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Discussion Starter #1
What do you consider to be some of the most important aspects in a potential life long companion? I have posted about being in a small, conservative town which leaves me to believe that I *need* to re-consider what I see as my top ten list! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
So, of course, the potential person would have to be caring, giving, etc but what about view points? I just want to know how you view these things. What if the person has much passion, but it is not your passion?<br><br>
Now, I am not even sure what I would list as my 'top ten'. Divorce has me super-confused! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
HELP!
 

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Hmmm, not sure I can come up with 10 but here goes....<br><br>
He would have to be supportive of my natural way of living and parenting (not vaxing, not circing, co-sleeping, BF, CD, slinging, natural cleaning products, GD, and more)<br><br>
He would have to view children the same way that I do: As a member of society just as anyone else is, and they deserve the same amount of respect.<br><br>
He would have to care about the earth. I am a recycler and couldn't see myself with a "waster" or someone who didn't give a damn about our planet.<br><br>
He would have to not support George Bush <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
He would have to care for my son and respect our mother-child bond and not do anything to damage that.<br><br>
He would have to like cats (I have two).<br><br>
I'm pretty picky <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I've thought about this long and hard and I came up with a list that is a bit more than "ten" and is probably unrealistic, but here are some of the more important things I'll be looking for if/when I ever have the opportunity to look for a life long partner:<br><br>
1. Strong paternal instincts. I'd kinda like the person to be a father already - a good father with a great relationship with his child(ren). A strong authority figure who is compasionate.<br><br>
2. Hard working. I don't really care in what industry or the amount of salary, but none of this laziness stuff will do. I work hard, and my partner needs to have good (ok, excellent) work ethic.<br><br>
3. Educated. Once again, I don't really care how education was attained, but ignorance is not bliss in my book by any stretch of the imagination.<br><br>
4. Passionate. I don't mind too much about <i>what</i> (within reason of course) but I am passionate about books, music, art, children, health... He can bring his passions into the picture and we can share what we have in common and expand out horizons in what we don't have in common.<br><br>
5. Morally inclined. Blatant and unesissary profanity offends me and isn't good for children (imho). I would need someone to be faithful. No exessive drinking. You get the picture, I'm sure.<br><br>
I could go on and on.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah">
 

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1. Must love kids (mine especially)<br>
2. Must be spiritual (not religious but has a sense of spirituality)<br>
3. Must know/have a good idea about who is he, where he's headed - be secure with himself<br>
4. Loves life<br>
5. Family is his priority<br>
6. Intelligent & loves to converse (especially with me...I didn't pick the name MsChatsAlot for no reason)<br>
7. Must be tolerant/open minded<br>
8. Must be honest<br>
9. Must be loving & kind<br>
10. Must be able to laugh, love & enjoy life to the fullest
 

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Wow. This thread seems very cleansing and clairifying to me mainly b/c I am in a relationship where I'm not getting what I need as a womyn or as a mother and feel my son is missing out on a father in some aspects as well, but I don't know what I do want and need. So here goes:<br>
**In no particular order**<br>
1. Needs to be a crunchy guy: Into the earth,accepting of people's beliefs, vegetarian, freespirit, loving, animal lover, respectfull to womyn(extra points for a male feminist!), peacefull- ya get my drift<br>
2. Should probably have kids or want kids<br>
3. Respect me and my son and my son's father/son's relationship with father<br>
4. Be into my style of parenting: AP,NFL,homebirth etc<br>
5. Be cool with my profession (midwife to be)<br>
6.Have a sense of humor<br>
7. Be honest<br>
8. Lover of life, no pessimist for me anymore! A Carpe Diem kinda guy as well<br>
9. A good lover, a confidant lover (sexy hairt men with dreadlocks get LOTS of stars!)<br>
10. A fun guy always up for new things and being adventurous<br>
Oh! And he doesn't have to be young (in fact, he probably will need to be older than me by at least 5 years), but to be respectfull of my age.<br>
***Does any one feel like they were writing a personal add? I felt like I should've added "Likes long walks on beach, champagne at midnight, and talking all night long!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Discussion Starter #6
hilarious posts, ladies! This is beneficial. I have another question - what about instant energy in terms of attraction? If it is not there on day one, can it grow? or develop?<br><br>
I am still physically attracted to the guy I was seeing (NOT XH, yuck!) but do not feel that towards all men.<br><br>
And I am still sort of hung up on what is 'most important' and of course no one can answer this for me, but I want to know where everyone else stands.
 

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After two marriages over the last 30 years, the last one ending three months ago, I have certainly revised my list of priorities. I believe we can be physically attracted to almost anyone, chemistry is a mysterious thing. Whether you can ever be friends with that person or want to share a lifetime with them is another matter entirely and is a matter of time. I think it takes around two years of friendship to know if he is "Mr Right". Most women would think I was crazy I guess, but that's what I truly believe. I married my last husband after nine months. We were married three and a half years. It was a mistake from the beginning but I didn't want to see it. He had a long and colourful history of unfaithfulness and disrespect for women but I believed he would be different with me. I believed if I loved him enough (how much is enough?) and took care of him (had lots of sex) we would be happy and he would be faithful. WRONG! Men do not change UNLESS they have a life changing spiritual experience and truly want to. Without shame about their past behaviour, there can be no change. Any pretense is temporary. Look at their behaviour and don't just listen to their words. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity!<br><br>
Here is my latest list:<br><br>
1. he must have integrity and good character evidenced by a long history of honesty, respect, faithfulness and healthy attitudes to women! Most men never change so they have to be lovable just the way they are! (if he never changed, would he still look like a good prospect?)<br><br>
2. he must have a sense of humour and not be sarcastic or disrespectful to anyone, must not look down on others or see himself as "superior" in any way. Must not use humour to hurt people or humiliate anyone.<br><br>
3. Must treat me like a princess, pursue me and be a best friend to me. Must want to protect me and cherish me and think I am the best thing that ever happened to him! Must treat me with respect and dignity as his equal.<br><br>
4. Must show respect for me and my opinions and beliefs and have Christian convictions of his own.(not be religious, I mean he needs to have beliefs of his own that he will live by and honour. I don't want a sycophant, someone who pretends to believe everything I do! Ahhhhhhh)<br><br>
5. all else is negotiable and I have no interest in watching/playing sport, fishing, car racing, talking about the technical side of computers or cars, drug or alcohol abuse, pornography, soap operas on TV, racial or religious discrimination, anti Christian behaviour, anti George Bush behaviour, or any extreme behaviour. I love meat and always will! I love cats and dogs and will always have at least one of each. (men who hate animals are never a good "prospect", trust me!) Other than that I am faithful and committed for life and guarantee to be a loving partner and good companion in every way. I deserve the best, and next time (if there is one) I will make sure I get it!<br><br>
love to all
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>green</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have another question - what about instant energy in terms of attraction? If it is not there on day one, can it grow? or develop?</div>
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Well, for me, there needs to be a certain thing, it's probably more an interest rather than an attraction and it needs to be there initially or I wouldn't even pursue a conversation.<br><br>
I have found that as I get to know a person, I develop an attraction or become dis-attracted. I've met some beautiful men who when we started to have "real" conversations, became instant turn-offs. No chemistry and suddenly didn't look very attractive to me anymore. Likewise, I've had friends that after getting to know one another suddenly become really attractive and lots of chemistry.<br><br>
There has to be something there for me. I know that being a great friend but having no chemistry is not enough for me in a relationship. I definitely want someone with whom I feel a deep connection and with that connection, comes chemistry.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsChatsAlot</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, for me, there needs to be a certain thing, it's probably more an interest rather than an attraction and it needs to be there initially or I wouldn't even pursue a conversation.<br><br>
I have found that as I get to know a person, I develop an attraction or become dis-attracted. I've met some beautiful men who when we started to have "real" conversations, became instant turn-offs. No chemistry and suddenly didn't look very attractive to me anymore. Likewise, I've had friends that after getting to know one another suddenly become really attractive and lots of chemistry.<br><br>
There has to be something there for me. I know that being a great friend but having no chemistry is not enough for me in a relationship. I definitely want someone with whom I feel a deep connection and with that connection, comes chemistry.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: I could have written this wow but with spelling errors <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
My top 11 in no order<br><br>
1) Would have to love my Ds (of course)<br>
2)have a sense of humor and can be silly<br>
3)Be RESPECTFUL (can you tell that is a big one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> )<br>
4)Have passion for life and what it can offer you if you truely want it<br>
5)be sensitive but not overly sensitive<br>
6)want the same things out of life as me<br>
7)Be open to my way of parenting with NO exceptions at all or else it would never work out<br>
8)Can talk about nothing I love to talk<br>
9)knows when to be serious and when not to be that I think is real important because it helps in hard times<br>
10)someone who is confident in themselves but not stuck on themself<br>
11) is not LAZY ahhh I hate lazy guys <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hammer.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hammer"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hammer.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hammer"><br><br>
Typeing this really made me see that my friend John is every single one of wants (demands <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) wow!<br><br>
Karen and Baby Joe
 

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I luv reading all of these <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br><br>
1~ earthy, recycles, respects our planet, loves to be out in nature<br><br>
2~ aware of the food he is eating and how it effects the planet and his body<br><br>
3~ spiritual not religious, uses affirmations and is in general a positive optimistic person, secure and confident<br><br>
4~ thinks for himself...follows his passions and not materialistic or focused on money<br><br>
5~ respects woman and loves children...has child(ren) and is a committed loving father and also has a positive relationship with his child(ren)s mother.<br><br>
6~ family is very important<br><br>
7~ interested in or practices tantra<br><br>
8~ likes people, open~minded and communicates well<br><br>
9~ treats me like a queen, protects and adores me.<br><br>
10~ knows how and loves to build, create and fix things...not lazy
 

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and since so many of you ladies have made such wonderful proposals, I'll steal and add! In no particular order:<br><br>
1) conscious of self, environment, and relationships<br>
2) respectful<br>
3) if he has children (which I'd almost not prefer, as I'd be distrustful of how his previous relationship ended)...must have done similar parenting, put his children first, sacrifice for them, meet his obligations to them, have a respectful relationship with his ex<br>
4) Hardworking, ambitious (not to be rich, famous, etc., but makes realistic plans and follows through with them)<br>
5) creative, crafty, respects my creativity<br>
6) spiritual, accepting of others, trying to follow a somewhat coherent belief system, hopefully not much negative karma <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> and definitely pacifist/earthy perhaps Christian beliefs<br>
7) Does NOT put me on a pedastal, but accepts me for who I truly am. Honest about all my faults and accepts them.<br>
8) I'd have to like his family, particularly his father. I didn't believe my grandma all the times she told me, but now I accept: you don't marry the man, you marry the family. If I don't like what his parents are and how their relationship is, I probably won't like him in a few years.<br>
9) Chemistry, intimacy, worships at my temple so to speak <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> but also respectful of my past and needs and willing to take the relationship at my pace<br>
10) Thoughtful, caring, intellectual, has passions<br>
11) Willing to be adventerous, likes to travel<br>
12) accepts my parenting relationship as primary, accepts my parenting choices, willing to learn about why I've made them (and not just blindly follow, but actively understand the benefits)<br>
13) supports my career choices and not just taking advantage of me as a hard worker with a bright future (if I may say so...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> It's sort of a big concern of mine. I don't want "law student" to be a turn on or turn off for anyone...and I could see it being both)<br>
14) integrity, NO pornography, wants to work on communication skills<br>
15) ummm...long hair a bonus. I've always been attracted to long haired men, but so far never really in a relationship with one. Don't know how it jives with the image I project now (trying to slowly, gradually "professionalize" myself and becoming blander by the day, blah!)<br>
16) loves me, loves my children, sees them as beautiful wonderful beings<br>
17) can put up with my family and hopefully get along with them, never ever disrespectful of them (we've got issues, but their ours, not outsiders)<br><br>
Umm, could I be more picky? I feel like it will never happen! But then again, when am I going to meet anyone anyway? Honestly, I kinda wish my old 13yo flame was back in my life, we're still in touch and there's still chemistry, and in a lot of ways I think we have so much going for us. But it's probably just a fear of the unknown thing, he lives in NY and although he's mentionned possibly moving back here, it's only a passing chance. Still, I can dream, and he's the object of a lot of my lust, funny huh? I still sometimes look at the love letters he wrote me and remember the passions of youth... And he was the best lover I've ever had, and worked at it (we weren't 13 then! It was a later reunion.)
 

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Jster- You so just posted an ad for my current SO, long hair and all! *lol* I'm even headed to law school in 2 years <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Wow...that's kinda weird! Oh, and those are pretty much the things i look for. Except the Christian thing...must not be Christian, Catholic, etc...one god/several gods and goddesses doesn't normally jive well in a relationship.
 

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Kerri- I don't know why I never noticed this before but I LOVE your baby's name! Currently one of my older sisters and I are duking it out for the name Olivia <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> If my DS was a girl he would probably have been Olivia Rose. Or Bella Rose. I love Rose for a middle name.<br><br>
Back to your regularly scheduled chatting.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut">
 

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I <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat"> this thread!<br><br>
The more I read the more I think that I have found the right guy. I have to remind myself of that now and then, but it's for superficial reasons that I doubted him. For instance, he does dorky things like karaoke and shout at football games, and it used to totally turn my off. Here's my list, and then I'll point out the ones which he possesses and you'll see why I need to let the little things like that slide:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">1. Loves children and bonds well with them.<br>
2. Willing to always work at a relationship maturely and has had relationship experience.<br>
3. Trusts me as a mother and is open to my eccentric parenting style.<br>
4. Makes me laugh (has a sense of humor) and is smart and witty. This is a MUST.<br>
5. Is decent with money and work. I am good with money, but I am not a bank and don't like being treated like one or like a financial advisor either (this was the case with baby~daddy). Must have these skills present.<br>
6. Has a good sense of family and finds family to be important.<br>
7. Is self-assured, confident in who he is, and not co-dependent or clingy.<br>
8. Be a crunchy person.<br>
9. Is passionate about things, even if they aren't the same as mine. We can share the things that make us individual, or at least accept them and nurture them.<br>
10. Is willing to be a work in progress - growing together spiritually, intellectually and health-wise.</td>
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When it comes to the guy I already have:<br>
1. He ADORES children. I saw him interact with his nieces and nephews one day and almost cried it was so cute. He is the one they always play "monkey pile" with<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br>
2. He's six years older than I am, and is very wise when it comes to relationships. No head games here<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br>
3. He comes from a very mainstream family, yet is quite open to my different views about parenting. Of course, dd is not his daughter so he may feel that he HAS to do things my way, but at the same time he sees that they work well for us and I try to involve him and his ideas as much as I can.<br>
4. This guy is seriously the funniest person I know (besides me<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">) It's the first thing I noticed about him, and the thing I think I love the most.<br>
5. Brian has a good job, is very serious about being there on time and doing things in an ethical and proper way. He doesn't blow money when he can't afford to, but he likes to spend it's often on me<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br>
6. His family is his life. In fact, he has few friends but considers his family his "true" friends. At first, I thought it was kind of wierd. But now I realize that this is important, since family is forever.<br>
7. I've dated co-dependent men before. They were needy for emotional and financial purposes, and needed their egos stroked more than humanly possible. Brian is the exact opposite.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br>
8. Typically I would prefer to find a man as crunchy as I am. I knew that Brian was not, but all the things above kind of had me in a trance <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> But I came to realize that he was very open minded to things I am passionate about. I got him to visit the chiropractor for his back problems and even got him to do a full-body herbal cleanse (he was way backed up)! So at least I know there's room for change<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br>
9. So we don't have the crunchy things in common so much. But he sure is a passionate guy. He wrote the book <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">(our little joke) on darts, billiards, cards, disc golf, you name it. And that is helpful for me since it's improved my game in just about everything. And from me he learns how to be a successful parent, and all that jazz. And how to look at the world with an artist's eye. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
10. From all I've said above, I'm sure it's obvious that this is the case with us.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Originally Posted by <b>green</b>
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I have another question - what about instant energy in terms of attraction? If it is not there on day one, can it grow? or develop?</td>
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Apparently yes it can, because I had no romantic feelings about Brian at all at first. We were friends for years before we started dating, and I certainly didn't initiate anything. As I said, I have let go of a lot of superficial things that I thought were important to me and am concentrating on the most important things. Most of which, by the way, HE showed to me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb"> I mean, the reasons that I even game him a chance to begin with were and are the most important. And those are the ones above<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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ok here is my situation. a lot of qualities u have listed and stuff i want i had already found it in my ex. for instance he is the favourite uncle whereever he goes. children just gravitate to him. but when it comes to his own and the responsibility - its a whole different thing. i have laid in bed hugging my dd and thinking of what kind of guy i want. and when i list the qualities i found my ex had almost 90% of them. just a couple of really bad ones and that broke us up.<br><br>
and i have always told myself - its either my soulmate or none. i like my own company and its ok if i never meet my dream man if he exists. i just dont want a repeat ever again. and our relationship being so perfect before midlife crisis hit has been v. hard to make my list.<br><br>
so instead of trying to figure out what qualities of man i want i think of all the little things i liked about men, fathers, uncles i have enjoyed in my life.<br><br>
one thing that LJ used to say which i realised was not so obvious is that he has to have the ability to put others before him - something my ex cannot do where a relationship is concerned but can with friends. so he has to love me - be crazily in love with me. u know like one of the moms siggy line here on MDC. u love him not because u can live with him, but that you cant live without him. he has got to feel the same way.<br><br>
some of my other visualisations is of my close friends dad. when he heard that the solar eclipse would be taking place on the weekend 200 miles away, he packed sleeping and awake children in the car after coming off from home to go see the eclipse. i was in middle school and i thought that was so neat. and they didnt have v. much money. but i remember my friends childhood being so much fun - in her words.<br><br>
one of my granduncles had been happily married for over 60 years and even in a v. subtle way would make these little gestures to my aunt, just a tiny touch, smile that smoke volumes.<br><br>
some form of advocacy - whether they are in there full force or just on the rim. but it is a life long thing and they defend it whether anyone is looking or not. u know like recycling - always sorting it out.<br><br>
to have that twinkle in his eye, to be able to be a little boy that my friends husband is. who was so excited after 30 years of marriage to be able to go for a vacation witout their teenage son. mom missed son, but dad was so glad he got her finally alone at last.<br><br>
u know all the others - smart, share similar philosophy, spiritualism... are there too.<br><br>
i figure if we have all of this and we both really want each other then everything else can be worked out.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsChatsAlot</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">1. Must love kids (mine especially)<br>
2. Must be spiritual (not religious but has a sense of spirituality)<br>
3. Must know/have a good idea about who is he, where he's headed - be secure with himself<br>
4. Loves life<br>
5. Family is his priority<br>
6. Intelligent & loves to converse (especially with me...I didn't pick the name MsChatsAlot for no reason)<br>
7. Must be tolerant/open minded<br>
8. Must be honest<br>
9. Must be loving & kind<br>
10. Must be able to laugh, love & enjoy life to the fullest</div>
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I'll add to that...<br><br>
Must be sexually compatible<br><br>
Must accept you in all of your flaws
 

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Discussion Starter #17
There have been such excellent points raised in this thread. It makes it so much more clear that this obviously has to be considered individually. A 'top ten' list does begin to narrow things a bit, but really, the ability to 'handle' a relationship is really what is important, but with that comes respect, honesty, openness, maturity, giving as well as taking, a similar/same goal for the future = a solid base.<br><br>
I am an avid recylcer, non -'waster', and realize that I won't find someone like that here, but as long as they can accept me and I accept them, then that is a start.<br><br>
Also, the last guy I was seeing, seemed to have many qualities I thought were important, but my gut screamed at me those months (which I ignored!) and when I finally acknowledged my gut and acted on it, I felt 1000 times better.<br><br>
I will be moving at a much slower pace now. There is so much to learn! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Peace.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Peace"><br><br>
Thanks for all your help!
 

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Well, I've not found "the guy" yet, and honestly, at this point in my life I don't much care if I ever do. I've been told I'm too picky, and I probably am.<br><br>
1. Must not be clingy or controlling! Must have a life of his own, things he enjoys doing on his own. Most things we'll share, but some things we'll do solo. I don't want someone who insists on going along with everything I do and knowing everything I'm doing every minute of every single day, especially if it's something he's not really interested in.<br><br>
2. Must not be passive-aggressive. Must be able to express anger appropriately. I don't want to have to try and GUESS what he wants or what he's feeling, or why he is obviously angry but says he's fine. If he tells me all is OK, even if I know it isn't, I'm likely to take him at his word and go on about my business. No mind games.<br><br>
3. Must have a sense of humor, and understand mine. Must be able to laugh at himself when he makes mistakes, rather than get angry at himself, at least most of the time. Must be able to see the humor in life.<br><br>
4. Must be positive much of the time. If you expect the worst out of people, you'll get it!<br><br>
5. Must be reasonably intelligent and open to learning new things. Open-minded, flexible and tolerant. Willing to admit when he's wrong. Not racist or intolerant of differences.<br><br>
6. Must respect how I plan to parent my children, whether they're his kids or not. I'm open for compromise and discussion, but it has to be reasonable, not just "that's the way my mom did it and I'm fine!" or some such.<br><br>
7. Must treat me with respect.<br><br>
8. Must be good with money, because I'm not that great at it. Must not spend ungodly amounts of money on a hobby or collection then gripe about the cost of something I really want or need.<br><br>
9. Must understand that my family is important to me.<br><br>
10. Must want kids.<br><br>
You could sum almost ALL of my list up in one word - MATURITY. I want to raise a YOUNG baby, not a fully grown one!<br><br>
Reading back through this, much of it seems to be "Must not be my best friend's husband!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> I seem them almost daily, and while usually a nice guy, he's one of the most immature people I've ever met in my life. I've spent SO much time watching her spend hours at a time in tears trying to bring him out of a sulk and find out what's he's angry about - watching him take out his anger at himself on her and the other people around him - all usually while we're at an event HE wanted to attend, or doing something HE wanted to do. Having to buy her lunch because she never has any money, even though she has less expenses than me and makes the same amount, while he spends $800 - $1200 at a time on Star Wars collectibles then talks her out of buying the CD she wants - and he seriously cannot even SEE the hypocrisy of it. He's improved a lot over the years, but still, I can't imagine how she lives with him every day. I can't imagine having to walk on eggshells like that all the time. She's in some ways a lot like him though, so I guess that's how they work together.<br><br>
Yes, I really am WAY too picky.
 

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if you are picky than so am I !! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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i only have one.............he must worship me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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