[Phoenix~Mama]

At least that is how I feel.

Since DD was born DH has been picking DSD up on Fridays. I used to pick her up after work, this is an hour and a half round trip for me to do so.

When DD was born and I wasn't working it made no sense for me to pack DD up and drive the hour and a half round trip to go get DSD so DH would pick her up after work.

Just recently, however, DH's shift changed again on Fridays to 12pm-8:30pm, meaning if he picked DSD up after work it would be late at night.

I have been telling DH that I am not comfortable being with both girls by myself for long periods of time. He thinks I'm an inadequate parent for saying this.

Maybe I am... I don't know. All I know is being with both girls alone is highly stressful for me. DSD has not listened to me since a little before DD was born and everything ends in huge meltdowns from her. Plus she gets in arguments with me about what to do with the baby and it is very frustrating.

Basically I'm still adjusting to being a first time Mom to an infant plus a kid... it isn't easy for me, and maybe that does make me the worst parent on Earth, but I was trying to be honest with what I feel.

Anyway, DH wants me to start picking DSD up from school again this Friday. I told him I'm still not comfortable with that for a ton of reasons. He flipped out calling me an awful parent and that I'm just making excuses instead of telling him the truth of how much his DD inconveinces me.

I told him that isn't it, I'm not trying to make excuses but these are my reasons for being worried/concerned about picking her up this Friday.

1 - This will actually be my first full week back to work since DD was born. This in itself is very stressful for me and has me on edge about how exhausted I will be come Friday.

2 - Because of it being an hour and a half round trip to get DSD, I will have to add in another pumping session on Friday, which DH thinks isn't a big deal, but maybe I should pump his nipples 6 times in one day and see how he feels about it... *sighs*

3 - At the risk of sounding like I am "playing favortism" this is another hour and a half I am away from my DD. Perhaps it would not be such a big deal if DD was older and not nursing... but I HATE that I have to work fulltime and be away from her and I have not been dealing well with it at all, and the anxiety from it gave me quite a bad case of PPD and separation anxiety, which is how I have been out of work so long to begin with. The doc wasn't crazy about sending me back to work now, but my insurance ran out and we can't afford for me to receive no pay.

4 - DSD has not listened well to me at all in the past several months and this makes me really stressed out. DH said I need to stop making her out to be the devil child, and I said I am not trying to but she really does not listen to me well. He said she is 4 and doesn't listen to anyone so I need to knock it off.

5 - The most time I have spent alone with DD and DSD is about 1 hour and I was so completely frazzled and counting seconds til DH was home to help out... when I pick her up this Friday I will be alone with both girls for 5 hours.

6 - Typically when I come home from work, DD and I lay down for at least a two hour nap. This is how I get through the rest of the night because DD likes to stay up til 11pm - midnight. I have to get up at 5am for work... I have fibromyalgia and am doing my best to try to function on way way less rest than my body needs. When I pick up DSD I won't be able to lay down for a nap... after a really long week... I'm very worried about this.

After a half hour of DH making me feel like the worst person on Earth if I did not pick DSD up on Friday, I conceded to doing so... but I'm scared and feel like crawling into a hole and crying. Maybe I have no right being a parent because I can't seem to deal well with two children. I was fine with DSD by myself. I'm fine with DD by myself... but two of them at once by myself... it is really hard for me.

 

[moondiapers]

Can you pick the baby up first, nurse her in the car, then go get DSD ??? Even if it's more dricing time it might be worth it. As far as being alone with them goes.....eventually you'll have your own 4yo that you have to make listen to you. This is your chance to practice. I'd gently insist. If she doesn't co-operate with you, nothing fun happens. She might even be ready for a nap with you when you get home.

 

[ece602]

Thats soo rough and I am so sorry. I have never wrote to you before but I have been following some of your stoies since before your DD was born! So

mama. I am sorry that you feel this way. I too am in your situation at times although there are 3 DSC and none of my children. I know this is probably what you do not want to hear, but is there any way you can talk to your DH and tell him more about how you feel? It has to be so rough to be a new mama and have to take care of somebody else who doesn't necessarly have as strong of a bond as you and your DD. Can you talk to DSD and maybe explain how rough it is on you and maybe if she can chill out for a while by herself. Maybe put on a movie and you 3 can drift off and maybe nap?

Goodluck hun, PM me if you need to talk

 

[tinyblackdot]

Could you hire a young teen to come over and be a mothers helper on fridays?

 

[confustication]

Honestly, I understand the fear on your part, but I can only share the other side.

DD is DH's stepdaughter. Though we all live together and her biodad (yes, biodad, we're in the middle of terminating rights after 4+ years no contact/no support) has no contact, I still get VERY mamabear with DH when he shows ANY signs of favoritism for his son...

If I were your partner, I would be pretty upset that you were unwilling to stretch for his other child- who matters just as much to him as your child together, and who he doesn't have as much chance to see.

Also, you state that her behavior changed while you were pregnant, I think it's really important to look at that. Is she acting out because she feels she will come in 'second'?

Is your daycare near yoour office? Can you pick up your child and nurse, then take her with you to get her sister? That would be a really nice inclusive way to handle the whole thing...

 

[~PurityLake~]

With your first week back at work, you do not need the extra stress. You are not a bad mom just because you can't do it ALL. You have clearly told your husband you are not comfortable spending such huge amounts of time with both kids, especially with one being a needy newborn and the added stress of having returned to work.

I did pick up my step son for a couple years. We have one vehicle and one, then two little girls of our own. I had to pack them up in the morning to drive my husband to work, then back home, then in the middle of the day, pack them up to drive 1.5 hours round trip to pick up step son, come home, then 3 hours later drive all of us out to pick up my husband from work and hope we didn't have to wait too long in the car for him to get done with work (they closed at certain times, but his work didn't end until all the the work was done).

My husband changed work locations. With the new place being closed sundays, I just told him I was done transporting his son. I told him how I felt worn out, exhausted, overwhelmed. So, he told his boss he needs off by a certain time to pick up his son on fridays and he will not work sundays. I am so glad he's made the changes he needs to in his work schedule to make time for his responsiblities. I wish I'd been more adamant earlier on the issue. There is so very much less stress for me and the girls without the early morning wakings and frequent car trips throughout friday and sunday.

Your husband's reaction to your very simple request seems to me he is angry because he is expecting you to make a sacrifice that he is not willing to for his own child. The sacrifice being either change work hours on that one day or to pick his daughter up later and return her later on sunday ? to keep total time spent with her the same. The visitations with her, after all, are for him to spend time with her.

 

[2xy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ Your husband's reaction to your very simple request seems to me he is angry because he is expecting you to make a sacrifice that he is not willing to for his own child. The sacrifice being either change work hours on that one day or to pick his daughter up later and return her later on sunday ? to keep total time spent with her the same. The visitations with her, after all, are for him to spend time with her.

Thank you. I was having trouble saying the same thing without sounding like a b*tch.

 

[choli]

Mine are both my bio kids, but I can remember just how very difficult it was to adjust to two kids instead of one. It really is much more difficult than just 1+1, isn't it?

However, since you can't just hand them back (though it was tempting to think about it at times)

you learn to cope. It does get easier as you go on. I think with your DH you need to focus on your all-around needs rather than making DSD seem like the scapegoat, as he will resent any perceived favoritism.

 

[vbactivist]

It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. But I think for the sake of your marriage and your dsd, you need to just suck it up. It IS hard to have two kids at once. But lots of people do it. It sounds like you are tired from working (and the fibro) also. But would you ever consider giving up your job? Probably not. So why would it ever be okay to give up your time with your dsd?

I think the suggestion of a mothers helper is a good one. Can your dsd's mom meet you half way? Do you have someone else that can pick her up for you - a grandma or something. I saw in one of your other posts that your parents had her for an overnight recently, so perhaps they could pick her up since it seems like she's happy with them. Or could your mom pick your baby up from daycare and keep her until you get back with dsd - then you two could have some bonding time in the car?

This is a difficult situation, for everyone. But the two people who had no say in the matter (the two girls) whould not be the ones to suffer.

Good luck. Plan to order pizza on Friday and have a favorite movie to watch with dsd. also, then on Saturday you should be able to sleep in if DH is home.

 

[vbactivist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ With your first week back at work, you do not need the extra stress. You are not a bad mom just because you can't do it ALL. You have clearly told your husband you are not comfortable spending such huge amounts of time with both kids, especially with one being a needy newborn and the added stress of having returned to work. I did pick up my step son for a couple years. We have one vehicle and one, then two little girls of our own. I had to pack them up in the morning to drive my husband to work, then back home, then in the middle of the day, pack them up to drive 1.5 hours round trip to pick up step son, come home, then 3 hours later drive all of us out to pick up my husband from work and hope we didn't have to wait too long in the car for him to get done with work (they closed at certain times, but his work didn't end until all the the work was done). My husband changed work locations. With the new place being closed sundays, I just told him I was done transporting his son. I told him how I felt worn out, exhausted, overwhelmed. So, he told his boss he needs off by a certain time to pick up his son on fridays and he will not work sundays. I am so glad he's made the changes he needs to in his work schedule to make time for his responsiblities. I wish I'd been more adamant earlier on the issue. There is so very much less stress for me and the girls without the early morning wakings and frequent car trips throughout friday and sunday. Your husband's reaction to your very simple request seems to me he is angry because he is expecting you to make a sacrifice that he is not willing to for his own child. The sacrifice being either change work hours on that one day or to pick his daughter up later and return her later on sunday ? to keep total time spent with her the same. The visitations with her, after all, are for him to spend time with her.

It's jsma's daughter too. She married him knowing they were a package. They have to blend this family under difficult circumstance. Maybe he can't change his work schedcule...jsma is off work by that time. He's not asking her to do anything that jeapordizes her job, just go the distance.

 

[greenemami]

First of all, good for you for telling your dh how you are feeling. The fact that he disregarded those feelings does not make it any less important that YOU are trying to communicate openly and honestly.

Why did his schedule change? Can he change it back? I am wondering if this is going to be a longterm situation (for every other Friday) or if it is just this once?

I think the point is not so much that you don't want to do it (which absolutely does NOT Make you a bad parent!! and shame on your dh for making you feel that way), but hte fact that you now have committed to doing it and how to handle it. I second the idea of picking up the baby first if possible. I think your dsd is at daycare as well, right? I assume the 4-year-old is more able to stay for an extra few minutes than a 3 month old is to stay for an extra 1.5 hours. Can you get your mom to come help you again? I think you had done that before. Otherwise, just go as easy on yourself as you can. I suspect that your dh would freak out again if you took a nap while dsd hung out, right? If this is the case, I second the movie idea-or maybe taking the girls out somewhere would be easier? I have a a better time with both of them when we are doing something instead of just sittin gin the house, kwim? Maybe to a pizza place or something for dinner, or the playground etc.

I sympathize to a degree with your dh in that I understand why he is upset with the situation-HOWEVER, he is WAY out of line to tell you that you are a bad person/parent, etc. for recognzinsing your limits. He shoudl be thanking you and congratualating you for being able to talk about it!

In the end, it is only natural that you are worried more about your dd here. Not only is she your first dd, but she is also three months old.

I hope your dh comes and apologizes to you and that you are able to get through it

I know things are tough right now, but I hope that the counseling etc. helps soon. Coming off of birth, PPD, and going back to work, you are going through so much right now and you desreve a partner who listens to you and responds without guilting or yelling, even if he disagrees or has his feelings hurt. Good luck.

 

[MayBaby2007]

I'm not a step parent.

But this is how I see it. DSD is his daughter. The weekend visitation is for HIM to spend with his daughter. If you and your husband were separated, picking up DSD would no longer be your problem because you're not the parent--you're the step parent.

You are a new mother with a 3 month old, just going back to work. 1 1/2 hour round trip might not be that much to some--but when you already miss your baby from working, that trip can seem like forever. IMO, it's just not fair to put the burden on you, when DSD isn't even your kid. The father needs to make better arrangements (with work, the child's mother, etc) so HE can be responsible in picking up his daughter.

If I were in your shoes, I would be pretty ticked at DH. I would flat out refuse to pick up DSD.

 

[~PurityLake~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist It's jsma's daughter too. She married him knowing they were a package. They have to blend this family under difficult circumstance. Maybe he can't change his work schedcule...jsma is off work by that time. He's not asking her to do anything that jeapordizes her job, just go the distance.

Yes, of course, they are all a family. It just sounds to me like the husband doesn't want to do anything, that he is expecting this new mother, with fibromyalgia, with lack of sleep, with having to get up at 5 am, with having a newborn, with just having recently gone back to work, to do it ALL. What is he doing besides working? Oh, and besides putting her down and making her feel guilty or making her feel bad for not doing everything?

I just can't get past the fact that the father is berating his wife [ a working mom with a newborn, suffering from fibromyalgia ]for expressing her personal limits [ what she is and is not capable of adding to her full schedule, knowing her limits] for not wanting to do this one thing that he is completely unwilling to do himself. How is this not his responsibility? How can he be so unfair to her and insensitive to his wife's needs?

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. But I think for the sake of your marriage and your dsd, you need to just suck it up. It IS hard to have two kids at once. But lots of people do it. It sounds like you are tired from working (and the fibro) also. But would you ever consider giving up your job? Probably not. So why would it ever be okay to give up your time with your dsd? I think the suggestion of a mothers helper is a good one. Can your dsd's mom meet you half way? Do you have someone else that can pick her up for you - a grandma or something. I saw in one of your other posts that your parents had her for an overnight recently, so perhaps they could pick her up since it seems like she's happy with them. Or could your mom pick your baby up from daycare and keep her until you get back with dsd - then you two could have some bonding time in the car? This is a difficult situation, for everyone. But the two people who had no say in the matter (the two girls) whould not be the ones to suffer. Good luck. Plan to order pizza on Friday and have a favorite movie to watch with dsd. also, then on Saturday you should be able to sleep in if DH is home.

I could not disagree more strongly. She is a first time mama, back to work, recovering from PPD. This is NOT her child. Dad CAN get her, he just wants his wife to be inconvenienced rather than himself. He is being selfish. If I was the OP, I would simply refuse to do it. You have to know your own boundaries. OP says she can't handle it, so that means she can't handle it. Clearly her doctor would not support adding stress on her at this time. Kid is four and poorly behaved. Dad doesn't take her lack of respect for OP seriously. So have him go get kid Saturday morning. If he isn't there to see her Friday waking hours then what is the point of exhausting OP? I bet Dad isn't doing late night baby waking/feedings either. I am a wife and mother, but I am not a doormat to be taken for granted.

I am continually amazed at men who expect their wives to work full time and THEN be round the clock on call mothers, housekeepers, chauffers and wh*r*s for them. Ummm...NO!

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ Yes, of course, they are all a family. It just sounds to me like the husband doesn't want to do anything, that he is expecting this new mother, with fibromyalgia, with lack of sleep, with having to get up at 5 am, with having a newborn, with just having recently gone back to work, to do it ALL. What is he doing besides working? Oh, and besides putting her down and making her feel guilty or making her feel bad for not doing everything? I just can't get past the fact that the father is berating his wife [ a working mom with a newborn, suffering from fibromyalgia ]for expressing her personal limits [ what she is and is not capable of adding to her full schedule, knowing her limits] for not wanting to do this one thing that he is completely unwilling to do himself. How is this not his responsibility? How can he be so unfair to her and insensitive to his wife's needs?

:

 

[AutumnMoonfire]

I too wonder if DSD's mom can't meet you half way, especially if this is expressed as "Not forever, just for now, what with the new baby and all." Also either way, to bring the baby with you and go do something "fun" on the way home. A stop at a playground as the weather is warming up, dinner from an acceptable restaurant eaten at the playground and a comfy lawnchair in the trunk for you to sit in might change a lot of the equation for you and it's not as if you have to race home and get dinner on the table.

The other solution would be an adjustment in when he picks her up, like Saturday morning, again, just for now...

You do have a LOT on your plate and adding this to your first full week back to work is rather tough, especially since you'll be alone for a good chunk of the evenings. Maybe he could give you a break the first two or three weeks...

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thanks guys, I really needed someone to listen.

To answer some questions....

Baby isn't in daycare on Fridays. My Mom watches her. But the catch to this is... my Mom works nights and gets through Friday by just napping when baby naps. So there is no way I could ask Mom to help out still at night cause she is going to be just as wrecked as me.

As far as picking up DD first to nurse then go get DSD... I don't think this will work.

By the time I get to DD, feed her, then go to DSD's school, I may not make it there by time they close.

The other factor is DD... she often does not stop nursing once I get home and latch her on, not for awhile anyway. She isn't a fan of being away from me either. lol And she HATES the car. She screams the whole ride, no matter what we have tried. So I'd rather not put her under that kind of stress if I can avoid it. Especially as it's a long drive.

DH seemed fine with picking DSD up the last two times, I don't know why he set the ultimatum/guilt trip this week. I may even be perfectly fine with it in two weeks... but right now I was just trying to see if I'd make it through the whole week.

As for would I quit my job? In a heartbeat if I fpund some magical way to come up with my half of the bills! lol DH can't change shifts. The economy crap is hitting this area pretty good and his work is switching some shifts around to avoid lay-offs... if he tried to get it changed it could be viewed as him not be being a team player or whatever and could jeopardize his job.

DH has asked ex before if she could possibly bring DSD here on Fridays, but ex said no because it's out of her way.

 

[~PurityLake~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa DH seemed fine with picking DSD up the last two times, I don't know why he set the ultimatum/guilt trip this week. I may even be perfectly fine with it in two weeks... but right now I was just trying to see if I'd make it through the whole week.

I'd venture to guess because right now he's feeling lazy and selfish.

Hugs to you, Jsma.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

To answer other points that were posted while I posted. lol

I did ask DH if it would be feasible for him to pick DSD up early Sat. morning as well, since he wouldn't actually see her Friday nights. He said that was a stupid idea and he won't waste all of Sat. morning to go get DSD. He'd rather her be here Fri. night.

He also talked to ex about this and she agreed with him that DSD would be better off being picked up Fri. nights instead of Sat. morning. *sighs*

He just keeps telling me that all my reasons are BS and they are simply excuses to get out of picking DSD up.

I tried pointing out that I get less sleep than him and he said that is how it is with a baby and I have no right to complain. I wasn't trying to complain, just point out that I'm trying to run on E.

 

[aricha]

I'm glad I am not in the same room with your husband right now, 'cuz he's making me really mad!

The first time I was alone with my step-daughter and my newborn, it took me 2 hours to make pasta... from a box, with sauce from a jar... for dinner. And I was in tears. And I was on maternity leave from being a child care provider, juggling the needs of 8 infants. You are NOT a bad mother OR step-mother because 5 hours alone with two kids is stressing you out. I am an excellent mother, I am wonderful with infants and toddlers, I don't have any chronic illness, and I don't need a lot of sleep... and I was in tears over and over again trying to make pasta while my husband was in class for three hours.

You are human, you are communicating your needs, you are NOT selfish, and your legitimate reasons are not BS excuses. You are a new mama... and from what I can tell, a good one at that!