[mojobot2000]

Here's the deal. We've been co-sleeping and bf-ing on cue with my 10-w-o dd since birth. I did some soul-searching recently and came to these conclusions:

1) I'm not really up for the ultra-committed, in-our-beds-until-she-asks-for-her-own brand of co-sleeping. For a number of reasons, I think it will be better for my family if dd is in her own bed, in her own room, by around 12 months.

2) I've been using bf-ing as a way to shut the little monster up, rather than as a truly nurturing response to a need. I have zero tolerance for even the slightest amount of fussiness, much less crying, so I've been shoving the boob in her mouth constantly, interpreting any upset or distress that wasn't obviously a wet diaper as hunger. (Mostly this is because I'm lousy at self-soothing, and I over-identify with DD, so that when she's distressed, I'm distressed, and I am not much more advanced than she is at dealing with it.

I've been trying to make some changes, and have definitely been struggling with making it a gentle transition, and stumbling a bit along the way, sometimes trying to change too much at once, sometimes declaring the whole "change" thing a total disaster and going back to my old bad habits until I came to my senses.

One thing I'm doing consistently now is putting little Ruby down to sleep by herself in her Arm's Reach in the evenings. It's been working pretty well -- I wouldn't say it's EASY, but we snuggle and I let her suck a pacifier (controversial, I know) until she gets drowsy, then set her down with some sweet words and pats and leave, and come back in for more sweet words and pats whenever she needs me. I had tried to change the way we napped, too (I've been nursing her down for naps and sleeping by her side until she went into deep sleep, then sneaking away), but decided that can wait a week or two while we make the nighttime transition.

I'm also bf-ing a bit less during the day -- not scheduling, and not withholding, but trying to make sure that it's HUNGER or at least a need to suck boobie that I'm responding to, instead of just silencing her natural expressiveness. This is really tough, because both of us are used to the old way, so it kind of feels like day 1 in terms of figuring out our relationship.

Now: About 4-5 times in the week and a half since I started making changes, little Ruby has had a bout of inconsolable screaming in the evening, right around bedtime. It doesn't seem like it's BECAUSE I'm putting her to bed, and I'm pretty sure she'd do it no matter what I was doing at the moment. When I say "inconsolable," I mean inconsolable -- there's nothing I can do (including bf-ing) that will calm her. When I say "screaming," I mean SCREAMING. Not crying. It's like she's possessed -- bright red, thrashing from side to side, mouth wide open, SCREAMING. It doesn't last long -- I haven't timed it, but it feels like it lasts about 15 minutes, and it probably actually lasts a lot less than that. All I can do it hold her, tell her I'm here, and wait for it to subside into the most pitiful little gasping sobs, when she's finally ready to be comforted. At this point, she'll generally go right to sleep if I put her down.

This is sheer torture for me, and it makes me re-think everything I'm doing...but I really feel like I'm right about conclusions 1 and 2. I could go back to what I was doing before, and it might solve the problem right now...then again, it really might not -- it also seems like this has something to do with where she's at developmentally, and the fact that she's taking in a lot more stimuli and being a lot more active during the day -- and I don't think I'd be doing either of us any favors in the long run.

I have always said that I would NEVER EVER let my baby CIO, and I still feel that way. I wonder how what I'm doing is different from CIO. I feel horribly guilty and like a bad mom, and I'm still contending with all the feelings that made it hard for me to tolerate her crying in the first place.

The point of this epic novel is mostly to share and vent, and also to seek any wisdom, reassurance, or insight anyone has. And to wonder: Will it ever stop? Or will she be screaming like this every other night for the next year or more?

 

[BeantownBaby9]

if she is SCREAMING like that, I bet there is something else going on. The red faced screaming reminds me of my DS, right before he was diagnosed with reflux. Do you eat dairy? Ruby may have an MPA (milk protein allergy) as well. Do you do the HBOTB tricks of swaddling and Shhhh-ing? Before medication, the only thing that calmed DS was boob or the vacuum. Is she bobbing or throwing her head back when you hold her? How much are you wearing her during the day? do you wear her at night? I used to have to get DS down in the moby every night at that age, he needed the contriction.

Quote:

I have zero tolerance for even the slightest amount of fussiness, much less crying, so I've been shoving the boob in her mouth constantly

Sorry dear, but you haven't even hit teething or sleep regressions yet. It is going to get worse. You need to lower the bar of expectations of what Ruby is capable of, and toughen up, c'mon, you are a tough NY-er, you CAN handle this. And Ruby needs you to handle this. Have a 'tude about her when she isn't the perfect angel, she WILL pick up on that, and in the end make it harder on both of you. Its easy if you have a partner at home to just give up, and have them deal when you get frazzled and the baby is loosing it, but that baby needs both of you, and tender sweet calm assurances that no matter the pain or fuss, you are there to help them through it.

 

[almadianna]

Mama, your child is 10 weeks old. At this age I would not at all limit your breastfeeding time and I would not limit the amount of nursing that your child does. This can be detrimental to your supply. Even if a baby is not sucking for hunger, they do need comfort and at this age trying to withold comfort from your baby is not a good idea...

Also at this age your baby does not know another way to express how they are feeling or what they need so there might be a reason for the crying. Is it possible that the baby has colic?

This is a great quote on the subject:

Quote:

Once we become parents it is easy to blame ourselves when our children's behavior seems out of control. The pervasive idea that we should be able to control sleep habits leads us too quickly to call night waking a "sleep disorder" and to wonder what we are doing wrong to cause it. Research gives no indication that anything parents do causes night waking. Babies whose cries are responded to rapidly are not more prone to it. Assuming that there is some method out there to treat sleep "disorders" undermines a parent's confidence. Despite the notion that "healthy, normal" babies sleep through the night, surveys of parents show that most babies do not sleep through the night, at least until all their teeth are in. While waiting for our children to develop physically and emotionally to the point where they can realistically soothe themsleves to sleep, we need to work on our own development toward tolerance, patience, and acceptance of those aspects of parenting that are beyond our control. What remains in our control is the ability to continue to care for our children even though they are keeping us awake at night; to continue to hold to our own integrity as feeling people. To embrace a philosophy that takes into account the individual needs of each child is not to ignore the unfortunate reality that we need sleep. We need to nurture ourselves in this process of raising children. The key to tolerance, and the natural passge through the nightwaking years, is to observe, accept, and work with your child's own inner rhythms and timetables, which can lead to the understanding that nurturing your child and nurturing yourself are not mutually exclusive enterprises. 'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara

 

[LadyCatherine185]

Having a new baby is really tough. Especially when they seem unhappy. I agree with the PP's who suggested getting a new 'attitude' towards your LO.

Quote:

I've been using bf-ing as a way to shut the little monster up, rather than as a truly nurturing response to a need.

^this attitude is not healthy for you or for your tiny new baby.

Also, breastfeeding is about SO much more than just meeting her need for hunger. You are nurturing her in so many more ways, and you should not limit nursing at all. If she is crying, and she is not wet/dirty or hurt in any way, why would you with-hold the thing that will help to calm and soothe her the best way, and will meet the needs of hunger, tiredness (if she nurses to sleep), and the need for closeness. Yes, babies NEED to be close to their mamas.

Quote:

I have zero tolerance for even the slightest amount of fussiness, much less crying

^i totally indentify with this. I hate hate hate when DS fusses or cries. I cannot stand it. So I make sure that I scoop him up right away and meet whatever need he has that is making him fuss/cry. And if it isn't anything I can figure out, I hold him. At least he is in my safe, loving arms and can feel more secure.

I feel like you are overthinking and overanalyzing a lot of things. Right now your babe is so so young, and her basic needs are for food, sleep, and love. All of those things can be met by nursing her. Follow your instincts, go with her flow. If breastfeeding when she fusses and co-sleeping are what seems to make her happy, and what is the easiest and feels right, then do it. Don't worry about forming 'habits' because a baby's needs are their wants, and when they don't need you to nurse them or sleep with them, they will stop wanting those things.

As for the screaming, I would definitely look into reflux, or food allergies. DS has both of these, and once we got them figured out, he is much much happier!

I also recommend a baby carrier of some kind. We didn't like a sling, but we have a baby bjorn type carrier and DS and I love love love it! Though he has grown out of it and we are getting an Ergo soon! Sometimes just putting him in it and going for a walk really saved both our sanity.

Good luck with everything, I hope you get some things figured out soon.

 

[JamieCatheryn]

A lot of babies just have a very rough time in the evenings and will scream and cry. Also they may need to nurse more often for comfort or because milk production is less that time of day. We went through that with DS and are bracing ourselves for it with this next one. Rule out dairy or other intolerances and reflux. If it's not any of that just soothe her as best you can, with the breast or just holding, swaddling if that helps, walking, rocking, bouncing, and know that it will not last forever.