Go to a shelter, ASAP. Take your babies, and go. They will help you. Grab whatever paperwork you can (SS cards, birth certs, bank statements, etc) and the belongings that mean most to you. Print out this post as well, so you don't forget things that he has said/done when talking to a counselor there. Here's a link with resources for you, but don't look at it at home (go to the library or a neighbor's) unless you are positive you can completely erase all traces of your history: http://www.womenslaw.org/
You don't want to let the cat out of the bag by him finding out your plans if he's checking up on you. Make no mistake, your husband is abusive. It doesn't have to be physical, and shelter workers know that all too well. They will help you and your babies.
I won't lie and say the road ahead will be easy. But you will likely find it *easier* than what you are currently enduring.
twins, I know how hard it is to let go of the idea of bf when you're in the thick of it - I'd had reduction surgery, hardly any flow, was pumping like crazy for only a few ounces a day for 9 months. But the reality is that formula is not a crime & can be quite good if the baby tolerates it well. Dd mostly drank formula, and at not-quite-three she's healthy, strong, active, whip-smart, and lately she's going around trying to spell everything. Easy kid (thank God).
I think your concerns are reasonable, but see if you can step back & weigh bf (great, but not an absolute necessity) against safety & sanity.
as long as my babies aren't being abused here wouldn't this be a better place than a shelter
They are. Witnessing abuse of their mother is the same thing, as I've been told by more than one counselor.
I hear ya on the bfing issues. I'm a huge bfing advocate, and it's definitely a tough call. But I think that emotional wellbeing has to carry just as much weight in the decision as physical wellbeing. KWIM?
There was none of the people like you described at the shelter we went to. It was more of a community home, with shared meals and chores. There was about 10 other women there (about half had kids) and most of them considered it a privilege to be able to stay there while getting legal help and back on their feet, so they didn't risk much in the way of "against the rules" behavior like drug use. We each had to sign agreements that we would not reveal the location of the shelter, and the shelter did not give out any information as to who was residing there. HTH!
The thought of going to a shelter is more scary than the reality. The people there will help you and your babies and you will be soooo relieved. It will be ok. My x was on the internet all the time looking at porn. So many things came back and bit me on the computer. Watch your emails, and even these posts. He can track everything you have done on the computer. Make sure you set up an email account that you can access anywhere, like yahoo. Try to keep all your relevant searches to the library computers. You'll be ok, it's getting the courage that is hard.