[Greenie]

If your partner still has contact with their Ex, how do you feel about it? What are the boundaries?

My DH's ex girlfriend tries to contact him from time to time. She wrote him a message on MySpace.com (I know, it's so juvilille) and he added her to his friends list. I'm not normally this jealous of a person, but she tried breaking us up when we'd just moved in together. I'm very warry of this girl.. and don't want her trying to wedge herself into our life. Last time she called and came by our house all the time, tried keeping him on the phone for over an hour at a time, and invited herself into our social situations. I wrote her a message telling her to leave him alone, and that's that... It just made me wonder how other Mamas & Papas felt. TIA!

 

[Clarinet]

If she makes you uncomfortable, I think it's up to your husband to tell her to leave you guys alone. It doesn't sound like he's egging her on, but it also doesn't sound like he's trying to get any distance. I'd talk to him about deleting her from his myspace account and stopping further contact. Usually, I wouldn't advocate dropping friends because of your partner, but in this case there seems to be interference from her so I think it's respectful for your partner to request that she back off.

 

[mamachandi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sjkmaurice If she makes you uncomfortable, I think it's up to your husband to tell her to leave you guys alone. It doesn't sound like he's egging her on, but it also doesn't sound like he's trying to get any distance. I'd talk to him about deleting her from his myspace account and stopping further contact. Usually, I wouldn't advocate dropping friends because of your partner, but in this case there seems to be interference from her so I think it's respectful for your partner to request that she back off.

ITA he should try not to put himself in a "tempting" situation,if thats what it is

 

[Clarinet]

Oh, I get it. No. I'm not in touch with my exes, nor is my husband. Sorry!

 

[mamato2boys]

Oh yeah, I have this issue

My DP is still in contact with one Ex. It never really was an issue for me until she asked him if we had an open marriage. She claimed she wanted to know if he still found her attractive and if we had an open marriage perhaps they could "get together". I had no problem with her asking it, just an innocent Q as far as I was concerned...until she said, if they got together she didn't want him to tell me and she wouldn't tell her husband

: Ummm, how exactly is that an open marriage??? He told her that he wasn't interested and told me right away

I was a bit pissed for awhile. I completely trust my partner so I wasn't concerned, just mad at her for asking him to hide it from me. We didn't see her for a few years but are in contact with her again. She tries REALLY hard to be my friend now---ain't gonna happen

 

[autumn_faune]

We are still in contact with DHs ex-gf. She's a sweet girl, came and visited with a baby present after dd was born, was largely needing forgiveness for what she did to dh. Haven't seen her the last year or so, her new dh didn't like it. So I doubt we'll be seeing her much anymore- we'll not be disrespecting his wishes.
But there is no contact whatsoever, no way with my ex. that was an abusive relationship that ended in a rape and death threats. He doesn't know my new name or state, and I prefer it that way. I still hear about him occassionally, because my parents still live in the same town, but try not to.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

I have no issue with my Dh being in contact with his ex wife or girlfriends in general. If I felt he was neglecting his family or me by spending large amounts of his free time with them that could be an issue, but that could technically happen with anyone & would be about the time not specifically the person. I have taken my ex to coffee while my Dh stayed home with the kids.

I think people who do not want their partners/spouses contacting an ex are really afraid that they will be start up an intimate relationship again, and that is a matter of trust.

 

[Greenie]

Well, I just found out that he lied to me. He said that she was added 'by accident' to his friend's list... And she sent one letter..

: Yeah, he was the one who initiated contact with her. And it's been going on for awhile...

:

We've got history with this girl. I don't so much have a problem with the other Exes, just this one. She tried breaking us up and all about 3 years ago.

But, I told her that he lied to me about her and that I'd appriciate it if she just didn't talk to him anymore. I also apologised for the misunderstanding..

So, those who are jealous and don't want them speaking, tell me about that.. For those who have contact with their ex, why? What do you get out of it?

Thanks!

:

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greenie So, those who are jealous and don't want them speaking, tell me about that.. For those who have contact with their ex, why? What do you get out of it?

I get a lot out of my friendship with my ex husband. He is funny and kind and interesting. We know each other well, and we can be silly and relaxed around each other. It's cool. I just got a letter from him today actually.

FWIW, someone can try all they want to break you up but only the two of you can let it happen.

 

[livinzoo]

I'm friends with my first serious boyfriend. We were together for over 4 years. We have known each other for over 12 years now. We live in different states but talk occasionally. We are a lot alike but would not work as a couple. We both know this and its really nice because we can be honest with each other about things. He'll call and ask me about some relationship issue they are having to get the female point of view. We were also each others main support when we lost a close relative each (my half-sister and his grandmother).

His fiance and my boyfriend don't like us talking and I don't know what is going to happen now.

Good luck with your situation!

 

[delicious]

i pushed for my dude to get on myspace so he could leave me comments.

so anyways, since he signed up, he has gotten tons of letters from ex girlfriends. it doesn't really bother me. i trust him. even if something were to happen (which is a long shot !!!!) i would probably be ok with it. lol.

 

[~PurityLake~]

This is just my opinion. If you want to stay in touch with an ex, because you have kids that's one thing. If you want to "be friends" with them, you shouldn't have had sex with them in the first place. If you just want a friend, why not find a new friend, who you haven't and don't want to have sex with.

I don't think being friends with an ex (someone you've had sex with and no kids with) is a good idea if you're remarried. Especially if the relationship you had was short or just about having sex. The time you spend bonding with the ex is time you could have spent bonding with your spouse. I think it takes away from your marriage.

I'm not friends with any of my ex's. I don't see the point. My husband is sometimes in contact with ex's, sometimes he initiates contact, sometimes they do (over instant messenger). At first I was very mad, but he was totally honest with me about their conversations. Mostly all they talk about is what's new in life. Juts pointless chit-chat, nothing personal.
However, there were two of his ex's who wanted to know why they broke up and did he miss them. The first one, he told her why it didn't and never would work out with her, and that he's married anyway so it doesn't even matter. The second one, obviously still infatuated with him, at least didn't ask why they broke up (she cheated on him). She has talked to me as well (on messenger) and she is very nice to me. She asked John if he missed her at all and he answered "tell u the truth i dont know cause im not the same person as back then. i have been through more since ive been home and have changed too. if i was the same person now as i was back then i might but we havent talked for a long time. as the person i am now i miss talking to u as a friend and hope we still can talk. as for anything else i am happy were i am and dont want anything else"
I think that was a good answer. She seems to have backed off since he said that.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abi's Mom If you want to "be friends" with them, you shouldn't have had sex with them in the first place. If you just want a friend, why not find a new friend, who you haven't and don't want to have sex with.

1. Why would sex make friendship impossible? 2. Who says that being friends with an ex means you want to have sex with them? I certainly do not want to have sex with my ex-husband and we are good friends.

Quote:

I think it takes away from your marriage.

I think having friends can add to my marriage because it adds to me.

 

[runes]

i know this is a rare situation but i actually love dh's ex-girlfriend. she is a wonderful person, they broke up on very amicable terms in a mature manner. she came to our wedding and was very excited about dd's birth. they still keep in contact every so often. we all work in the same career so i actually met her through a work context when dh and i were dating. i consider her a friend.

but part of the reason why i encourage dh's relationship with her is because i know what kind of person she is. she is as upstanding and kind as they get, and although i know she thinks very highly of dh and still cares for him...i don't get any vibes of it being in a romantic, pining way so there is no anxiety or jealousy on my part.

also, i'm not a jealous person by nature.

however, if i was picking up on weird cues and dh was lying to me about stuff, then i would definitely want dh to stop anything like what pp's have described.

 

[Amylcd]

My husband doesn't have an ex (i was his first and only girlfriend lol), but if he did have one, i would not be okay with him talking to them without me knowing about it.

 

[lilyka]

we don't really have any Exs except for the affair and for obvious reasons there is no chance in the world of them maintaing contact without him having another Ex.

but i doubt i would be comfortable with it. too much history. some things in life just need to be let go of. perhaps that is one of the reasons we were so careful with who we dated because deep dowbn, even as kids, we knew that there would be no keeping friends with Exs.

 

[~PurityLake~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa I think having friends can add to my marriage because it adds to me.

To requote myself: "The time you spend bonding with the ex is time you could have spent bonding with your spouse. I think it takes away from your marriage."
and
"If you just want a friend, why not find a new friend, who you haven't and don't want to have sex with."

I never suggested not having friends. My husband and I have friends, both male and female.

plus, I didn't post my opinion because I wish to argue with anyone. Opinions were asked for. I posted to express my opinion. That is all.

 

[lilyka]

I am with you abi.

 

[Eli's_mommy]

Me too. Of course I am a jealous person by nature. We don't talk to exes.

 

[phathui5]

Dh doesn't talk to any of his exes, except for one that we occasionally see at church. I don't talk to any of mine. I honestly don't feel a need for close male friends now that I'm married though.