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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I didn't know which forum to put this in!<br><br>
Anyway, I don't fill the air with endless chatter. Never have. I find that a comfortable silence is much preferable to talking about nothing for hours and hours and hours. I mean, if you're really comfortable with someone <i>you don't have to say anything at all because everything has already been said</i> and you're both ok with that.<br><br>
Who is not ok with this? My partner! i tried to explain how I felt about useless blather and instead he is always asking me what I'm thinking and telling me I look like I'm out in la-la land (I do spend a lot of time thinking about novel plotting), so I say I'm thinking of nothing because if I say I'm thinking about the book of course he doesn't care. WTH am I supposed to talk about with him? The weather? We have nothing in common except our kids, and although I'm always happy to talk about whatever subject comes up, I don't see the point of <i>talking about something stupid just for the sake of filling the silence.</i><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
What would you do?<br><br>
(No offense to all you chatterboxes everywhere!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">)
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"><br>
I'm a fellow non-talker married to a talker.<br><br>
I always say...Well, what do <i>you</i> want to talk about? Of course, that doesn't really help when I don't particularly want to talk about anything and would rather keep reading my book, so that's when I gently suggest he practice his guitar or drums because he can't play and talk at the same time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Good idea, I would like that. I used to do that with a friend of mine in college. He would play guitar and I would write very bad poetry. Maybe dp and I should play more video games together, we both love them. Right now we have an old-school NES but I really want a PS3 since Final Fantasy is my absolute fave game and I wouldn't say no to mowing down some zombies either.
 

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Moved to Parents as Partners.
 

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The video games thing is a great idea. Dh and I have several tv shows we like, and we have a couple video games. Our main area's of interest are so far from each other. Though we are both eager to listen to the other, I understand that I don't always feel that way (and I'm sure he doesn't either) so having those other activities that we can do together that do not require "heart felt conversation" are awesome!!<br><br>
That said, are more of a contact couple. We prefer cuddling in bed on Saturday morning to talking over a meal. Probably because we don't get a lot of contact, and we're always being interrupted. It's very interesting how our relationship has evolved along with our stage of parenting.
 

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I also am a quieter non-small talking person. I do occasionally with strangers to try to be nice, but I'm pretty introverted. I can get started on things if it's the right topic. Dh says the same things to me sometimes if I'm really quiet. But it's usually stuff I either don't want to talk about or he wouldn't care about...like knitting. So I've gotten to the point where I'll just start rambling about knitting gauges or something and he won't ask me again for awhile what I'm thinking. Not a perfect solution, but it gets the job done.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Purple Sage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15456809"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"><br>
I'm a fellow non-talker married to a talker.</div>
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Me too. He never lets anybody else talk anyway. I usually can't even fit in a "U-hmm"... because there's never enough space in his talking (at me) for that.<br><br>
Even if my daughter is already talking to me, he just blasts over us and starts his talking.
 

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My husband and I have very different interests, so we're not interested in talking about the same topics with each other. We still listen to what the other has to say, but yeah. We play WoW (Elune server) together for us to have something in common that we both like.
 

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I do to my husband what yours does to you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I talk. He doesn't. You don't have to become a chatterbox, but it might help to understand where he's coming from, and maybe the both of you move out of your comfort zones for the sake of the other.<br><br>
As someone who blathers...when somone engages in conversation with me I feel loved, listened to, and validated, even if it's about something as trivial as the weather. Not because of the conversation itself but because the other person is looking at me, talking to me, and gives the impression that I am important to them, and that my thoughts and feelings are important to them, and not trivial.<br><br>
Understanding that it just isn't in dh's nature to chatter or to listen to chatter, I have spent several years toning it down and remembering that talking does not necessarily equal love. But it gives me a huge boost when he leaves his comfortable silence and chooses to chat with me, especially when I know he'd consider the subject trivial, but is choosing not to trivialize it because it's coming from me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Are you the mama whose husband was accusing her of cheating?<br><br>
If so, I'd say this is probably more significant than just a talker married to a non-talker.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BetsyNY</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15457873"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Are you the mama whose husband was accusing her of cheating?</div>
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Yes.<br><br>
Kittywitty--Well, if I talk about knitting he asks me why I can't just whip up a sweater because "you're always knitting". LOL. That's why I go to Ravelry for my "fix"! Because they understand that you can't knit a sweater in a day...at least not with small children running about. I can't, anyway. I should ask him to build me a house in a day. Hehe.<br><br>
Thanks for your advice, everyone! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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The marriage builders site has a lot about learning to meet your partners need for conversation (and other emotional needs). Some people have a greater need for this than others. Without frequent and intimate conversations I can't stay feeling head over heels in love with my hubby, its one of my top needs. I don't stop loving him if we're not talking, but its the conversations we have that make me swoon and fall all over him and I wouldn't want a marriage without those incredible romantic feelings now I've had them back for over 2 years.<br><br><a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html" target="_blank">http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html</a> I'm sure I've read more about it onsite but here's the only link I could come across immediately. I think if your partner makes you aware that they desire to be close to you in some way you'd do really well to sit up and pay attention and work out if thats a need you can meet.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alaskaberry</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15456779"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I mean, if you're really comfortable with someone <i>you don't have to say anything at all because everything has already been said</i> and you're both ok with that.</div>
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I think this is...sad.<br><br>
I like to talk, but I'm definitely not a 'chatterbox'. That said, if my dh didn't want to talk to me ever...I wouldn't feel like he liked me. Why would you have NOTHING to talk about? Granted, Dh and I have little in common as far as hobbies go (he's into music and whatnot, I'm into cooking and etc) but we share a life and thus have life goals, dreams for the future...etc.<br><br>
And...we talk about those things. I listen to him when he talks about his day - whether or not I find it insanely interesting or not - I love him and want to hear about his day.<br><br>
That's part of sharing your life with someone.<br><br>
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to pick on you...but honestly, reading your post makes me feel sad for your husband. I think I'd be pretty lonely if my dh didn't want to talk to me and purposely tried to bore me to get me to stop talking to them.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alaskaberry</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15456847"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Good idea, I would like that. I used to do that with a friend of mine in college. He would play guitar and I would write very bad poetry. Maybe dp and I should play more video games together, we both love them. Right now we have an old-school NES but I really want a PS3 since Final Fantasy is my absolute fave game and I wouldn't say no to mowing down some zombies either.</div>
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This (finding common interests) is a great idea! Dh and I love watching movies and whatnot together...and playing old school NES too! Fun times <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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There is no way you can have said everything there is to say. Everyone changes daily and a lot of the things you think you know about your partner may not be true anymore. DH and I come across things like that all the time and we talk for hours every week after 11years worth of talking lol
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>beansmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15460870"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to pick on you...but honestly, reading your post makes me feel sad for your husband. I think I'd be pretty lonely if my dh didn't want to talk to me and purposely tried to bore me to get me to stop talking to them.</div>
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I disagree that this is true for all relationships. I know some very happy and adjusted long term couples who don't talk a whole lot. Not that they *never* talk, but that there isn't a need for constant chatter. Maybe it depends on the introvert/extrovert relationship or personality.]<br><br>
I'm an introvert and don't like talking a whole lot. Dh knows this and is usually ok with it. I do tell him (usually unless it's very personal like a past trauma) what it's about, like I said usually something boring he doesn't care about like knitting. I don't just make stuff up. That would make me far more creative than I am in reality. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I think it's important to find balance in everything in life.<br><br>
There is obviously an imbalance in the amount of communication between you and your husband. I am very appreciative of quiet moments when two people can just "be" together, without having to talk, and still feel comfortable. But! I find it difficult to maintain the relationship where everything has been said already, kwim?<br><br>
Every day I have new hopes, new fears, new funny stories, new frustrating stories. I might need reassurance, or might want to discuss the future, or reflect on the past, I want to know how DP's day's been, what would he like tomorrow to be like, etc. I think it's super important to maintain daily communication on some level with your partner so that you don't grow apart. If you can't discuss silly things day to day, how will you face serious things? If you have nothing to say on a simple subject, how will you find the right words to approach a difficult one? At least that's how I see it.<br><br>
I think you and your husband should try to reconnect in a way. Wouldn't you feel happier if you had things to discuss with him? If you looked forward to sharing something little from the day with him? I just think it's worth to thinking about. Hope it works out for you, no matter what. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
P.S. If DP ever told me he has nothing to talk about with me, I would be absolutely crushed and heartbroken. Just another something to think about.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kittywitty</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15461590"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I disagree that this is true for all relationships. I know some very happy and adjusted long term couples who don't talk a whole lot. Not that they *never* talk, but that there isn't a need for constant chatter. Maybe it depends on the introvert/extrovert relationship or personality.]<br><br>
I'm an introvert and don't like talking a whole lot. Dh knows this and is usually ok with it. I do tell him (usually unless it's very personal like a past trauma) what it's about, like I said usually something boring he doesn't care about like knitting. I don't just make stuff up. That would make me far more creative than I am in reality. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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I agree that all relationships are different, but there is a HUGE difference between 'don't talk a whole lot' and trying to avoid talking to your partner at all costs (purposely trying to bore them so they 'learn' not to talk...) and then being super irritated when they do talk to you.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>beansmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15462191"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree that all relationships are different, but there is a HUGE difference between 'don't talk a whole lot' and trying to avoid talking to your partner at all costs (purposely trying to bore them so they 'learn' not to talk...) and then being super irritated when they do talk to you.</div>
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Yeah, that does seem strange, but I guess it would depend on the person. I know there are some people out there who will talk and talk without any regard to the listener and how interested or disinterested they may be. In this case, I can see wanting to find ways to avoid having endless conversations because it is just as inconsiderate for a talker to ignore the feelings of the person he's talking to as it is for the nontalker to ignore the needs of her partner. I don't know if this is the OP's situation or not, though. It does sound like there are other issues if "everything has already been said."<br><br>
There really has to be a balance. DH and I have great conversations, but sometimes I just need quiet, and I don't think it's unreasonable or unloving of me to gently tell him that I don't want to chat about music or the drama going on with his coworkers at that moment. And he understands. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It's all about balancing the needs of both people, as everyone in this thread agrees.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Purple Sage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15462243"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">DH and I have great conversations, but sometimes I just need quiet, and I don't think it's unreasonable or unloving of me to gently tell him that I don't want to chat about music or the drama going on with his coworkers at that moment. And he understands. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It's all about balancing the needs of both people, as everyone in this thread agrees.</div>
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agreed. I'm the chatty one and my DH is very quiet, and we've found a balance too.<br><br>
But if my DH felt that same way as the OPer, our marriage would eventually end. I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life with someone who has no desire to talk to me. Conversation is an important part of connecting emotionally to me.<br><br>
Without it, we are just a team to pay bills, run a household, and release sexual tension.<br><br>
For me, there is no true intimacy without conversation.
 
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