[attachedmomto3]

stbx is moving with his gf to california and the kids and I are in MI. They are in FL now but she's in the navy and got orders to CA so he's going with her.

I just feel that this is the end of any relationship i had hoped he'd have with the kids. Because it's so far away and it will cost a lot of time and money to visit. He thinks he can visit at least once a month which he doesn't even do from FL and FL is a lot closer.

his gf's mom is upset by this as well. she doesn't think he should go. the gf is 18 and he's 30. so i would guess her mom still has some influence on her.

what i'm wondering is if there is anything i should say or do to fight for my kids because they don't have a voice in this? i just want to feel like i did everything possible for them to have their dad somewhat close. i will swallow all pride and do whatever i can so just maybe he'll see how the kids should be #1 to him.

Am I just losing my mind thinking anything i say or do will change anything? I need a reality check!

thanks mamas!

 

[Rosehip]

For starters, is there a relationship between X & the kids to save?

This general topic is one I've thought a lot about and about which I am very conflicted. I'm torn between

1. set the man straight & tell him to be a father to his children and

2. the reality is that you (the general, x-wife/custodial parent you, myself included) are unlikely to hold much sway and to stimulate him to change in fundamental ways if you were unable to do so while married.

Honestly, if he's following a teenager across the country, I'm not terribly optimistic about him being a terrific hands-on dad anytime soon. A sad situation for you and the kids. I'm sorry.

 

[lilyka]

this is not your job. you have to let it go and help your children facilitate their end of this relationship the best you can (help them send letters, send copies of report cards, keep him informed medical issues, send christmas cards, make sure they can call/email/chat etc with him) and let the chips fall where they may. you can't force him to be a dad. not in your marriage, not in MI, not in FL, not in CA, not in kalimazoo.

and for whats its worth my ex managed to mantian a relationship with his hootchie canadian girlfriend for five years even though we were not rolling in dough. he had a milage card etc. he probably saw her every 6 weeks or so is what I hyink I figured out. Guys are clever (especially guys who don't have the unexpected expense of custodial children). if he wants to see them he will.

and whatever you do don't feel sorry for him or think that you need to sacrifice child support so he can afford to come see his kids.

 

[attachedmomto3]

i did think their was a relationship to save, but even since moving to FL there isn't one hands-on...he calls regularly for about 15min to talk to all three, so i guess he can do that in CA....i was just hoping he would move closer to be more hands-on and EOW dad that would be much better than "whenever he can"

i'm sure you're right toastytoes....i just need someone to hit me over the head with the hard truth.

thanks! it's a hard thing to accept that someone esp their dad doesn't want to be in their lives, they are AWESOME kids!!

lilyka~thanks, you're right! he will find away if he really wants to see them.

 

[MG01]

The reality is that he has to be the one wanting to partake in that relationship- no one can make him do so, not you, not even the kids, even if they were older, not his family.. and think about it, would you want him to change his plans and be around because he was forced or convinced? Of course you want your kids to know their father and have a good relationship, but if his heart isn't in it, I truly feel it is better for them not to be around.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation and that he is not willing or able to be a more involved father.

My son's father has seen him once about a week after his birth (because his parents and his lawyer made him) and then he moved away and hasn't contacted us since. It is hard at times knowing that my son is missing out on a relationship with his father, but on the other hand, his father would not be a good influence right now, and has no desire for a relationship, so I am actually grateful in many ways that he is not around and respect his choice. I also feel that a man who does not want to be a father does their children a big favor by creating that distance (geographically and/or emotionally) rather than coming and going, creating inconsistency and unmet expectations. Just my thoughts.. I know it is still hard right now, but just know that you can only control you and be the best parent you can be to your family, regardless of what he chooses to do.

 

[RockStarMom]

It's been a painful lesson for me as well, but trying to convince him to be involved(or do something so he can stay more involved) is fruitless. It's not your responsibility, and it won't even get you the results you're wishing for.
It sounds like you already know this, just looking for affirmation. Give yourself permission to stop spending your time and energy worrying about it, and know that you truly have done all you can, and the ball is in his court.