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Discussion Starter #1
So today I ran into one of dd's preschool teachers at the bookstore cafe (We've had a lot of adventures there, no? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">). The teacher was sitting with her mother having coffee, recognized dd and called out to her. We went over to say hello. Teacher told her mother "Dd is the smartest child in her class, mother!"<br><br>
Okay, that wasn't the yucky part; I just had to throw that in <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/kissy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="kiss"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> .<br><br>
Anyway, the mother looks at dd, turns to me and says - as though dd isn't there or can't hear her - "when did you GET her?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
I was literally speechless at first. It sounded as though she was asking about a new car I was driving or a puppy I was holding. I finally stammered "we've been a FAMILY for a little over two years." She says "I know someone who adopted a child from China. It took them a long time and they had a lot of trouble."<br><br>
I just said goodbye and walked off at this point. Later the mother passed me in the book stacks, came over and whispered in this loud, exaggerated way "you know, my daughter has a <i>law</i> degree. You should consider yourself lucky that she is teaching your child." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: (As though that has any correlation with the skills and talents needed for teaching preschoolers anyway). So obviously she was just a clueless person who had no idea how to interact socially. But it just caught me off guard <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> .
 

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Yeah, the "when did you get her?" question is getting a little old for me too...my DD is almost 3 and has been home for about that long. Now that your DD is getting older, how do you think you will answer this question in the future? I haven't come up with a good response but I do like yours about being a family for such and such years. Also, what about the "where is she from question?". I would like to stop answering it myself but can never think of a good response.<br><br>
The law degree thing is just weird though and yes, she is defintely just clueless.<br><br>
Maggie
 

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Discussion Starter #4
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>m9m9m9</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7954904"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Now that your DD is getting older, how do you think you will answer this question in the future?</div>
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That's a good question. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't HAVE to answer every well meaning but nosy and inappropriate question that comes my way.<br><br>
Last week in school I was dropping off dd. I was crouched down kissing her goodbye and one of her classmates took hold of the locket on my neck and said "what's inside of this?" It has dd's referral picture and the picture of dh and I that we sent to China in our application. It's very special to both of us. I asked dd "Would you like to share that with so-and-so?" She was looking kind of wall eyed and said "No!" I took the locket and tucked it under my shirt and said "I'm sorry, but that's something private of dd's and you can't see it."<br><br>
It was just a dumb thing and I was only talking to a five year old, but it was a little step for me in terms of establishing boundaries for us.
 

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Aww... that sucks.<br>
I think that is really awful though really- like this woman could not have just asked her daughter any nosey questions after you had left and simply told you what a lovely dd you had. People are so inconsiderate and rude and just plain icky so much of the time.<br>
There is a lady in this group I go to who recently adopted from China and I hate how people talk to her... ugh.<br>
She likes talking to me though I think and I cringe when the only thing people want to tell her is their brother's sisters dog's aunts cousins who adopted got pg right after they adopted.....<br>
What do you say to that- Yah- I hope me too!!! That was our hope and wow- that would be so cool....<br>
WE could have our own!!! HOOOORAYYYY!<br>
It does seem to be like an elephant in the room and people just can't help but talk to her about the adoption instead of just treating her like a usual mom.... and then there also needs to be the concern that they keep telling her her dd needs to be left alone....( ugh) and they just don't get all that this little girl has been thru- let alone the family.....<br>
Your dd will just adjust and you all will have private laughs at others expense... and quite a few eye rolls.<br>
Others ignorance has never really injured me I do not believe... it was more my parents insensitivities and ignorance....<br>
So you still have the most power ya know.<br><br>
And you can vary your answers to whoever you want to.<br>
For ANY reason...<br>
Just an adoptees pov.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7958475"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...Just an adoptees pov...</div>
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Always appreciated; always welcome <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
Thanks so much...<br>
I am ultra emotional today....<br>
My dad always told me to "kill em with kindness"<br>
Smile Sweetly and say- Whatever do you mean?"<br>
Of course only if dd is not around cause you don't want to cause a scene...<br>
but no- your dd does not need to be the poster child for adoption everywhere she goes.<br>
International adoption carries so much compared to my adoption where I do look like my parents- or at least am the same race.<br>
Em
 

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I followed the link from the main page too...I just wanted to say that I like something I read in a newspaper advice column, when it comes to answering nosy/inappropriate questions in general: "Why do you ask?"<br><br>
It makes the questioner justify the question - and might make them realize how it could sound from the other side.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Doodadsmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7960443"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I followed the link from the main page too...I just wanted to say that I like something I read in a newspaper advice column, when it comes to answering nosy/inappropriate questions in general: "Why do you ask?"<br><br>
It makes the questioner justify the question - and might make them realize how it could sound from the other side.</div>
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ITA! Pretty certain that was Miss Manners. At least, it sounds like her.<br><br>
In a way, I envy the fact that people speak to your face, Blessed. In my circumstances, they say things about me and my children behind my back which I only find out about later. But it's the same sort of stuff: where and why and how they would do their family differently.<br><br>
Quite a few interactions that a-parents have had recently with the outside world have made me think of the Muslim saying that before a thought leaves your brain and travels out your mouth, it should pass through three gates: is it true?, is it fair?, and (most importantly) is it kind?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Doodadsmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7960443"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I followed the link from the main page too...I just wanted to say that I like something I read in a newspaper advice column, when it comes to answering nosy/inappropriate questions in general: "Why do you ask?"<br><br>
It makes the questioner justify the question - and might make them realize how it could sound from the other side.</div>
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You know, I've always liked this answer in theory, too.<br><br>
In reality though, when you ask them a question it just opens up the opportunity for them to say more stupid stuff. They happily answer "Why do I ask? Because my cousin's boyfriend's mom knew someone who adopted from China and that baby ended up retarded and on drugs. Is your baby retarded too? I guess she's too young for drugs yet, but you never know! What's YOUR name, little girl? (shouting) DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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lol. i hear you...<br>
I guess we can just figure they are not intending to be rude.... just ignorant.<br>
ugh.<br>
em
 

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Sorry to hear you experienced this. But if my experience and the experience of many biracial friends of mine are typical, you might have to get used to this and prepare your daughter.<br><br>
My mother has been asked many times when she "got" me. This is a bit hard to answer as I'm her biological daughter. But she's Irish, and I look more like my Japanese father. It continued all through my adolescence and even early 20s.<br><br>
I never found any malice or intentional rudeness in the question. It more came from ignorance and sheltered living. In time, my mom and I would just hug, laugh, and say we've been together forever. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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This sounds like another time that language fails us in talking about adoption. People don't mean to be rude. I just answer with positive terms and kind of parrot back what they say. "Got" turns into "came home" and so forth...
 

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Discussion Starter #14
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>VegHipMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7960692"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...made me think of the Muslim saying that before a thought leaves your brain and travels out your mouth, it should pass through three gates: is it true?, is it fair?, and (most importantly) is it kind?</div>
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I just thought this was great, btw. I didn't want it to slip by without comment, because it's really quite beautiful.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>blessed</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7954999"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That's a good question. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't HAVE to answer every well meaning but nosy and inappropriate question that comes my way.</div>
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You know, that's such a good point. I am going to have to start thinking about that when I am out in about. I hate when I get caught when I am in a hurry though bc I just want to give whatever answer will make the person hush and go away!<br><br>
Maggie
 

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Ugh! That's so stupid in this day and age, when there are so many biracial families!<br><br>
I have a friend who is very German looking...red hair, freckles, the whole nine yards. Her exH is Chinese. Her children don't even look blended...they look mostly Chinese.<br><br>
One time her ex came into town and attended church with the rest of the family, and later a woman in the congregation came up to my friend and said, "Oh, now I understand why your kids look that way." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
WTF?
 

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Good for you for drawing the boundaries, Blessed. Sometimes people are afraid to say 'no' to others' children. Your dd's privacy deserves respect.
 

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How thoughtless. Whenever someone comments on my DDs (both from Guatemala), I ALWAYS say they are my "Gifts from God". Hard to argue with that.<br><br>
But the one I like is, "Do they know they're adopted?" DUH! If they didn't know, they do NOW thanks to your rude comment.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Sandy
 

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Uh oh. I may have asked someone something similar-- I think something like, "How old was ___ when you adopted her?" (Not in front of her DD, though.) I did not know it was an offensive question. I asked my DH the same thing (DH was adopted).<br><br>
I know some people think my DC are adopted when they see just me with them. Frankly, I can see why. They look NOTHING like me. It used to bother me if people thought they were adopted, and then I realized-- WHY? It isn't a negative thing if someone is adopted, so who cares? If I take it as criticism or something to be offended by, then I am saying that adoption is offensive.<br><br>
What I see as a much bigger issue (in my case) is the race/ethnic issue . Too much focus on the THAT-- you know, 'cause if you aren't white then you are "ethnic." I hate that. I mean, seriously-- what does that even mean? If you aren't white, then you have to explain yourself. And if you appear to be white but your children do not, then you also owe everyone an explanation. A hairdresser asked my 5 yo DD, "Is Daddy dark? You look like you have a nice tan." And actually, my DD is about as pale as I am, and I am pretty darn pale, so I don't even know what she was talking about! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>blessed</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7954765"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Teacher told her mother "Dd is the smartest child in her class, mother!"<br></div>
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BTW, this is a sign that she isn't very professional! I am sure your DD IS the smartest, but a teacher has absolutely no business telling anyone that, be it her own mother, the student herself, or any parent!
 
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