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Discussion Starter #1
<p>This is what my friend told me this morning.  She has been divorced for 5 years and is just now entering the dating scene.  She has 2 kids and a nanny and so she's excited to be going out to clubs, staying in hotels, etc.  I'm happy for her.</p>
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<p>I'm happily married and spend a lot of time at home with DH and DD.  Our idea of a good weekend is having the cleaning ladies come, ordering in some food and relaxing.  We get out of the house for piano lessons, volunteer activities and horseback riding.  That's way enough for all of us.</p>
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<p>Her comment really made me look at my life and wonder if I should be doing more nights out with the girls, dancing, learning to Samba, weekends away from home, etc.  But then I realized that she is single and those are the things that she enjoys.  I don't enjoy chillin out with a bunch of women I don't know.  I'm 40 y.o. and have been there and done that.  I had a great time partying in my youth and I have no desire to be in that scene again. </p>
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<p>I'd much rather go out to dinner and a movie with DH.  Anyways, I'm rambling, but it feels good to clarify how I feel to myself.  Thanks for listening.  <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"></p>
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<p>I'm sorry, I saw the phrase "cleaning ladies" and immediately agreed that you're having a better time than I!!</p>
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<p>In all seriousness though, I think yours is a common problem.  My idea of having a good time is a few hours alone with DH, or...  I like quiet stuff these days.  Once a month I go out for a couple glasses of wine with some other mom friends, but that is the most "exciting" thing I do these days.  And I'm okay with it!</p>
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<p>I've found (at least with my own friends) that often the people who are critical of my "boring" life, are often just trying to unload some insecurity about the ways they spend time.  Samba lessons are great and all, but they won't hug you after a bad day, they won't snuggle with you at night, and they won't love you.</p>
 

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I'm perfectly happy staying at home. I love it in fact. I'm a SAHM, we HS and go run errands/go eat lunch whatever about 3 times a week. I do like having date nights with DH...nut would really rather stay at home in my jammies. And I'm not quite 29...so it has nothing to do with age. It has everything to do with happiness. I only 'partied' for less than 6 months in my early 20's, and even then the only reason why I did it was bc I married at a young age and was not able to do those things like clubbing...I did it when I got divorced. And even then I didn't want to...I was just doing to not feel my pain at the time.<br><br>
I have a good group of ladies(ranging in ages 28-mid fourties) that we have GNO(girls night out) when we can. Bc we all have kids and it's hard...but we do it when we can. And I don't even like doing that more than once a month bc I just want to hang out with my loves at home.<br><br><br>
So don't question what you are doing...or not doing for that matter. Your heart will direct you where you need to be.
 

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<p>what about YOU though. without your DH and DD?</p>
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<p>i do admit you dont have to do all those things. i am an older single mom myself and neither do those things appeal to me.</p>
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<p>however there is something to be said about YOU. you as you not as you as mom or you as mother. </p>
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<p>i could be way off but it seems to me the really healthy marriages (just staying together i dont call a healthy marriage) around me - the ones i see where there are 3 or 4 kids and yet the parents themselves are very much into each other - are those that do things as a family and separately. doesnt mean they are off clubbing or dancing. it maybe just a simple girls night out dinner and movie, or vegging at one friend's house or going to an art show or whatever they like to do. </p>
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<p>i definitely feel there is something to that. my adoptive parents in this country - that's what i admire about their relationship. of course their dd is an adult. but both dh and dw are so happy to see their partner go off and do things that they are happy to be not involved. </p>
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<p>so if you do get your occasional nigth out and so does DH then i think you are good to go. </p>
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<p>i myself have always valued good friends along with a good partner. i still could live without a partner. i couldNOT do without good friends. </p>
 

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Discussion Starter #5
<p>Thank you so much for the responses.  I do things for myself, and they are quiet pursuits--- like going to the barn, reading, walking, spending time alone, getting an occasional massage.  That's what seems to nourish my spirit at this time in my life. </p>
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<p>I'd rather take that $100 that she wants to spend for clubbing and a hotel and spend it on cleaning ladies.  <em>That</em> nourishes my soul. </p>
 

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<p>It sounds like you either have a communication problem with your friend and she doesn't understand that you are happy, or that she is incapable of understanding that very different things are fun for you.</p>
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<p>I'm mostly quiet. My idea of a good time is volunteering at the library at my kids' school. I take time for myself by going to yoga classes, and my DH and I go on date each weekend -- usually out for breakfast together.</p>
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<p>Once every few years I want to get out and do something really wild, so we do. It gets it out of my system. About a year and a half ago, we went to an AC/DC concert, I got really drunk, and it was a blast.</p>
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<p>But right now I'm perfectly happy to just do my nice quiet things.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*bejeweled*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16040366"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Thank you so much for the responses.  I do things for myself, and they are quiet pursuits--- like going to the barn, reading, walking, spending time alone, getting an occasional massage.  That's what seems to nourish my spirit at this time in my life. </p>
<p><span><img alt="thumb.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif"> <span style="color:rgb(0,0,255);">RIGHT ON mama. you DO take care of yourself. you nourish your soul. perfecto. </span></span></p>
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<p>I'd rather take that $100 that she wants to spend for clubbing and a hotel and spend it on cleaning ladies.  <em>That</em> nourishes my soul. </p>
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<p>you know something. it sounds like a $100 and cleaning lady is what she has had. so she wants something else. something that your dh can provide. an adult conversation and some fun - whatever that may be for you.</p>
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<p>so give her her moment. you are perfectly secure where you stand. for her she is stepping into a new life. trying to figure things out. still on shakey ground. and so she feels woah if this is what i am missing out on then what about my friends. they should do the same if its sooo much fun.</p>
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<p>so give her her moment. let her get that out of her system. i have noticed with people around me - those who have not had the freedom to do what they had to as a teenager or young adult they do it when they are older. so i wonder if she never really got to do much of the club scene. </p>
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<p>but i think if you sit with her and listen to her stories of clubbing and support how happy you are she is having so much fun she will be able to open her eyes and see what you are truly like. </p>
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<p>i think sorrow likes company and so does happiness and excitement. </p>
<p> </p>
 

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<p>You need to do what feels right for you. I'm not a loud and crazy quiet person. If I DO go out without DH or the kids, I'd rather just go out for dinner and drinks one on one with a friend. Sometimes I just go to a movie by myself. I enjoy those things. I also enjoy quiet time to read, or occasionally shopping alone(and this is VERY occasionally). I don't need a big song and dance outing to get me by. </p>
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<p>It sounds like she's found something that works for her, and she's just assuming it works for everyone, but that you just haven't figured it out yet. *shrug* I wouldn't give it too much thought. </p>
 

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<p>I've been having conversations like that since I was a teenager. And, every now and then, I got sucked into thinking "they" (various different people over the years) must be right, so I went out to do something "fun". And, I didn't have fun. I eventually realized that they just didn't enjoy the same things that I do. I'm happy to go for a walk by myself, with or without an iPod, or curl up with a good book, or whatever.</p>
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<p>I need a lot more sleep than I'm getting, and I need to get more exercise (dd2 is proving to be a big challenge to me). But, I like the general shape of my life right now...time with my kids, time with dh, chances to read, and choir rehearsal on Tuesdsay nights. Once I work in a few swims, more hiking, etc., things will be about perfect. I have <em>no</em> desire to go clubbing and I don't like hotels. It can be very frustrating when people simply can't accept that my "thing" is so much different than their "thing".</p>
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<p>Okay - I wouldn't mind spending some time at the spa. I do love a good aromatherapy massage.</p>
 

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<p>Who is to say what "fun" looks like for someone else?  Fun is subjective.  My idea of the most fun anyone can possibly have in this world is making outstanding music with friends.  That is a specialized kind of fun that not everyone can enjoy.  That's OK.  It's MY fun. </p>
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<p>Spending time with my kids sounds like a fun time to me.  My idea of a really good day would include a massage, good food that someone else prepares, a good book and a concert. </p>
 

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<p>yep, I've BTDT with that scene in my 20s. I just have no desire to do it now. I enjoy spending my free time reading, or going shooting with dh or talking on the phone with BFF of 30 years. My mom totally doesn't get it, because even at 65 she has to be constantly on the go. Fine for her, but get off my back already I don't want to do that.</p>
 

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<p>extroverts do not understand introverts. for serious. there's a great article about it around here somewhere (not MDC, but online somewhere. :D ). anyway, it was a great article.</p>
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<p>truth is, you need to do things that work for you. i love spending time with my husband and my son, and i do have some (a tiny amount) of time alone, and we're working on developing more time for me to do the things that i want to do for myself (which are usually active things). </p>
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<p>seems to me that you have it all balanced and are happy, it's just that what she likes and what you like are different.</p>
 

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<p>If you are happy with your life, then you are happy with your life. Just because you don't do all the things she does, doesn't mean squat. Heck I'm in my 20's and at this point, I would rather spend the evening sitting in a darkened living room with DH, sipping wine and chatting.</p>
 

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<p>If I did not have my dh I would not be doing the clubbing or dating.Those things would not make ME happy,but I understand that it is a desire for many others.</p>
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<p>I prefer staying  home. I have set up the home so that we can do so much without even leaving.No need for movies with our big screen tv.No need for camping with our secluded  fire pit area.Lol, I like a clean house but doubt I would have a cleaning crew in.My most relaxing time is sitting outside reading while keeping an eye on the hens.</p>
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<p>My friend loves going to concerts. I went to some(and had fun) when I was a teen,but if I had to go now I would be soooo miserable!   </p>
 

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Discussion Starter #15
<p>Oh my, I feel so much better.  Thank you for your responses.  I had been really content with my life and her comment really threw me.  I have recentered myself.  Thank you so much.</p>
<p><span><img alt="rocks.jpg" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/rocks.jpg" style="width:85px;height:52px;"></span></p>
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>meemee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16040335"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
i could be way off but it seems to me the really healthy marriages (just staying together i dont call a healthy marriage) around me - the ones i see where there are 3 or 4 kids and yet the parents themselves are very much into each other - are those that do things as a family and separately. doesnt mean they are off clubbing or dancing. it maybe just a simple girls night out dinner and movie, or vegging at one friend's house or going to an art show or whatever they like to do. 
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<p>i definitely feel there is something to that. my adoptive parents in this country - that's what i admire about their relationship. of course their dd is an adult. but both dh and dw are so happy to see their partner go off and do things that they are happy to be not involved. </p>
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<p>so if you do get your occasional nigth out and so does DH then i think you are good to go. </p>
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<p>i myself have always valued good friends along with a good partner. i still could live without a partner. i couldNOT do without good friends. </p>
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<p><br>
You know, that's something I've heard so many times and is so completely opposite of what I've experienced/seen around me that I finally decided it probably doesn't matter either way, as long as both partners are on the same page.</p>
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<p>DH and I are pretty much the opposite of what you describe. So are my parents -- to an even greater extreme.</p>
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<p>*Everything* was done as a family when I was a kid... it didn't matter what, everyone was involved. No one ever even went to the grocery store without the rest of the family, and I never once had a babysitter or even a family member care for me for any length of time as a kid. That didn't change until I was a teenager and started wanting alone time, which my parents were fine with, but they were still attached at the hip. After 40 years of marriage, they're STILL attached at the hip and are literally never apart except when using the restroom (and even then, the door is left open). And they're the happiest couple I've ever seen. They ran a variety of family businesses so they weren't even apart during the workday before they retired. Literally 24/7 togetherness.</p>
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<p>DH and I are a lot like this, although not quite to the same extreme. DH does run errands without me sometimes (although he would always prefer it if I went with him, but sometimes I'm not really up for it.. I'm disabled). And he's in college now, so he's away from me then, and we've been separated for work (as in, in different locations during the workday). I realize we're pretty weird, but yeah, I actually miss DH when he is gone for a long day at school or work, and I'm still really glad to see him. For a long time, I was the primary wage earner and worked from home, so we had that 24/7 togetherness thing going on and LOVED it. If anything, he's even "clingier" than I am.. LOL. And yes, we are very, very happily married.</p>
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<p>One thing that's interesting is that my parents never really had friends, nor any desire for them. It's almost the same here. My husband neither has nor desires friendships (except with me and other family members). I have a few loose friendships (very low-maintenance friendships) and those friends understand that DH and I are a "package deal". Luckily never had a problem with that, but then the only local friendship I have is a package deal, too.</p>
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<p>I know this sounds incredibly unhealthy but I swear, we're happy, never want to be away from each other, never really get on each other's nerves, etc. I can imagine life without a partner and did fine when I spent a few years single and not looking, but I do find that if I'm single I need friends. Not so much now that I'm with DH... he's the only friend I really need. I would be devastated if I lost him but I'd survive; he feels the same.</p>
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<p>I've been given hell for our relationship being too "enmeshed" and labeled with various other ugly words in the past. I'm sure my parents have gotten that, too. But I really do think it's an individual thing, and the really unhealthy relationships I know of are the ones where the couple regularly spends time apart (e.g., vacationing separately).</p>
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<p>Neither type of relationship is universally healthy or unhealthy, IMO. The real problems arise, I think, when one person wants constant togetherness and the other wants time apart. ETA: Or if the desire for togetherness/separateness is a symptom of a larger problem.</p>
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<p>OP: We don't really go out and "do stuff" much either. We're very much homebodies and if we DO go out, we always bring our kids with us. Fun is just so subjective.. do what makes you happy :)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--K</p>
 

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<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
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<p>I'd rather take that $100 that she wants to spend for clubbing and a hotel and spend it on cleaning ladies.  <em>That</em> nourishes my soul. </p>
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<p>Then it sounds like you <strong>are</strong> enjoying life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I agree. Me enjoying life looks like me taking the kids to lunch at Chipotle while someone else cleans my bathroom. That's not any less than what anyone else does for fun, because it works for <strong>me</strong>.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #18
<img alt="nod.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/nod.gif"><img alt="nod.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/nod.gif"><img alt="nod.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/nod.gif"><br><div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16049672" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>phathui5</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16049672"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br><p> </p>
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<p>I'd rather take that $100 that she wants to spend for clubbing and a hotel and spend it on cleaning ladies.  <em>That</em> nourishes my soul. </p>
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<p>Then it sounds like you <strong>are</strong> enjoying life.</p>
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<p>I agree. Me enjoying life looks like me taking the kids to lunch at Chipotle while someone else cleans my bathroom. That's not any less than what anyone else does for fun, because it works for <strong>me</strong>.</p>
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You know, this is often <i>so very true</i>. <img alt="nod.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/nod.gif"><br><div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16040047" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Italiamom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16040047"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br><p>I've found (at least with my own friends) that often the people who are critical of my "boring" life, are often just trying to unload some insecurity about the ways they spend time.  Samba lessons are great and all, but they won't hug you after a bad day, they won't snuggle with you at night, and they won't love you.</p>
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Thank you. <img alt="love.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/love.gif"><br><br>
[quote name="jenniferadurham" url="/community/forum/thread/1278896/you-just-don-t-enjoy-life#post_16040123. Your heart will direct you where you need to be. [/quote]<br><br>
 
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