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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am 21 years old and I have always known that I didn't identify myself as a girl. At all really. But at the same time I have always wanted a baby and I have always wanted to get pregnant. I have been planning a single pregnancy since I was fifteen and I think that 2015 will be my year. I am not sure if everyone in my family will understand since they want me to "capture my youth!" or something like that. Half of my family sees me as a guy (which is closest to the truth anyway) though they have these neanderthal ideas of what a guy should be like (which will never be me) and most of the others hope I would just act like a girl. I have three siblings and they're all way older than me. My parents are in their sixties and my grandparents are all dead. 21 or not I want my own family that will be my people and I want my own kid to take care of y'know? I mean its not that strange is it? Wanting to reproduce I mean. Partying and all that doesn't hold a candle to having a baby in your arms in my book anyway so why should I put my life on hold because of it?

Anyway now I am kind of contemplating how I should go about doing this.. I don't have a very big group of friends or anything as most of them ran away when they realized I was LGBT. I am fine with being alone in the parenting and the pregnancy but I would really like to get to know some people who get where I am coming from. I am moving out of my parents house this spring, I am just about done with my education (for now anyway) and I have found a gynecologist to do the tests and a clinic that will do the rest.

Maybe I am just rambling here but I guess what I wanted to know is, do you guys get this feeling of despite not really fitting in anywhere, or maybe due to not fitting in anywhere, wanting to start a family and create a loving home on your own? Everyone here are so caught up in what society says, what a person of a certain gender should be like, what a person's body should look like and who they should want to be with. I have never in my life given a damn about any of that. I hardly even notice peoples genders anymore. Maybe I'm just the odd one out :p

I love my family and I know they love me but they will never ever understand fully what its like to never completely fit in anywhere. But when I think of parenting it feels so right and it feels like I was meant to do it.

Did/do any of you feel like this?

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I can certainly understand the deep desire to have a child and be a parent. I have always known I wanted to be pregnant and be a mom. Being a lesbian never conflicted with that for me. It's not strange at all that you want to have a family of your own. I know it's hard being young and ready to be on your own and having older people tell you you shouldn't do something, and I don't want to discourage you, but I do have a few things I think you should examine more closely.
First, 21 is really young to become a parent, especially a single parent. You said you are finishing school soon. Will you have a full-time job? How much money will you be making? Will you be able to afford a place to live with enough room for you and a baby? How will you pay for childcare while you are working? Will you be able to get short term disability or any other pay during maternity leave? You also said you don't have a big group of friends. Do you have friends who will support and help you through pregnancy and when you have a child? Support is key to you being healthy and building a strong family. As queer folks we create our own families of choice, but that can take time. I think it would be a good idea to work on your support system before becoming a parent. I'm not sure where you are but there are groups for queer parents that offer ways to meet other parents and parents-to-be. You should look for that. There are lots of wonderful people to talk with here as well.
Being a single parent is really tough. You don't get a break. You have to do everything. Having a newborn is really hard even if you have a partner, especially the first year. And parents who don't have good support are at a higher risk for postpartum depression.
Second, I would look more closely at your reasons for wanting to become a parent now. In time, children are great fun to be with and they adore their parents, but at the beginning they are mostly work and they can't really give back the love and support we give them. I don't believe children are meant to be our friends. If you want to be a parent to have a family who loves you and understands you and to keep you from being lonely, that might not be the best reason. I hope that makes some sense. I'm not saying that's why you want to do it, I don't know you well enough, but I would just want you to think about that.
You may feel like you don't fit in now and like people don't understand you but there are lots of people out there like you and lots of them are parents. I would encourage you to find your tribe and find where you fit in before having children. It will make your life better and easier. :smile:That's just my opinion though.

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I can relate to wanting a family from a young age. Even with so many other changes in my life, the desire to raise a child was always consistent. However, the reasons why I wanted a child did shift somewhat over time, for the better I think. Early on, I too felt like having a child and my "own" family would give me the validation that I didn't fell I was getting from my family of origin and the world at large. I worked through some tough personal issues to realize that having a child needed to be first and foremost about what I could give and provide for the child rather than what I would receive.

As the previous poster noted, babies are a lot of work! Despite spending years being a good auntie to my nieces and nephews, babysitting for friends, and taking every opportunity i could to spend time around infants, I was totally and completely overwhelmed when my son was born. Add on top of that being a queer single parent by choice with almost no support network.... it was really really REALLY hard.... and I am 40 with a good career and a stable income, and it was still really really REALLY hard.

That said, I would do it again in a heartbeat, though I'd make sure to develop a solid support network ahead of time. My son is 18 months old now and I'm just now starting to be able to breathe and to have some time to myself. Parenting him has been the most amazing and rewarding experience of my life. But it's impossible to do it all completely alone. Everything from recovering from childbirth to dealing with illnesses means having a person or two (or more) who can help out. It really does take a village, so maybe take some time to start finding or building that community.

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1,725 Posts
It sounds like you're doing this for all the wrong reasons, honestly. I'm not sure when you came out, but it sounds like you've lost a lot of your support and family and now you want to build your own from scratch. I understand that feeling, but a baby is not the way to do that. A lot of people do have children in an attempt to patch up holes- it doesn't really work. It could only serve to make you feel even lonelier and more abandoned. You'd be amazed at just how alone you can feel with a baby in your arms.

Having a baby to fill the holes left by your parents is dangerous. It doesn't set you up to be the best parent you can be. It puts undo pressure on a tiny human. It can set you up for disaster if your child doesn't live up to your expectations. Your child may not be "your people". Children grow up to defy their parents all the time. Even if your child does grow up to be your people, if you put too much pressure on your child- it can impede them. I've seen a few instances of adults who feel deep obligation to their parents that stops them from living their own life.

You talk a lot about the starry eyed idyllic view of parenthood, but you're not talking about how you'll handle it when it's 3 am, you've got spit-up in your hair, your baby won't stop crying, and you need to be at work in 4 hours.

2015 can be your year to create your own family of your own people- but you don't need to have a baby to do it. Chosen families are practically the hallmark of the queer community. You don't need a big group of friends, the ones who stayed are your true friends- strengthen those bonds.

On the more practical front- Look, I'm 24. I'm non-binary. I had a baby when I was 22. So I'm not coming from some high-and-mighty old "When I was your age..." crap. I practically am your age. I basically went through a lot of what you're going to go through and if I knew it all and had to go back and do it again, I would've waited. I would've waited until I was established in a job and had the ground under my feet. I love my toddler to bits, but having him when we did made things SO much harder than they should have been.

This is hard. All of it. Conception (okay, conception wasn't hard for us- but you're not going the easy route). Pregnancy. Newborns. If you had a strong support system, even just one person you could fully rely on, it'd be one thing- but it's going to be incredibly difficult if you're on your own. I had DP, but we basically had no support network and it was hard as hell. Still is. Now, yeah, you can find support online and it's great that you're starting now- but it's not the same. Internet friends can't come over at 3 am, take the crying baby and send you to bed because you clearly need the break.

Even if you watched your parents raise a newborn, even if you helped a close friend raise theirs, you won't be prepared for how hard actually being a parent is.

You're about to finish your education- have you got a job lined up? Are you going to have health insurance? Will it cover what you need/want it to cover? Paid _aternity leave? Will you make enough to cover daycare? Are you in a state that has good social services so that if the job falls through (which it could for anyone) you'll have a safety net? DP and I were incredibly stupid and thought that at least one of us would get a good job after graduation- guess what, we didn't. It's only through our family's support that we aren't living on the street right now.

Being trans also can throw a monkey wrench in it. Are you fine with presenting as female throughout all of this? Are you prepared to have to explain being trans, alone, to every single medical professional you face? How's your dysphoria? Even if you're happy for it to happen, that doesn't mean you won't have low periods where your dysphoria kicks up- if you have to weather that alone, it'll be a lot harder. You say half your family sees you as a guy- are you prepared for that to stop? ILs saw me as a man just fine before I got pregnant, now I'm DP's "wife". You also may lose even more people.

No one's telling you not to- but make sure you go into this with your eyes wide open.
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