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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hey. I am not a mom of teenagers. I have 3 kids under 7. I am the oldest of 4 kids in my family. The brother I am speaking of here is 15. I am 11 years older than him. I moved out and got married when he was 7. About 2 years ago I found out that he was cutting his wrists. I tried talking to him, my other brother, sis, my dh and I all brought it to my mom's attention, but she refused to talk about it at first, and then got mad for us talking about it anyway, and then seemed to be trying to deal with it, but nothing helped.

He seemed to be doing a little better in the past 4 months or so. Not as much evidence of cutting. His antisocial and extremely RUDE/threatening (for lack of a better term, although that doesn't begin to describe the things he has said) behavior has seemed to slow a little. We really thought maybe he was growing out of this.

Sunday night he and my parents had a sort of a confrontation.

The next day they all went on like everything was normal. This isn't the first time this has happened. later that afternoon my mom walked down the hall and found him in the shower with the door open and he had cut his throat. she called 911 and they came and took him to the ER. he is ok, he didn't really lose much blood as the cut wasn't really very deep, but they did admit him and said they plan to keep him for about a week. The dr. says that he won't talk at all, so there isn't really much they can do to help him. he told mom at visitation though that "next time he will do it right."


My other brother told me that they are wanting to go ahead and put him on some medication, though i don't know what kind. My mom isn't ready to do that though. She keeps telling me that she will call me and let me know what's going on, but then she never does. It is really frustrating. I went to the ER with them and stayed for about 5 hours mon night, but she wouldn't have even told me what was going on i think. other bro called me and told me. they didn't call my younger sis either (who LIVES with them!
) until she called them and asked where everybody was. Mom called him and told him because for some reason he seems to be her go-to person when she gets to overwhelmed and needs to tell people things that she won't tell anyone.

I really don't know what to do here. I feel responsible for making sure that she doesn't just sweep everything under the rug again, but at the same time, I have already gone through so much with L.B. that I am tired of fighting here and sometimes feel like i would rather just be done with both of them and let them lie in the bed they have made for themselves.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
probably not. He has been refusing to talk about it for 2 years now. To anyone.

Also, my mom went home from the hospital and cleaned out his room and threw away all his gothic/death/porn crap books and videos and a lot of his clothes and stuff. She went to see him last night and he was saying "yeah, we are supposed to have a meeting friday about me coming home" and she said "well, yeah. And there are some things you need to know about that." and she told him that she had cleaned out his room and that when he comes home it is going to be different from now on. That she is going to make rules, and he will have to follow them, that he will not be allowed to bring into the house the kind of stuff he has been into anymore. He flipped out and said he wanted to kill her and dad, and that he hated them. Then he stopped talking again except to insult and say ugly things.

So she say's he isn't coming home fri. If he doesn't shape up soon he will have to go somewhere else when he leaves the hospital because they can only keep him there for up to 2 weeks. Bringing him home in this shape seems really really dangerous not just for him, but for everyone. My sis has been sleeping with the door locked EVERY night for over a year now because of him. I (and my 3 kids and husband) was staying with them while we were getting our house ready to move into and I moved out even with no running water or power because of him attacking my mom and she refused to admit it happened.
 

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No advice, just
. I grew up with a severely unstable, incredibly scary brother who was about my age, and it was really really difficult. To this day whenever I see stories from the Detroit area about a family gunned down in their home, I have to watch and make sure it's not him. It's really difficult for everyone to deal with (including, I'm sure, my brother).

I wanted to recommend a book called "The Normal One" for you and your siblings. It can be very traumatic to grow up in that situation (and I know you're older, but you've definitely been around it first hand; and especially for your sister) and this book really helped me understand the feelings and issues *I* had because of how I grew up.
Take care of yourself and your family first. It sounds like your mom is finally seeing the light. You and you're family are definitely in my thoughts.
 

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Hi,
My younger brother (i was oldest of 7) killed himself 2 years ago. He attempted 1 time previous and then 2 weeks later hung himself. I also moved away and got married when he was near the age of your brother, mine was 8; he was 19 when he killed himself. I also did not know what was going on, my mom would not talk about it, all I knew was that he was a little reclusive and depressed, which actually had been going on for awhile. I also had encouraged encouraged my mom in the past when I visited to get him into treatment or meds. She did not want to talk about it at all, and I guess thought that he could handle it or that she could talk with him and it was enough. She would not consider medication either....Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming, because I also did not do anything. I don't know if it is that generation's fear of stigma or what the denial is about. So, in essence your story really reminds me of mine.
Since this happened, I know hindsight is 20/20, also that if people want to kill themselves, they will. I have also found people who have loved ones who have done this despite much help and medication. But, if I were you (and I think of my situation 2 years ago) please fly there, drive there, whatever you have to do, and get him into treatment, and try some meds, they can start working really fast--who cares what your mom says, tell her he needs this now! If she hates you for overstepping boundaries, who cares, you will be helping him, and she will forgive you eventually. Can you all forgive yourselves if you do nothing? If he says he will do it right next time, believe him.
 

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This sounds like it is so hard on all of you.

I agree that someone needs to tell them that he said he would do it right next time and that he threatened your parents. That would qualify as a danger to himself and others.

This will sound bad, but I will say it anyway...can your mom have him committed until he is doing better if it is for his own and their protection?

It sounds like he needs help now.

I have never understood the two week thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
well, update.

she brought him home anyway on the 24th. the dr. released him because she refused to put him on meds. I can't really say i disagree completely with the med decision since he is only 15 and all the research i have done says that there are no safe antidepressants for teenagers. I was very upset at first about this decision, and i am still refusing to take my kids to anywhere where he is. I don't mind going to see him myself, but he won't be around my kids until i am convinced he is more stable. Dad say's that he is doing better and seems to be trying. He asked to go out with dad and my uncle the other night, which is very unusual.

After seeing how mom is handling this whole situation, i am pretty convinced that there really is nothing i can do. I could overstep as many bounderies as I like, but the bottom line is that she is the one controlling this situation and I am not. If she messes up and he does something stupid and hurts her, or himself, I will really be sad, but I am going to have to let go of this.
 
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