[Bena]

Well after 9 months of no ovulation or AF and all the typical fertility tests, vitex, accupuncture, herbal tea and relaxation, meditation, visualisation and yoga I could handle, I now have a clomid prescription in my hand.

My husband is happy, because to him, we finally have a way to conceive (he is a biopharmaceutical researcher and has complete faith in medical and pharmaceuticals) and can't wait to start.

I, on the other hand, can't figure out how I'm feeling. I can't shake off the feeling that this is "cheating". The rational part of me knows that this is absurd. Medication is not cheating. But the feeling and emotion of guilt is so strong! I also realise I have to mourn the "spontaneous" pregnancy I always believed I have...the plan was for us to stop birth control and see what happens. A baby would be a happy and seredipitous surprise. But now, everything feels so controlled and unnatural to me, and ironically, in that control, I feel even less in control of my life!!!

I can't get my husband to understand these feelings. Last night, when I talked about it, I know he was trying, but he is a Mr. Fix-it, and I could tell he just didn't get it!!

I want to hear about your feelings and emotions starting clomid, or any other ART for that matter.

 

[DaisyMae08]

I wanted it to be spontaneous too. But after a year of trying, nothing was spontaneous anymore anyway. Once I had all my testing and saw the RE and put together a plan - which for me was Clomid and IUI - I was actually very excited to get started and couldn't wait to start taking the pills. I felt like I was moving forward and taking action. I finally had hope again.

 

[ErikaG]

I had to give myself a lot of space to grieve...we're a multi-fertility-issues family (PCOS, hypothyroid and short luteal phase plus low sperm count) and so the chances of us actually getting pregnant on our own were pretty slim...and knowing that that didn't make it any easier.

In my own journal, when writing about filling my Clomid prescription I wrote, "I'm not happy about it. I'm not pleased, and I'm not excited and I have oh-so-very-little-faith in it actually having any benefit. And that sounds self-sabotaging, but the more involved we get in fertility related stuff, the harder I find it. While some people are concerned with the medicalization of pregnancy and birth, personally, I can cope with that far better than I can cope with the medicalization of the process of getting pregnant. It's a very personal thing for me, and I understand why people are concerned with pregnancy and birth becoming a medical experience."

We're in the early stages of trying for another baby. We'll try for a few months on our own, we'll probably add acupuncture to the routine in January (I'd start now but it makes more sense in terms of our health insurance) and if that doesn't work in a few months, we'll go back for more Clomid. It's not just the drugs...I was sad about that, because I felt like my body had failed me...though I admit that the milk supply issues were even more heartbreaking. I could babble about the whole thing for hours...but it's hard. It's hard on you physically and emotionally when you feel like you have to have sex on a schedule (every other night whether you want to or not) and when you're trying to make sure that everything is aligned right and waiting to see what will happen, wondering what every twinge means. And it's killing me that one of my friends who didn't want to be pregnant right now just got pregnant accidentally while using a reliable form of contraception.

But you know...all the anguish over the low-level intervention went away. It started to fade when I got the positive pregnancy test and it's far from my mind as I look at and care for my daughter, who wouldn't be here without that.

 

[lifeguard]

You know I was pretty convinced it was pointless. I had accepted after 6 years of ttc that it was not going to happen & just felt like I had to go through the motions. At the same time it was interesting to be doing something that felt like it could be productive.

 

[songbird45]

I had to grieve what my body could not do before I could really be happy about what medication could do. I felt broken and less of a woman, and weirdly, less attractive. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for being "broken". But in the end, well, I wanted a baby. Give yourself time to work through all these feelings, and remember, it's not your fault.