[WhimsyMama]

Hi mamas,<br><br>
I haven't officially posted on here before (kinda shy, I always mean to respond but then I never know what to say)but I've been reading alot of your posts lately and I feel so much better knowing what a great community of strong and savvy single mamas are out there! That being said, I'm not feeling real strong anymore...I feel like I'm sinking into a serious depression.<br><br>
I'm a single mama to a wonderful 1 yr old boy. Broke up w/ the ex when I was only a couple months pregnant, so I've been on my own pretty much from the get-go. I don't regret for a second my decision to do this on my own, but I guess lately I am feeling kinda hopeless about it. I guess I'm just sick of not having a partner. Don't get me wrong...I am very proud and grateful of the chance I have to be a mama on my own, to have my little guy all to myself, and to not be stuck in a really unhealthy relationship. It's hard as hell sometimes, but it's completely worth it. I've just been so lonely lately! I have some great friends and family around, and I try and see them as much as I can. But I work 32 hours outside the home, and when I'm not working, I'm trying to catch up on life...you know how it goes...hugs, snuggles, laundry, dishes, etc etc. Plus I'm super broke, living paycheck to paycheck (if that) so every spare cent goes to something we really need. It's rare that I have much time to myself or any time to really socialize, which is probably why I don't even really think about the fact that I'm single. Plus, of course, the first year was so intense (and amazing and incredibly hard..) it all seems like a blur. I'm starting to get my bearings back again, take inventory, check-in with myself... and I guess I just realize that I really miss being with someone and wish I had a partner in this madness.<br><br>
I've found myself sitting there w/ my boy, at a coffee shop or out for a walk ...completely surrounded by happy couples. I start to feel kinda invisible after a while. I have some great mama friends too, but they are all partnered. And I've just started to feel really isolated and alone. I was carrying in groceries yesterday in the rain, wishing I had an extra set of hands to help manage screaming baby, grocery bags ripping and spilling all over the street, etc etc. I started crying...for like the first time in forever, and haven't felt like stopping. I want to be close to someone again, I want someone to be there for me...I want someone to ask me how my day was, just to share life with in general. Or to help do the flippin' dishes! I started to think about how the heck I would even meet someone. I mean, how do you meet someone when you are a single mom with a baby?<br><br>
I've heard from other folks that they have met people online. So I was checking out some online sites, and reading some ads, and that made me even more depressed. Most of the ones I read just left me feeling annoyed and/or disgusted. I am 29, but I feel like I'm 50. I have no interest in the "bar scene". I don't really care what shows are playing. I just want to meet someone kind and respectful, who is completely okay with the fact that my little guy is my #1 priority. Ugh. I don't know where those folks are, but I don't think I'm going to find them on some cheesy online dating site.<br><br>
Anyway, thanks for listening. I totally sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I hate sounding like that. I guess I just needed to share.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> WhimsyMama

 

[MissSavannahsMommy]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I know exactly what you're talking about. I live in a fairly 2 parent household community so sets of parents are just the norm. I feel like i'm the "pity mom" when i'm out and about. No one really knows my ex or has seen my daughter with my ex. They just know it's me and her. I wish it were different. I have NO single mama friends out here. I have a ton of married/single friends, but none with kiddos of their own. There are times i feel so jealous of my married friends. I just want that so much, but at the same time, when they come to vent or need advice i'm sooo happy i'm not married <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">:<br><br>
I guess I've just gotten used to it. I see my daughter as the person who completes me, a future spouse will just add to the delerium. I guess if I were to die tomorrow, i'd die happy. I feel totally content. It took me so long to get here. I don't ever want to date when DD is this young (LOL she's 4 1/2 which is still young.. then again when she's 16 i have a feeling i'll still be saying she's young <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">: ). But on the other hand I swear i'm going to become the crazy lady with the cats in a few years if things don't change!!!

 

[MsChatsAlot]

The loneliness is tough to get through sometimes, and yet, when you face it head on and get through it, you'll be so much better on the other side.<br><br>
I remember those days, sitting on my couch on a Sunday afternoon, crying as I watched other 'families' doing things together. Barbecues, bike rides, walks, etc. It was tough. But, I took the times that were most difficult (like Sunday afternoons) and did something completely different. It got us out of the house and away from watching others and wanting what they had.<br><br>
If you look to date now, when you are lonely, it will end up not so good because you are getting into it for all the wrong reasons. I remember reading a great book once that said you are either running to a relationship or running away from something. If you're running away...you're headed for disaster.<br><br>
Offering hugs. I have moments of loneliness now, but not like it was when I was first separated or when the kids were really little.<br><br>
It does get better.

 

[WhimsyMama]

Totally know what you mean about the crazy cat lady thing!! If I'm not rambling on about something or other to my baby, it's to my cat. Glad to know I'm not the only one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
That's really cool you are almost done with school. Congrats!

 

[WhimsyMama]

Thanks Ms.Chatsalot...I like your idea about figuring out something else to do on Sundays. Sundays are definitely when it hits me the hardest. I guess I also just need to let go of the idea that if I were with someone, that things would be so much better. Like I keep thinking I'm missing out because I'm not sharing the experience of raising a child with a partner. But I do talk to my family about my baby all the time, so I do have people to share it with. I just need to get over the idea that somehow we are not good enough or complete just the two of us. Ugh. Heavy thoughts!

 

[babibelli]

i really like your posts, mschatsalot..they are very insightful and i can tell you are coming from a strong place...<br><br>
i'm having a hard time tonite too. i spoke with my x on the phone and we were actually getting along and i really do miss having a partner sometimes.<br><br>
it is hard being at social functions where i am the only single mom-and i remember having a husband to go to those things with. i see the other mamas with their husbands and i start to feel sad. i miss having someone to talk to and to share my day with. i get lonely and wonder if i'll ever be able to get "out there" again.<br>
i also realize that alot of this is simply "fluff" and hides the truth: that my ex was abusive and that me and my dd's are better now that we are not married anymore.<br>
it is hard, grieving my marriage, even as bad as it was-

 

[captainkitty]

It is helpful, I think, to bear in mind that the "happy couples" you see are so very often not that. They may be having a happy moment but it seems to me very few people actually manage to end up in a happy relationship. There are a lot of different ways to have an imperfect life ... being the only adult in your household is one, but being one of two adults in a crappy relationship which meets some superficial needs and yet deeply undermines you is just a different way of being unhappy.<br><br>
I guess what I'm saying is that the only thing that is better than being alone with your kid, as hard as it is, is being in a really GOOD relationship -- and those are few. I hope one is in your future. Just know that everyone around you is NOT in a better place than you are. Just a different one.<br><br>
xxoo

 

[forthebest]

Some insightful advice from pp's, I agree it's not the right time to head into a relationship in your current situation whimsymama, and also that indeed a lot of those happy couples are anything but. I think we as women quite often think that a partner will sort our problems out, a sort of fairytale ending but so often that is not the case.It can be more pronounced cos we have a child and would like to have shared that with a decent husband. I totally agree with the above pp, nothing short of a really good relationship will do, it's a big step and too often you may meet someone totally unworthy who may cause your family more hassle than it's worth. I've been a sp for long time now, I'm 39, and y'know it's good to be on my own with my dc, but it took a while. I think you have done really well and are having to slog away to just get by and look after your dc and everything else, it's hard but give yourself a well-earned pat on the back, be good to yourself, yes it's nice to have someone else be good to us<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> and by no means will you have to be single forever, it just feels that way sometime!<br>
Feeling part of a complete unit is hard cos our society is so couple-centric in so many ways specially when you have dc, there is a lot of negativity put on us singlemoms( I so get the pitymom thing too) and you need to learn ways to break out of that pattern which adds to depression. You are better than the social stigma implies and doing a very important valid job raising your dc and you are working to support yourself too! I think you could see about getting some training in some field or work training to enable you through time to attain better wages and more rewarding employment which could really help you to make the most of your talents and would be an incredible boost all round. We do tend to get cast aside and not supported a lot. I am currently trying to get better work and the stigma regards our worth, paying bills, not having a support network,etc etc is stunning.<br>
Lonliness is at times hard but a lot of it is in the mind I think, how you are feeling at the time, sad, tired,stressed, depressed maybe, a trick is to mentally prepare yourself for these times and evolve ways of getting through the hard times, don't give into it and believe every negative thought you may have, it's simply not true. I deffo get into doing stuff with my dc , sometimes with friends and their dc though I value my alone time very much! I also value time spent with people we like. I spend time with a man I've known a while who's divorced and has two lads. We don't have a sexual thing going and never have and are still mates! Women are made to feel like they are on the shelf if they dont have a partner,and at an increasingly earlier age for women these days, like spinster( old wifie with cats) bachelor( dashing fellow with man pad) and friends maybe strangers will comment on it but they give up eventually then you know you are really past it, can't wait! So don't feel bad, get more rest/you time, bath oils, meditate 10 mins a day, have fun doing stuff with your dc, mine are 9,11 and 14, it gets easier in some ways. I hope you meet the right person on your journey and that it is all or nearly all good.

 

[mamagoose]

Whimsymama, welcome from another mama who reads here a lot but doesn't often post because I'm not always sure what to say. My stbx and I separated in 12/05 when our ds was 6 mos. stbx is involved in the sense that he takes ds a couple of days per week (no overnights yet) and we check in every day about stuff related to ds.<br><br>
I work full-time (have to, I make 3x as much as stbx and it's my paycheck that feeds, clothes, shelters and insures our son) and spend the rest of my time doing what I love most -- taking care of ds on my own. It's exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for a second. For me, being alone with ds is less draining than it was being with stbx. He's a good guy, a kind guy, not abusive or anything, but for various reasons is self-absorbed and I never got anywhere near the same level of energy/attention from him that I gave to him. Without him, I feel free to focus my energy and attention on ds, and I don't feel drained and unappreciated.<br><br>
Sometimes I wish I had a partner who was invested in me and made my well-being and happiness his priority and who really wanted to be with me. But, I'm so tired after my marriage, and I feel so unsure that a truly mutually committed partnership is out there for me, that frankly I'm content for it to just be me and ds, even if it ends up always being that way. My family and my women friends, most of whom are also mamas, provide me with more unconditional and reliable love and support than I feel I could get from a romantic relationship.<br><br>
I hope you come to a place of peace and acceptance with this phase of your life, and I hope you can find and connect with other single mamas. It's wonderful that your family is so involved and supportive.<br><br>
Wishing you peace--

 

[WhimsyMama]

Thanks so much for all of your replies and support. I know that it will be okay. I like what you said Mamagoose about this being a phase. It's true. I had my "new-mama sleep-deprived runnin' on adrenaline and baby love" phase, and now I'm into something a little different...I guess "trying to figure out who I am as a mama while chasing toddler around in circles" phase?<br><br>
I love my boy so, so much. He is such a gift. I think I need to stop trying to over-analyze *why* I'm a single mom, and how/why it could be different and just be proud of the fact that I am. I do work hard, really really hard. I gotta cut me some slack! Just hard sometimes. Thanks for all the kind reminders.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>WhimsyMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7924397"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks Ms.Chatsalot...I like your idea about figuring out something else to do on Sundays. Sundays are definitely when it hits me the hardest.</div>
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Sundays were hardest for me too! However, sitting in my house or in my yard feeling sorry for myself only made things worse. I decided to make Sundays our grocery shopping day. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, kept us busy with other things and soon, I started to look forward to Sundays because they were quieter days and as my kids got older they became family fun days!<br><br>
I know it's hard. I have sooooo been there. And because I'm no longer there, I can tell you it is possible and feels so much better on the other side.<br><br>
It's okay and quite normal to feel like you're missing out, especially when you are in the first year or two of separation/divorce, but once you focus on what you do have, it becomes so much easier!