[eilonwy]

My little man is taking 6-7 steps at a time, but not really "walking". Likewise, he's got about 50 words and 15-20 two and three word sentences, but he's not "talking" like an adult would. He's 11 months old, so I'm not really concerned about this, but every time we see my mother she mentions that "You were walking independantly at 10 months" or "When you were 11 months old, you could say 'Mom, I want the blue ball on the shelf over there, could you get it down for me?' ". It's like she's saying that I'm either parenting badly (because my kid isn't as brilliant as I was) or I chose my husband poorly (because my son isn't as smart as my genes would allow him to be). It is definately GETTING ON MY NERVES and I want to strangle her!

I don't think I'm a bad parent, and I am not personally worried about his progress; I don't think the fact that he's not talking like an adult at 11 months is necessarily an indicator that he's less intelligent than I am, and I certainly don't like the insinuation that my husband is stupid because he's not as smart as I am (he's not). And I don't think that changing my parenting style would make my son any brighter than he is, or that forcing him to walk before he's ready is really going to make a positive impact on his future development.

It's just making me ill, and my mother doesn't understand why I don't want her saying these things to Eli (or to my neices or nephew, for that matter). Her parenting had nothing to do with how smart we were. Maybe this is her way of saying "I did something right, and your kids are the proof. My babies were smarter than yours are." Ick! I don't know. I can think of lots of reasons she might be doing it, but frankly I don't care. I just want it to *stop*.

 

[kama'aina mama]

Yuck! And honestly, are you sure she's even right? I have noticed that people can sledom REALLY remember things like that accurately but that seldom stops them from spouting off about it.

 

[eilonwy]

Oh, I'm sure she's right, but that's totally not the point.

She's making it out like Eli is slow because he's *not* doing the things I (and my siblings) did at the same time. She said the same things about my nieces and nephew, but she seems to be holding my son to a higher standard, because my husband is smarter than either of my siblings' partners.

 

[smittenmom]

Your child sounds brilliant to me! 50 words at 11 months?! My dd is 13 months and doesn't have a single word in her vocabulary! Not that I'm saying I think she's slow or comparing her to others.. I don't think that's productive. But it sounds like your ds is ahead of the curve. Just 'cause he's not as "advanced" as you were at that age doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. Hasn't your mother ever heard that each child develops at their own pace?

I'm so thankful for my non-judgmental, open-minded, supportive mom!

 

[Marsupialmom]

I would be suspect of your mom's memory. Also how much of this is just stuff she "understood".

My middle child is hard of hearing. I have (I myself) have seen parents understand and just "know" what their children are saying even though the language is intelligible.

Your child sounds normal.

I think I would get your mom a child development book.

Also, I think I would be blunt. "Mom what you just said hurt my feelings. I think I need to go/hang-up/et." Or "Mom, you seem to have some concerns about ----- growth. What worries you and why?"

 

[captain optimism]

My mom does this. I don't trust her because of the time she told me that I said the Shma prayer before bed at one year. (

) When I pressed her it turned out that no, I didn't say the shma, I said the WORD shma when she prompted me.

I was a smart baby and a gifted little girl, though I don't think as far ahead of the curve as you. My mom thinks I should take her parenting advice because of it. When I think back on my childhood and how miserable some of her parenting made me, I realize that I could have achieved much more with more love and acceptance. Achieved more academically, adjusted better socially, and been just generally happier than I was.

Not that I was completely miserable, but there are so many times I remember feeling like she didn't love me at all, and that was completely miserable.

My impression is that some of your experiences were even worse.

So the next time she says this stuff, ask her if it's a contest. Tell her you are going for the happiest child, and ask her what her goals were.

Now that you are an adult, I hope you value yourself for other qualities than intelligence. Intelligence or memory or academic ability, they are all very valuable and useful. But you are more than the sum of those things, you have worth that exceeds what you can do. So does your baby.

 

[shelbean91]

I would also question memory. I don't remember exactly waht my dd was doing at 11 mos- and she's only 3 1/2 now. I'm sureby the time she has kids, I really won't remember.

 

[Leatherette]

When your mom is saying things that are inappropriate, you should tell her, and be specific, because she does not have the social intuitive skills to figure it out for herself.

I wouldn't put "it hurts my feelings" into it, because usually what people with inappropriate social skills do is tell you that it shouldn't hurt your feelings, and keep on doing it.

I'd say, "It is not appropriate to compare my son to anyone, including me as a baby. You need to stop doing it." and repeat as necessary, like a broken record.

I know it is hard to talk to your mom like that, but it is also hard to grow up being compared to others. My grandmother was like this. There was always "the favorite", whose praises were sung to a puke-some degree, and "the black sheep", who was compared to all the kids ranked above him/her. It was very painful for the black sheep, and uncomfortable for the favorite (and status was always subject to change based on Grandma's whim). And none of the parents ever said anything to her.

Good luck. Sorry this is happening.

L.

 

[veganmamma]

I agree that your mom is out of line. My favorite way of dealing with stuff like that is to ask a ton of questions.

Well, you walked at 10 mos.

Hmm.. Do you think 11 mos is late to walk?

Well, I'm just saying how advanced you were.

Really, are you saying Eli is 'slow'?

No way a grandma wants to imply those things about her grandchild. Even if she is trying to pat herself on the back. Maybe she will see that she is being hurtful. If that doesn't work, I definitely recommend a direct apporach. Eli is listening, and he doesn't need to hear the comparisons.

My grandma would compare me to my mom- she was perfect, I was a brat. It actually made me and my mom closer, but it was very hurtful. Also, my mom has a habit of pointing out what a perfect baby I was. Dd had nb gas- I didn't. Dd had a phase where she only nursed side lying- i never did that. Dd sometimes has a ahrd time settling into a nurse- I never did- you see where this is going? Apparent;y I was God's gift to motherhood. :LOL It doesn't really bother me b/c I know she isn't implying dd is somehow less perfect than I was, but I don't want her to hear it. Fortunately my mom is a therapist and I can very easlity take a direct approach with her. GOod luck dealing with your mom!
Lauren

 

[Peppermint]

You've gotten good responses already, but if it were my mom (who thank goodness would not do that), I would discuss with her the true value of "intelligence", and ask her if she thinks intelligence is the most important thing, tell her that you are trying to concentrate on teaching Eli to be a loving, kind, accepting, supportive person (might make her think, if she's a bright as you are

she should be able to pick up on the subtle tone of that

)

Good luck, and don't let her get you thinking that anything is wrong, he sounds totally normal to me

 

[teachma]

I can relate to the topic of this discussion. My mom isn't nearly as bad as yours, but she does always remind me how brilliant my siblings and i were as babies and preschoolers. My ds (3) has also met all those "milestones" very early, but now that he's 3, there are things I could do that he can't yet. I was writng my name and spelling other 3 letter words, I was reading the beginning reader books, etc. The issue is that now my mom has become his primary care provider while I am at work each day (I am a teacher; my mom was one, too) and she spends all day teaching him these school skills. I would rather she just let him learn on his own, even maybe at kindergarten in a couple of years. Granted, in a couple of months she has helped him learn the sounds that almost all the letters make, and he is trying to read things in public now, but to me, that doesn't make him any more "intellingent" than he was a couple of months ago. He's the same incredible kid to me, whether he reads now or in 2 years. I think you received great advice here, and I'll remember if I ever need it myself!

 

[jeca]

My grandmother does that. She swears that my uncle was potty trained by 6 months and walking by 7months and when I ask eher how he managed to sit on a potty before he can even walk she say'we just strapped him onto it". UGH, I swear alot of times i think they exagarate just to get a rise out of us. I know it doesn't help but just repeat to her over and over again if need be that you are "not worried about it". I have to say ti sto my own family several times a day. Sounds to me like he's doing perfectly fine.

 

[Piglet68]

I don't think your mother realizes how it's coming across. She may just be taking pleasure in reliving your babyhood, or she may be trying to be "helpful".

I would just tell her flat out "Mom, when you say things like that, it makes me feel like you are suggesting there is something wrong with Eli, or my parenting."

See how she responds to that.

 

[sohj]

I second everything above.

And I really doubt that she remembers so well. Any independent verification available?

Every mother wants to think her children are the smartest ever. It is natural. She's just gotta get over it.

11 mos. for walking and talking is positively precocious compared to my little boy who walked at 15 mos. and who, of course, is the next Leonardo Da Vinci.

(But seriously, just get her to clam up about all that. )

 

[tausborn]

In reading all these posts, it reminds me that the definition of a good mother used to be based on when the child ate "real" food and how old they were when they were potty trained. I remember my mother trying to feed my brother at 3 months... My MIL brags about how she never had to put delicate things out of the way with her kids, but of course, she hit them...

My mom also expresses a lot of dissaproval towards me about my parenting, and it's usually over something that her generation did differently.

At the very least, it seems to me that previous generations felt a need to "FORCE" children to do things; hit them for touching things, force them to the potty, drill the ABCs for hours, shove food down their throats... we've all heard the stories.

It seems that she thinks that since you aren't a drill instructor, you are negligent. I get the same thing.

When my mom gets critical of me, I tell her what the current research shows and how it's different today. And, then, I tell her to shut up.

 

[sleepies]

doing things early is not an indicator of iq or anything.

i wish i had the "facts" but i am pretty sure I read that Einstein was very late to walk , talk and everything else.

doing them later maybe doing them better.

who cares anyhow?

first isn't better.

i guess when people say things like that to me, i just point out other SUPER DUPER things about my special baby!



*************

I guess you could always be sarcastic: and say "Yes, mom, your grand babies are STUPID ! (which they aren't)

and you could also go this route "Well, mom if you had taught me how to be a better mother...guess you failed"

Of course those are SARCASTIC being a good mom has NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THE THINGS MENTIONED. babies are all different.

 

[eilonwy]

Thank you for the great suggestions. I'm also somewhat relieved that my mother isn't the only one who says things like this! We do have a fair amount of independant verification, and I actually remember my siblings (for my earliest memories of my brother, he was 7 months old or so) doing these things. I've got no reason to doubt her memory, only her attitude. And I don't think she forced us; I remember her hiding books from me in an effort to slow me down (she'd been told that children who read before they go to school had learning problems later in life.

: ). I just wish she could see that Eli is brilliant in his own right. He's much better adjusted socially than I ever was (though of course this might change) and he has a much more relaxed environment to grow up in. I think part of the reason my siblings and I learned so quickly was that it was a survival issue for us. Eli doesn't have that. There's nothing for him to run from, and thus no need for him to walk more than a few steps, kwim?

I regularly tell my mother off, but this particular issue... I guess I just felt silly about it. I mean, is she paying me a compliment, or is she being nasty to my Eli-bean?

:

: Your replies are totally vindicating for me.

Thanks again.

 

[Peppermint]

You hit the nail on the head. There are "multiple intelligences" that your mom might like reading about, and studies show that the most "valued" in our society is actually social intelligence, we all know brilliant people who have no friends, can't carry on a conversation that is socially appropriate. IMO none of the intelligences are more important than others, and we need people who are strong in different intelligences to make the world go around.

I think the best we can do is be aware of the different forms of intelligence and watch as our children to grow at their own pace, while helping in the areas they seem to lack naturally and encouarging in the areas they seem gifted in. There is no point in pushing one thing as "best". My kids have gotten my husband's artistic abilities and I am thrilled, cause although I *was*

pretty smart, I could dance, sing, draw, or anything even remotely creative and it is still something that embarrasses me, my parents didn't help, they were just thrilled that I was "smart" and encouraged me as a teen to take accounting instead of music and art, b/c "who needs that?"

You are doing great, and I think you have a chance to do things very differently from your mom, and hopefully someday all of our kids will think we did ok with them

 

[VenalAnatomica]

Quote:

"When you were 11 months old, you could say 'Mom, I want the blue ball on the shelf over there, could you get it down for me?' ".

hah
sure.

your son sounds brilliant.
your mom sounds...something...

 

[shelley4]

of course your son is brillant in his own right!! so what if he is doing things later than you.. my son didn't walk until 13 months, and is now 2, and would NOT be able to say such a long sentence!! He would say something like "toy down"!!!

she needs to lay off.. my MIL is the same way.. when she says "kurt did this at 10 months", i'd say, "that's great!! but Kaeden ISN'T Kurt, and he'll do it in his own time"