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Hello!

XH lives in a different state and shares custody with our 3 girls 3/6/8 select weekends (every 2-3 weeks) and school breaks. We drive half of the 300 miles and we switch.

He has been online "dating" a 20yo girl with a 2yo baby for around a year on and off. They met on Instagram. She has met him live 3x, and met my kids twice without him telling me. I found out (on my own) that she is moving in with him in December, with her baby. He still lives in his mother's illegal basement apartment.

I don't know what my comfort level with this is in regards to my kids. They will one day go to his house for a visit and find a new toddler and new woman?

What do I say to him? How would you pursue this?
 

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Hi WindyCityMom,

I'm sure this news is distressing, but try to keep things positive.

I would ask if you could all meet, just for introduction sake. Maybe ask for a photo to share with the girls before they visit. The more info and more positive relationship you can gain with the new girlfriend, the better for your family's sake (even if it irks you). This will set a precedence in future relationships for both you and your ex.

As far as controlling who it is he can/cannot date, unless you have something in writing in a custody/divorce decree, I'm not sure there is much say you'd have in the matter of him dating or living with someone.

I assume the girls have adequate sleeping arrangements at grandma's when they visit? Even without the new girlfriend, it would be inappropriate for them to share sleeping quarters w their dad.

Thankfully, your girls are old enough to let you know if anything ends up wrong. I would stay positive with them and keep the lines of communication open. Although you are stressed, try not to transfer that to your girls. If they become fearful, they may hide info to protect either you or their dad.

Hope this helps!
 

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Hi WindyCityMom,

As far as controlling who it is he can/cannot date, unless you have something in writing in a custody/divorce decree, I'm not sure there is much say you'd have in the matter of him dating or living with someone.
I agree with this. But I don't think you should try to have a meeting or act in any way toward the situation. What your ex does is outside of your control. The only things you can control are items listed in your parenting plan, and rules inside your house. Try to ignore the situation, and avoid any direct interaction with the new girlfriend. If you try to affect their home, you open the door to criticism. You don't want her, as a mom, trying to tell you how to run your house.
 
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