[EnviroBecca]

EnviroKid is two-and-a-half. On our way to a bus stop, we needed to cross a street, and since there were no cars coming I decided to cross even though the Don't Walk sign was lit. I didn't explain this decision, and halfway across EnviroKid noticed the sign and began protesting.

Bad Mama! I admitted my mistake and cooperated with his demand that we do it again and get it right: When the Walk sign came on, we crossed back to where we had been, then back again toward the bus stop.

Okay? No. I guess it's because he was upset about my mistake that he asked to be picked up and flipped out when I wouldn't. We were only 20 feet from the bus stop, and I already was carrying two heavy bags, so I told him I could not pick him up and he needed to walk. He stopped right there and began howling as I walked to the stop and sat down.

Now, first of all, WWYD about this tantrum? It went on for maybe 10 minutes as I sat on the bench, saying, "Please come sit with me." and holding out my arms. He was within my sight the whole time, wasn't hurting himself, and was keeping back from the street and out of the way of pedestrians. (It's a wide sidewalk.) Some of the people in the area were looking at me as if I ought to Do Something. The only other option that came to mind was to leave my bags on the bench, go get EnviroKid, and carry him over to the bench. While that would work around my objection to carrying him and the bags at the same time, it might work against my goal of raising someone who walks on his own and doesn't use screaming as a means of getting what he wants. So I didn't do it.

Meanwhile, an older lady came along, noticed him, looked around to identify who was his parent, and then crouched down about 5 feet from him and held out her arms as if to hug him or pick him up. He backed away. She moved closer but wasn't touching him. He covered his head with his arms, backed into the hedge, and bellowed, "GO AWAY!!!" I was about to get up and lead him away from her when she got up and came over to me. Without speaking to or even making eye contact with me, she leaned over and put her hands on my shoulders, kind of half-hugging, and gave EnviroKid a big smile and said, "See? I am nice person!"

: I had no idea what to do!! She had a heavy Russian accent, and I've seen that old ladies recently arrived from Russia (there are a lot of them around here) seem to expect young children to love and trust them immediately--for example, when EnviroKid and I get on a bus and there are no seats available, often Russian ladies offer to have him sit on their laps! I figured she meant well, but she was freaking us out!

I said, "Oh, it's all right. He's just upset that I wouldn't carry him from there to here." I couldn't tell if she understood me or not. She let go of me but stayed too close, asking "How old?" and "Boy or girl?" Then she went on her way, smiling and waving at both of us.

By then the bus was coming, so I picked up the bags, flagged down the bus, picked up the squalling toddler in an undignified fashion, apologized to the bus driver for the noise, sat down with EnviroKid on my lap, and said, "I hear that you are upset. That is too loud a noise to make inside a bus." He quieted slightly, then noticed some passing scenery and started chatting about that. All was well.

This was on Friday, and since then he's told the story of crossing the street several times, going over how Mama did it wrong, he saw the sign, Mama agreed that we were doing it wrong, and we did it again the right way. He seems to need to work through something about that. But he has not mentioned the woman. Even when I told EnviroDaddy the whole story and we discussed it at some length in front of EnviroKid, he did not seem particularly interested. So I guess it didn't traumatize him!

EnviroDaddy says he would not have been anything resembling polite to this woman. The moment she approached our child without approaching a parent first, he'd have been over there yelling, "Get away from my child or I'll call the police!!!"

I don't know...I think it was inappropriate for her to approach him, to move closer when he backed away, to touch me without talking to me first, to try to mislead my child into thinking I knew her...but is it really necessary to react with terrified hostility? The one thing I feel sure I did wrong is that I didn't pull away or otherwise make it clear that I didn't like her grabbing my shoulders. My kid stood up for his personal boundaries better than I did! But I wasn't really upset (just startled) so was a big reaction necessary?

: What would you do?

 

[Finch]

It sounds like in this case it was a matter of cultural differences, to be honest. Yes, her behavior seriously weirded me out just reading it, BUT...in some cultures behavior like that towards strangers' children is seen as helpful, not intrusive and weird.

I dunno. I'd be willing to bet that in this case, it's simply how she was brought up/what she is used to, not her trying to cross boundaries. I think your reaction was fine, you didn't make a huge scene, which I don't think was necessary. What did EnviroKid do when the lady touched him?

 

[WonderWild]

I probably would not have made a big deal about her. I don't like people touching me either and I may have pulled away from her. But, if your instinct is telling you that all it boils down to is that she's "one of those harmless old ladies from Russia" that you've seen in your area before and you're not scared by her, I think you did fine.

 

[purposefulmother]

Threatening to call police when a well-meaning stranger tries to calm an obviously upset child seems to be a big over-reaction. She wasn't trying to correct your parenting or harm your child. At the most, I might have said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we've taught him not to go to strangers."

If I were in that situation I probably would have struck up a conversation with her; asked her is she had children/grandchildren, where she was from, etc. Experienced mamas and grandmas are a terrific ally and ime kids generally like them when they are introduced in a calm setting. I don't know, I think it was kind of sweet that she was trying to help. So many people don't want to get involved when they see an upset child, and here was a lady trying to make the situation happier.

My family is Hispanic and much more likely to touch a stranger's child than some, umm, other families. Part of our family culture is to touch (and sometimes) indulge children, offering them little gums or stickers, patting them on the head and back. It's not meant to alarm or intrude, just a sign of affection. We call it being friendly.

 

[lilyka]

Its funny how people go on and on about how "it takes a village" but as soon as someone tries to be that village we all freak out and run for cover. I am just as guilty.

Her behavior sounds pretty normal. America is a very hands off, mind your own business sort of place. the rest of the world, especially for the grannies it seems, there is much more team player mentality. I mean who doesn't love a grannie?

i think she was just trying to help in her way. I wouldn't worry abut and your son didn't seem that offended or traumatized (he was probably more mad that his tantrum was being interrupted than he was upset about a nice but unfamiliar old lady approaching him.)

As for the tantrum I think you handled fine. outside of sitting on him what more could you do.

The other day my 7 year old (oh yeah - 7!) laid down in the middle of the Target parking lot. so i went to grab her but the cart started rolling away - with my 4 year old in it. So I left lily in the middle of the street screaming laying flat on her back to run after Ava who was about to start picking up some real speed. No one offered any sort of help but if some stranger had swooped her up and deposited her in our car I don't care how much it ticked her off I would have been thankful for the help. If she doesn't want strangers stepping in she should refrain from such hissy fits. (granted your child is much younger than mine). that said i would certainly ask permission before touching other peoples children even in a situation to me that seemed safety related (well this one little kid was running away from his pregnant mom once and I scooped him up and deposited him in her arms. but we weren't total strangers either.) actually I probably wouldn't even ask. People tend to get so offended when you offer help. better just to mind your own business.

 

[wildmonkeys]

I think it sounds like you handled the tantrum fine. Public tantrums stink and it is awesome that you remained calm with an audience.

As for the woman - I agree it sounds cultural - we are crazy hands off in America. She was probably trying to help.

Hats off to you - sounds like you handled a tough day well!

 

[Tigerchild]

That's consistant with her culture, both the ease of approaching 'strange' children and the personal space issue, at least what I have observed here.

I wouldn't tell you to ignore an instinct to call the police or whatever, but would caution you to not expect much from them with something like this, unless you wanted to try to file assault charges. I wouldn't expect that to go far, realistically. To be honest, I think people would most likely react negatively/protectively towards an elderly woman being approched by an angry, shouting young man, so your partner might also want to consider that risk. I don't really feel that his reaction would help the situation, it may indeed cause escalation or injury (especially to the elderly stranger). While I do feel that we have broad license to protect our children, I don't think that gives us carte blanche to do whatever we like when there is no immediate threat of danger. Especially at a bus stop, which I assume is next to a busy roadway. Shouting and acting in a threatening manner at someone who doesn't speak much of the language next to a busy street seems like a recipe for disaster, not to mention that the kid might be stressed/shocked/frightened by his dad's reaction. However, I also realize that lots of people say they would do X Y and Z, but when they're IN the situation and have all the cues available in the environment, they react differently.

I think you handled it efficiently and calmly and correctly. I think your DP's stated reaction would have been frightening and potentially dangerous for everyone involved. But again, I take that kind of statement well salted, unless he's the type to go off the deep end at the slightest provocation.

 

[nextcommercial]

It's a little uncomfortable to have a complete stranger touch you, I agree. But, to be rude to a well meaning older woman is way overracting.

WHen my daughter was three, her daddy took her to the mall. Wonderdad thought it would be fun to play hide and seek in Mervyns.

Wonderdad was a very good hider, because my three year old child could not find him. So, since they were headed to the pretzle place next she decided to go there to see if Daddy was already there. Wonderdad was still hiding in a rack of clothes when my child left Mervyns and headed out into the crowded mall alone.

Thank God for a well meaning older woman who was watching, and followed my daughter out of the store too. (leaving all of her shopping on a rack) She followed my dd for a while until she could see in my dd's face that she had realized she was lost.

I had always taught her to go to someone who works at the store and ask for help. It never occured to me to teach her to ask a Mom or a Grandma. But, this well meaning older woman, carried my dd high on her shoulders so Wonder Dad would eventually see her, and come rescue her.

I am very thankful to that woman.

I also think that while a parent has the right to make choices for their children, it isn't always the right choice. We as seasoned older moms have every right to "watch" and be a second set of eyes. She may have been concerned that your son was going to dart off into traffic.

So, to be rude to a well meaning woman who just wants your child to be safe, would have possibly caused her to look the other way the next time. Someone could be injured or lost because there were no concerned people who cared about a child's safety.

In the long run, you handled it perfectly. That's probably what most of us would do. I bet even if your husband was in the same situation, he would have done the same thing you did.

 

[katheek77]

Sounds cultural.

When DD was ten days old, I was holding her in the grocery store, and this older Chinese lady came over and began cooing at her, and touching her, and giving her little kisses on her feet (which, honestly, I'm fine with people touching and talking to my baby, so, I didn't care).

And then about fifteen seconds later her (American) husband came over, and began apologizing profusely, and telling her she couldn't do that here, and he started talking about when they took their kids to China, basically strangers would just pick their children up and carry them around to show to THEIR friends, and so on and so forth.

 

[mommato5]

I think it was very nice and sweet of her to try and help. I, too, think that if your DP had reacted, nothing good would of come of it. If I have elderly people talk to me or try and give me a hand, i am always thankful. I've had elderly men offer to hold a child so i can get groceries on the counter, help me carry stuff out, even one bought my kids each a sucker! She really wanted to help and you did handle it wonderfully!!

I think this world would be a better place if more people were willing to accept help and more were willing to help!!

 

[november21]

You know this is an ugly world - so many cold hearted, uncaring people. It's not often we come across good people. Loving people.

How sad that a person who has a kind heart, a beautiful caring heart "freaks someone out". It's not people like that who freak me out - it's people who are afraid of human kindness- human touch.

Babies/children are the hope of the future, personally when people coo at, touch or smile or hug my chilren I am touched.

Yes indeed if more people were NOT afraid of loving or being loved the world would be a better place.

 

[ThreeBeans]

Screaming "Go away or I'll call the police" would have been huge overkill. Your gut told you she was harmless....listen to the gut

 

[fishface]

Quote:

Threatening to call police when a well-meaning stranger tries to calm an obviously upset child seems to be a big over-reaction. She wasn't trying to correct your parenting or harm your child. At the most, I might have said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we've taught him not to go to strangers."

Agreed.

I'm sorry it freaked you out so much. It shouldn't have. I understand the frustration of having full hands AND a squawking kid, but that gives you no reason to fear a woman trying to give your kid a friendly hello to distract him. (I know she did touch you, but like you said, it was a half hug deal. Just being friendly.

 

[miss_sonja]

I think it's nice that she came up to you. She wasn't judging or accusing you of bad parenting, but rather tried to help in a gentle way. This is something we've all talked about doing here, such as when someone seems to be having a hard time with their kid(s) and perhaps seems ready to hit. Many suggestions involve going up to the parent and empathizing. Sounds like that's what this lady was doing.

I'd accept it as part of the Village, as a kind gesture. And let it go.

 

[jeca]

It really doesn't seem like any kind of big deal to me. I don't see what the issue is. I understand that he was freaked put and rightly so but this woman did absolutely nothing wrong, she didn't touch him and turned to you to show him that she wasn't trying to hurt him. I feel like i am missing something. I think you handled the situation very well as did the sweet lady who took a moment to try to help a frazzled child.

I agree with the previous poster who made the village comment.

 

[L&IsMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss_sonja I think it's nice that she came up to you. She wasn't judging or accusing you of bad parenting, but rather tried to help in a gentle way. This is something we've all talked about doing here, such as when someone seems to be having a hard time with their kid(s) and perhaps seems ready to hit. Many suggestions involve going up to the parent and empathizing. Sounds like that's what this lady was doing. I'd accept it as part of the Village, as a kind gesture. And let it go.

That ^. I think it was kinda sweet of her. I agree it is cultural as well. I certainly would not flip on an elderly lady and tell her to "get away from my child or I'm calling the police" for trying to be nice to my child.

:

 

[lovingmommyhood]

Seems to me she was just trying to be nice. What a nice change from the usual sideways glances a mother has to endure during a public tantrum. Sounds like she was really sweet and trying to be friendly.

I feel sorry for any nice old lady that encounters your DP though... sheesh!

 

[lovingmommyhood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nextcommercial But, this well meaning older woman, carried my dd high on her shoulders so Wonder Dad would eventually see her, and come rescue her.

That's so nice! How refreshing. I love when people go out of their way to help each other.

 

[Kailey's mom]

Sounds harmless, It makes my grandmother's day when she is around children, she loves babys/kids and seriously every time I bring her to the grocery she manages to find a mother to talk to, and a little one to guak over

and now a great-grandaughter to brag about

I love my grandma to death but sometimes worry that she's going to rub the wrong babies head and piss off a parent one day, but I hope not.

 

[Kailey's mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommato5 I think it was very nice and sweet of her to try and help. I, too, think that if your DP had reacted, nothing good would of come of it. If I have elderly people talk to me or try and give me a hand, i am always thankful. I've had elderly men offer to hold a child so i can get groceries on the counter, help me carry stuff out, even one bought my kids each a sucker! She really wanted to help and you did handle it wonderfully!! I think this world would be a better place if more people were willing to accept help and more were willing to help!!

I think it's so sweet when the elderly want to help out. When Kailey was a few months old we were in the store and an elderly lady was sitting on the bench next to me, while I was tryin to dig out my car keys. Kailey was crying, and she wanted to know if I needed her to hold Kailey. Even though I had just found my keys, I said yes to her because I knew she wanted to hold her. the smile on that woman's face was priceless

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