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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a "purely theoretical question."

WWYD if your best friend, who is a wonderful, gracious mama, had a creepy DC the same age as one of your DC?

By "creepy" I mean:

The child has given you a very bad vibe from the time you met him at age 1.

The child has acted out sexually with two of your children (and your friend dismisses it as "part of growing up").

The child is obsessed with blood and death.

The child spins out of control very quickly, does not stop shouting, bounces off walls and your children.

The child has been diagnosed with a behoavioral disorder and sees a neuropsychiatrist regularly.

Would you flat out tell your friend that you do not want your children playing with her child?

Would you allow the children to hang out once they're older?

Or would you think this kid probably needs all the warmth and love he can get, and welcome him into your home?
 

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I think a lot of it would depend on a bunch of things, like:

-the age of my own child(ren)
-the interest/ability that my friend has in helping her child control himself and keep from harming others
-the environment (childproof? full of "no-nos"?)
-the ability of my child(ren) to handle a tougher kid

My dd is in a class at school with a special needs kid who is very physical -- likes to hug/touch roughly everyone who comes in the room, for example, even after a gentle "no thank you" or a firm but gentle removal of his arms from your body. My dd (31 months) is able to understand that this kid is different, has a harder time learning about personal space and following directions, and if she feels uncomfortable, she knows to go get a teacher right away.

I don't know if that helps -- I wouldn't keep my kid(s) away just because the other kid is hard to be with, but if the parent wasn't helping direct her child or my kid(s) were extra sensitive, I might wait until everyone was a little older. I'd certainly never let them play alone.

Hope that helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks fiddledebi,

the thing is, this "theoretical" child needs constant supervision, & a lot of the time my friend wants to leave him with me it's for babysitting. If he were a "normal" kid I'd be glad to have him over, but I feel like I'm inviting dracula over. I get such a bad feeling from this child!

I don't know if I'm a bad person, or if I'm having a legitimate reaction. I know I'm not the only one to react to him this way. I can't go into to many details but at least five other adults have reacted the same way, that I can count in recent memory, who have refused to interact with him. I feel like a very bad friend
I was so thrilled when she was pregnant, and then when I met her DC, my heart fell through the floor.
 

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I had a friend with a child like that, almost exactly as you described. She wasn't my bestfriend, or it would be more of a difficult situation. This friend ended up moving so its a moot point now.

Its hard to say what the right thing to do would be. Ultimately, you need to protect your child whether feelings get hurt or not. Friendships are precious as well so I think a lot of tact would be in order in handeling this situation.

With my friend with the wild child I declined sleepovers and tried to see my friend on the weekends her son was with his father. She often wanted to do things with the boys being together. I just made sure it was when they could be supervised well and the activities were as short as possible. Inevitably, this child would attack my child. He was a year older, but my child can defend himself very well and I was nearby to help them problem solve without violence.
 

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I wouldn't babysit. I don't have the energy to keep watch 24/7 over a child like that, but that's just me. I'd be honest with her and tell her you would rather not babysit. I would be OK with the kids being together with the parent(s) around as long as they kept watch, and I'd never leave the child alone with my kids. JMO. I would be afraid when the children are older though. It's a tough situation.
s
 

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This is always a tough situation. You want to protect your friendship with this mom, yet you also want to protect your children and yourself. You are aware that this child has special needs and your family's friendship could be helpful to him and his mom.

The most important thing you can do right now is set boundaries. You need boundaries with your friend on when and how your children will play together. Then set boundaries with the child on what type of behavior is appropriate in your home and with your children. Stick to them. If they aren't respected then it may be time to move on.

Try to learn more about this child's needs and how you can work with him. What does he respond to? What catches his interests? What helps him relax or focus? What can you model for your children in how to interact with him? Role play with them.

However, if you are at a point where you don't want to be around this boy, then don't. Children can sense things pretty well and sooner or later the boy will realize that he is not wanted there. You are by no means a bad person because you don't want to socialize with a certain person, we are all like that at some time or another.

HTH!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by meowee
This is a "purely theoretical question."

WWYD if your best friend, who is a wonderful, gracious mama, had a creepy DC the same age as one of your DC?

By "creepy" I mean:

The child has given you a very bad vibe from the time you met him at age 1.

The child has acted out sexually with two of your children (and your friend dismisses it as "part of growing up").

The child is obsessed with blood and death.

The child spins out of control very quickly, does not stop shouting, bounces off walls and your children.

The child has been diagnosed with a behoavioral disorder and sees a neuropsychiatrist regularly.

Would you flat out tell your friend that you do not want your children playing with her child?

Would you allow the children to hang out once they're older?

Or would you think this kid probably needs all the warmth and love he can get, and welcome him into your home?
My child has early onset bipolar disorder and is 4 years old. He is that creepy kid, or was when he wasnt on meds. I am so glad I had friends who just loved him and me and didn't prevent their children from playing with mine. Even at school last year, when we were adjusting meds and he was hitting people's children and acting out, people still embraced him. The kindness of those people will touch my son for forever.
It sounds like this child needs to be taking an antipsychotic. Once he is on one for awhile and stabled out, he shoudln't have the problems with impulse control, obsession with blood and gore, aggressiveness, or acting out sexually. If he isnt on meds, I suggest supervising your children in his presense at all times.
As a mother of a child who has behavioral problems, who happened to see the light, invite a psychiatrist and behavioral speicalist into our lives, not to mention medications -- please be this moms friend, please be kind to her child, please show them love -- we get lonely, we feel exhausted, we feel ostracized. And if you ever want to PM me, please do!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Kim, did your DS act out sexually? This is what concerns me the most, b/c the child seems almost predatory when it comes to acting out sexually (waiting until the adults are out of the room for a moment/ cornering the other child/ pressing the other child to comply even after they say "no" repeatedly/ lying about it when confronted by adults). Everyone, including his psychiatrist, is 99% convinced he hs *not* been sexually abused. It really freaks me out that he is coming up with this stuff "on his own." I'm concerned that this will only increase and by the time he is pubescent/ adolescent, he will be worse.

What meds is your DS on, if I may ask? Thanks for replying. You sound like a wonderful & strong mama who is totally there for her son!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by meowee
Kim, did your DS act out sexually? This is what concerns me the most, b/c the child seems almost predatory when it comes to acting out sexually (waiting until the adults are out of the room for a moment/ cornering the other child/ pressing the other child to comply even after they say "no" repeatedly/ lying about it when confronted by adults). Everyone, including his psychiatrist, is 99% convinced he hs *not* been sexually abused. It really freaks me out that he is coming up with this stuff "on his own." I'm concerned that this will only increase and by the time he is pubescent/ adolescent, he will be worse.

What meds is your DS on, if I may ask? Thanks for replying. You sound like a wonderful & strong mama who is totally there for her son!
My son has acted out sexually, mostly masturbating but once he was on meds this went away. Part of the side effects of an antipsychotic and even bipolar meds, curb this part. While it may seem this child is predatory, its mostly likely because young children do not know boundaries sexually. My child has tried to grab people's private parts, mostly adults or his siblings. Remember he is four. I have to reinforce over and over again that this is wrong, and sometimes, now that he is older he is punished. I know people here are against punishment, but often with children who mave behavioral problems consequences (and often times natural or logical ones will not matter) must take place consistently. The older my son has become, the more mature he gets, the less touchy feely he gets. He really isn't trying to be sexual in the sense adults are and I think once you see it as more of an impulse thing, its easier to deal with. (meaning the child isnt bad, he just has impulse issues and it feels good) The more of a controlled enviroment my son is in, the better behaved he is. Also, teaching young children spacial boundaries can be done with a hula hoop. I havent tried it with my child because he "gets it" in other ways, but I know it works for others.
I doubt this child has been sexually abused, but the sad thing is, hypersexuality is a part of mental illness and it can lead to this child being abused. He probably lies about it because of the reaction he sees. My son is very perceptive, so sometimes he will lie to avoid us being disappointed or scolding him. You are right, if this mother doesnt take action with her child, if this psychiatrist doesnt help her, then well her son could start acting out sexually and could unintentionally molest another child. I read about this all the time -- these children are not predators, they aren't child molesters per se -- its just they are hypersexual and lack impulse control, they just do what feels good.

My son is currently on Depakote and trileptal to control mania and rapid cycling. He also takes clonidine to curb adhd symptoms that stem from the depakote and at night to help him sleep. When he is not Manic, he is a perfectly normal child. When he is manic, he can rage, have hallucinations, psychotic thoughts, etc and hypersexuality -- however I will say that this has dissipated with age and maturity (impulse control)
In the past he has been on risperdal and zyprexa, both antipsyhcotics. He had a good trial with risperdal. The reason he was taken off of it, we were tweaking it and it caused him to go into mania. However, risperdal was the first drug we used. (he was 3 at the time) We saw immediate results. No more hallucinations, no more blood and gore, no more hypersexuality, no more intentional violence or aggression. It is not approved for use in children, but is used in children in the psychiatric enviroment. ( a lot of mentally retarded or downs male take this)

There are several books that your hypothetical friend may want to read.

The Bipolar Child (she will read the first chapter and it will sound like your first creepy kid post) The Explosive Child, and The Defiant Child. Also NAMI has parenting classes and information about kids with behavioral problems.

I also want to say, if you have hung in this far, that one of my dearest friends in the whole world has taken my son off my hands many times. I can't tell you how exhausting it is to parent a child with behavioral problems, much less mental health issues. I need respite but trust is a big issue to me, I have to know my son will not be abused for one, and that he will be in an enviroment where he will be watched. My friend has taken my son more times than you know, she has even taken him overnight and she has three children of her own. A lot of times she takes him to the park or places where all the kids are involved in activities. She hugs him a lot and has a lot of patience with him, often when I don't. If you don't feel comfortable babysitting than don't, but if you can do it and it be safe and he is supervised you may be doing a hell of a lot of good for mom and child. I definitely think this child needs some serious help. Children who are experiencing what you have mentioned are tormented and they need medical intervention. I thought I could cure it with love, diet, and prayer -- but unfortunately that didn't work. Its better to get these kids help now, so they will not self medicate or do something horrible that lands them in the system.
 

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I would try to be a good friend to my friend but I would not leave my ds alone with her child and I would hope she wouldn't be offended by that - I'd allow playdates when both of us are present and kids are all in the same room, but I wouldn't even be comfortable with ds playing off in another room with a child like you described.

Follow your instincts and do try to be a good friend, but your child comes first.
 
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