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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not even really sure he realizes it. He's had since June to review the changes, it's the very first clause, and on draft I gave him, I had notes written about it.

He told me today that he'd reviewed it and it all looks good. So he's voluntarily signing an amendment with no scheduled visitation and giving me both sole legal and physical custody.

Just like that. I was totally willing to take the sole custody off with no argument if he even mentioned it. But not a word.

Still need to get it signed, but, yeah. It's one of those hollow victory things.
 

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I am sorry, and I am happy for you. It will make your life easier.
 

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It sucks that this man won't PARENT UP and fight for his kid. But it's no real surprise considering his older sons don't even have a relationship with him.

On the flip side, he knows that YOUR integrity and interest in doing what's best for DS means that he will always be able to ask to see DS, that you're unlikely to cut off anything. He may be pretending he's doing this so that YOU will be "happy". Well, it's what his mom is asking for, and I can't say no because she might yell at me and bruise my ego enough to make me put in the superdad effort again, and since DS is starting to get older he's probably gonna start hating me anyway.

It's so sad, though. Big hugs. It is hard being the only PARENT in your child's life. But what an amazing son you're raising, and he is going to do his best to live his dreams and not screw up the way his dad and dad's dad did.
 

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Same as everyone else is saying -- I'm both happy and sad for you. It will definitely simplify things. And it is such a letdown when we can't pretend they're anything but what they are -- inadequate as parents. :-( Hugs!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
He didn't even pretend to be conceding to my request. I've been saying all along to let me know if he wanted any changes. I expected he'd object to sole custody. But I left it in as something to concede on if necessary.

Well, anyway, now I won't need him get a passport or travel with DS. Plus, it documents the fact that parenting time has been under 9% for the past few years. I added in a flat rate for extra curricular that I can have child support collect. I told him that I wouldn't exercise that unless child support got recalculated and goes way down. It's $50/mo instead of the $1000 cap a year on paying half. Right now, he's not paying, but it's out there. And with it out there, he probably won't ever get the recalculation.

It's good to have this. It documents the reality.
 

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Sounds like a positive overall. It makes your life easier and doesn't probably mean much in terms of anything major or even minor changing on a daily basis. My xh has not only no legal or physical custody but also no parental rights. But we don't behave as if that were the case. And he has never fought to get his rights back and never fought me to not have it that way. I think if we had 50/50 legal custody nothing much would be different. One nice thing is I was able to renew my kid's passports recently without his consent and without even letting him know! Scary if you are the parent without custody. Five years ago when we renewed I asked for his signature and it caused us a MAJOR fight.
I think it's weird that both my xh and yours seem to have let the whole thing just blow by them with no discussion - almost making us wonder if they even know/knew what was happening. My xh seems to not really know or care. (He does know because in Italian when he saw the translated the documents with "loss of parental rights." and he freaked out temporarily but never tried to change it. In Italian the translation is so extreme that generally it's only used if one parent is in jail. I even told him I wouldn't fight it if he wished to change it and he never bothered. I think in some cases where the parents are reasonable (like you and your x) a piece of paper won't change much. If I'd told him because of that paper he has no right to see the kids, he'd have justly fought it. Since I don't care about that piece of paper it's like it doesn't exist. But I like it there for some leverage. I hope for you it doesn't make him see your ds less.

edited to add we cross-posted about the passports lol
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah, it won't really affect the daily pattern. He was more upset when I gave DS my last name, and that's purely symbolic.

He does have our holiday schedule still, and guarantee of 2 weeks in the summer...which he has only ever used when I made him take DS while I went to Scotland last summer.

But yeah, no schedule, acknowledges that DS' plans come first, and if child support is recalculated, he'll be at the highest rate and built in extracurricular monthly contribution.

And now, if life ever works out...I could transfer to the U.K. for work when DS is in high school like I've daydreamed about. I probably won't, but it's nice to have the option.
 

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That's really sad, but it is what has been happening unofficially for years. Having it clearly spelled out will probably make your life much easier. What a shame he cannot step up and be a parent.
 

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It's nice you aren't stuck there and can make decisions more easily but it sucks for your ds. Does he know? If so, how is he taking it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
It's nice you aren't stuck there and can make decisions more easily but it sucks for your ds. Does he know? If so, how is he taking it?
I already have the ability to move if I want to. It's in our custody agreement that I can, and XH already left the state. But, my career is here, and pretty company specific.

I'm not telling DS anything about this. He doesn't need to know. His life doesn't change at all.
 

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Poor guy. I know he doesn't put much though into his dad anymore after being disappointed so much but it's still sad :(
 

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I feel like we are part of some elite club that every one wants into but once you get here its almost sad and heartbreaking. I'm not sure if I should say 'welcome' and offer you wine, or offer you wine and comfy pillows and a place to possibly whine.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks, Zebra. That's it. People say they want it. But what we really wanted was an engaged, healthy co-parent. Having the legal declaration to prove otherwise is bittersweet. But, once I get it signed and filed, this way I have the legal framework to do whatever I need for DS for the next 9 years without needing to worry about whether XH is in an involved phase or not.
 

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I kinda agree with AG - the minute my Xh left the state again, knowing the custody battle was behind us, my stomach came loose from the knots and I started feeling giddy and joyful again. Even better since the support has been coming, and hope that continues.

But yeah, I was pretty happy having every other weekend to myself, and seeing DD get to do lots of fun activities. Though now I understand she was falling apart more on the inside, and with him leaving, we're going to be better off than ever once we deal with some of the garbage he left behind.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
BB: Your situation is kind of unique because you had so many years where he just breezed through town a couple of times a year. And with the amount of crazy bullying your XH put you through the last year, being relieved is absolutely valid!!

I don't regret the fact that he leaves me to parent as I see fit. It's more that confirmation of his priorities. He's still doing a bit better about calling DS the last couple of months, but it's DS initiating the call as often as not now. It will fade again eventually. But for now, DS is planning to go out for Thanksgiving - at DS' request. He likes his step-mom's family's Thanksgiving. And I don't really do a big Thanksgiving anymore now that my dad passed and my mom moved to Florida. So that's a good way for DS to get a few positive days out with XH.

The way things are now, may be the best it gets. I do appreciate that XH is trying to talk to DS more frequently, and he's keeping in mind that he needs to deliver a positive message as a parent after I called him out on something he said a while back. He's trying. It's not great, but it's something. And DS is able to appreciate what there is, even while wishing there was more.
 
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