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<p>Cross-posted in Childhood Years, hoping for some replies.</p>
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<p>So, here's the story:  My DD, 5, came home from Kindergarten on Tuesday and Wednesday and said kids were making fun of her.  I sat down with her, got her to talk with me more.  After I did that, I emailed her teacher this note:</p>
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<p><em>Hi Teacher,</em></p>
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<p><em>DD came home yesterday and said kids were teasing her, but I couldn't get her to say anymore about it.  Again today, she said kids were making fun of her, so I got her to sit down with me and talk more.<br><br>
She said that yesterday, during seat work time, three kids - X, X, and X - were calling her ugly.  Then today, X was making fun of her during snack time.  I couldn't get her to explain more.<br><br>
I was wondering if you observed or know about either of these incidents and what we could do to resolve the situation.</em></p>
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<p>I was still upset when I wrote this, and hadn't really thought the whole situation through yet.  I received a response saying the teacher wasn't aware of this and would keep an eye out, thanks for letting her know, tell DD that she can come to her if it happens again and they can work on it together with the kids involved.</p>
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<p>After I calmed down, I thought through things and read this article on Love and logic called "<a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/teaseproof.html" target="_blank">Teaseproof Your Kids</a>."  I liked the idea, and the next day (DD was off school) I did a role-playing game with her dolls based off the article.  In the game, one doll "Polly" teased doll "James" and said, "James, your shirt is ugly.  You look stupid."  Then I said to my DD, "Polly is trying to hurt James' feelings, isn't she?  But James knows his shirt isn't ugly and that he isn't stupid, so he doesn't care what she says."  Then I had James act cool and say to Polly, "Whatever."  Then I said to DD, "James is letting Polly know that he doesn't care what she says."  We did the game several times, also role-played ourselves, talked more about the idea of acting like you don't care (the article calls it your "cool look"), even if you have to pretend a little, is a good response for teasing, and that just because someone says something, it doesn't make it true, etc.  DD liked the game and seemed happy with this.  I had gotten the impression from the teacher's first email that she wasn't going to do anything at this point, which I was good with, because after thinking it over I felt it is better for DD to learn to handle this on her own, with my help.</p>
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<p>So this morning I get an email from the teacher saying she had a talk with DD and told her to respond, "That's not nice.  Please stop." and to come get her if she is teased again.  Then she had a talk with the whole class and another with the kids involved.  I appreciate that the teacher wants to be proactive, but I feel like this response will just set my DD up to be teased more, not less.</p>
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<p>What do you think?  I'm leaning towards talking about both responses with DD this weekend and asking her which one she feels would work better and helping her think it through, but I'd love some input from other parents on this.</p>
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<p>I don't like encouraging a child to say please when they are being hurt or teased but it is a common approach teachers encourage.  For teasing I taught my dd some ignoring techniques, to say stop if she needs to, and to go get a teacher or duty teacher and tell them she has said stop and the person is not stopping.  For anything close to violence I taught her to yell stop.  You don't have to ask someone nicely not to hurt you or treat you badly and that is what I tell dd.  I also tell her that if her teacher has a problem with it she can refer her back to me.</p>
 

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<p>Actually, it is stupid.  Kids don't care if another kid says "That's not nice".  Even at five, they already know it's not nice and that is why they are teasing.  They don't need to hear "That's not nice" and the child who says it in a sad, sensitive voice is setting themselves up for more teasing.  "That's not nice" only works with the kids who care about your daughter and honestly didn't know it was hurting her feelings.</p>
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<p>So, say, her friends take her hat at recess and they are running with it, trying to get your daughter to chase them for her hat.  They think it's fun, and think nothing more.  But, if your daughter gets mad and stomps away, one of them will chase her down and get her to come back, and give her hat back.  Because they like her and didn't know she was upset.  </p>
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<p>The kids who want to be make her mad or sad don't care if she stomps away.  Before she gets to the teacher, they are going to throw the hat on the ground and go play somewhere else, and never give it another thought.  The next day, they will do it again, because it was fun the day before.  </p>
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<p>I have watched my daughter and all of her friends grow up together.  What works for bullying is a united front.  (three or more girls who will stick together against the bullying) and a "OMG are you always an idiot?" attitude.  Crying and looking sad, and using weak sappy words only feeds the monster.  </p>
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<p>Do you know if the teacher talked to the kids about teasing in general or about teasing your dd in particular?</p>
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<p>And do you know if she spaced talking to your dd and talking to the rest of the kids?</p>
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<p>I agree with not saying "please" about stopping bad things. But I'm also wondering if pretending that teasing doesn't bother you could result in the kids doing worse teasing to provoke a reaction. A boring reaction is probably better than no reaction?</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>One_Girl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278908/x-posted-the-response-that-s-not-nice-please-stop-is-stupid#post_16040324"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I don't like encouraging a child to say please when they are being hurt or teased but it is a common approach teachers encourage.  </p>
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<br><br><p>I agree.  Saying please is the same as asking permission to be treated better.  </p>
 

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<p>i really enjoyed what they did with ps's at my dd's ps.</p>
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<p>hurt child to the child who hurt. 'that was not kind. please stop. when you slapped my back it really hurt my back and made me feel very sad.' and then the hurt child had to listen to the response if there was one otherwise the child who caused the hurt had to do a kind gesture. which could be a rubbing of the back. and the other child can decide if they accept that gesture. its finished over right then. and usually they both go off to happily play together. it is amazing even without many words how children can convey all this to each other. </p>
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<p>it is a method my 8 year old still uses. and it goes a long way to be friends with the teasers. she is pretty defensive and doesnt quit talking so sharing her hurt feelings do not lead to more teasing. however she also ignores such comments too. </p>
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<p>That's not nice. Please stop. - says nothing. </p>
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<p>however your role playing game is KEY. and teaching them what they think of themself matters not what others think. i know this has helped my dd many times where she doesnt even notice such comments. </p>
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<p>she's been called fat a few times. she has either shrugged it off or said 'well good. i know if i fall sick and lose weight i wont be weak.' most kids are taken off guard by her logic. </p>
 

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<p>I think you're right, OP. I would tell my child to use the L&L method and keep tabs on the situation through your DD and her teacher.</p>
 
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