might be he can have them back but untill then he is going to have deal with it. Besides it isn't like it is forever. Maybe your dh was just having a bad day?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thank you all so very much for the help! WHen dh got home I said that we need to talk once the little ones are asleep so hopefully we will get to a better comfort zone. Hopefully we can avoiding dumping on each other and avoid a night on the couch<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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This might be a ridiculous idea but worth sharing. My DS is night nursing still at 2 1/2 years and doesn't show signs of giving it up. I had tons of trouble nursing my right breast from day 1. Bleeding never seemed to stop. He sucked blood blisters onto it all the time (all the lactation specialists said it wasn't a latch issue as much as an anatomical anomoly probably caused by my prior breast reduction I had years earlier). Left breast always ok - no pain, bleeding. So finally I gave up a year ago and let the right one dry up. He only nurses the left. Funny thing is DS claims the left breast is his "nurse" and DH claims the right one is his! So, during the rare occasions my DH and I get alone time....the right one is the one he plays with. Sorry so graphic. Anyway, you get the idea. Maybe a compromise of sorts would work? I don't know if that would make your DH feel any less weirded-out but maybe it would help.<br>
Good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mhr1406</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7901065"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thank you all so very much for the help! WHen dh got home I said that we need to talk once the little ones are asleep so hopefully we will get to a better comfort zone. Hopefully we can avoiding dumping on each other and avoid a night on the couch<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"></div>
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Well, how did it go? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thank you all so much for the support and advice! We had our talk last night and it went really well. He said that he was sorry for coming across like a child complaining and that he will deal with it for the good of our ds. It made a big difference once I told him that his feelings are ok but we still need to find a way as a couple to stay close. Nursing my ds means a lot to me and he knows that one day (not any time soon though) that he will not have to share his boobs anymore.<br><br>
Racecarma- I like your idea! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> If he is still having trouble with nursing I may offer one for him and one for ds.
 

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Just know you're not alone. My DH is so ready for DS to stop nursing and to get his bed (and wife) back. I keep reminding him that these precious years will be gone all too soon and DS won't want to cuddle with mommy and daddy anymore. Then DH will miss those days and wish he hadn't wished them away so quickly.<br>
Good luck and stay positive!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Thank you so much! Things have gotten some better. But it has been hard for me to realize that my biggest supporter is not totally with me anymore.<br><br>
It is nice to know that others have been thru this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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"I love you and it hurts be told that I am not fulfilling your wants. I feel torn between meeting our child's needs and yours and I don't appreciate being put into that position. One thing you should realize is that the longer I nurse, the less likely I am to develop breast cancer -- more likely to continue to have breasts throughout my life!"<br><br>
I'm having difficulty putting this into words, but I have to say that pregnancy and birth changed our sex life permanently, in better and worse ways. It's unrealistic and immature for sex to stay just the same over the course of a marriage when one is planning to mate for life! It's easy to blame it on breastfeeding, but I'm pretty sure that parenting makes more of a hit plus aging makes things different too.<br><br>
I know that if I have more children, I will not allow them to "twiddle" or play with the other breast because I allowed my first to do so and it because terrible annoying once I was expecting again. I never allowed my second to start and it wasn't an issue. If the "playing" was what was bothering my husband, I might start redirecting my toddler from doing so.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Thanks sparklefairy. My ds has not twiddled much but I did just order a nursing necklace that should put a stop to what little bit of playing he might do.
 

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I just don't understand this connection some men make between breasts and sex. If my dh had told me what yours had, I'd have told him well good thing he's not having intercourse with my breasts then. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
Breasts to me have very little to do with lovemaking. Maybe my dh will kiss or caress them a bit, but if he didn't I don't think I'd miss it. I much prefer him to spend time on other things anyways. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br>
I guess you could have told him what I told my bil: Get over it, Tits are for kids! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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