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I apologize if this is not the right place for this.<br><br>
I lost my son, Trust Josiah Matthew in a second trimester miscarriage 2 1/2 years ago. After the loss I became obsessed with conceiving again. I call it my lost year. I remember screaming and crying when I would get my period, huge bouts of despair and even when I did finally get pregnant again I was terrified of loosing her. I also was obsessed with people acknowledging him as a person, who existed even though he never took a breath. We had a funeral 6 months later, after I was already pregnant with my daughter as I could not handle it before that. There was a lot more awful times in that year that all revolved around my loss of him. He was my first child.<br><br>
I've been thinking a lot about that time again as we are TTC. But I feel bad. I have never taken my daughter to his grave, I never got him the teddy bear with "I'm a Big Brother" that I wanted to get him (this I feel horrible about). I don't think about him every day like I was. We don't talk about him that much, almost not at all and no one seems to remember him.<br><br>
I was just wondering what it is like for you, years after your loss?
 

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I still feel the effects of my miscarriage almost every day. I think about it frequently still. But I don't have any living children yet so I''ve always figured that had something to do with it. It took us 14 months to concieve the little one I lost and it's been 20 months since that happened and I haven't seen a bfp since. I constantly wonder if I am ever meant to carry life again. It's been so long that I am fairly numb to AF each month and have almost given up all hope at this point.<br><br>
There are also plenty of things I regret not doing, things I don't have a chance to take back. I would encourage you to buy that teddy bear and let your daughter take it to his grave, if you think you can handle it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I don't mind crying over it every so often, let's me know I won't forget.
 

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We lost our baby girl, who was stillborn 4 years ago and having Evie brought back a lot of feelings. I cried for the first week having her home because she looks so much like her older sister. Her birthday was just on the 11th and I dreaded going out to her gravesite. It is does not give me the "comfort" as I have heard it explained by some other moms. But we did go, put out fresh roses. Felt a little better. it is NOT too late to get him the teddy bear.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Don't beat yourself up.
 

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I had a miscarriage almost 10 years ago now and I still think about her every day. I was only 9 weeks pregnant but in my heart I knew it was a girl and it was a huge loss for us. I know have two living children and I still have not told them. I am about to get a new tattoo that has my children's names on it and I was thinking about putting her name in there as well. This will be the time I share the story with them I suppose. They are 8 and 5. I don't want to upset them but I think it is important for them to know. My oldest son was born one year to the exact day that I miscarried. I don't think the pain every goes away. It feels good to be able to talk about it because most people don't understand my grief especially because the miscarriage was so early in the pregnancy.
 

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6 years later I still think of him every day. It's okay to feel however you feel and do whatever brings you comfort. Don't feel guilty about a teddy bear, he knows you loved him with or without a bear.
 

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It'll be 7 years here in August that we lost our first daughter at 40w, unexplained.<br><br>
Some days are definitely better than others, even after all this time. For me, it's bittersweet watching my other two children grow up and do all the things their sister never will...all the little milestones of life--walking and talking, starting school, birthdays. Holidays don't get easier...I'm always conscious that there is one child missing from the table. And I still have trouble feeling like I fit in at moms' groups and the like with others who have not been through this experience and who can't fully comprehend the depth of the loss and how profound an impact it's had on our lives and still does.
 

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4 years later, I didn't think about it too much. Now, it's a lot more often because I had a another miscarriage. Anything it pretty normal.<br><br>
As far as your feelings about the teddy bear and shirt, here's my thoughts on that...you could go further than those things, should you have a birthday cake every year? Should you go to the graduation he would have been at and have a grad party in his memory? Just silly random things I'm thinking of, but we have to remember that our babies are not here, we don't have to kick ourselves for doing all the things we WOULD have done had they lived on this earth. That's not to say that you shouldn't do anything in his memory, everyone has a different way of honoring their lost babies, but since you had the funeral, and you probably have some other reminders, I wouldn't start buying things that you would have bought had he been here. I don't think that's good for you, because you might take it further and start to buy more and do more trying to keep his memory alive. He's your child and will always be, no "thing" will make his existence more real.<br><br>
So that's how I felt when I read your post, if it doesn't help ignore it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Hugs mama.
 
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