I am hoping you get some responses on this as I am in exactly the same boat with my 4.5 year old and his siblings. I really feel sympathy for the fact that he has gone from being the only kid to one of four, but I can't cope with the aggression.

 

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP

Really need some new ideas, as mine are all almost all gone!

 

I have the same problem with my four year old and one year old. I swear every time I turn around she starts to cry and my ds has run off and says things like "she hit herself again", and I get so frustrated because when he thinks I am not looking he constantly harasses her, takes toys from her, grabs her clothes, pulls her down, etc.

I finally made it a rule that every time he did something to his sister he lost a toy, a GOOD toy. I got a plastic bin and put his name on it and inside I place a toy, I don't say a word, I just take the toy then come to his level and let him know that I won't tolerate him being mean to his sister, that the rules are:

1. you can't push, grab, wrestle or touch your sister in a mean way (I practice on him gently so he understands what the mean way is)
2. You can't take toys out of her hands
4. You can't chase her

In order for him to earn his toy back, he has to do something nice for her, help her get her favorite doll down, share his toys etc.

If he does something super aggressive, liek really push her or something, than he loses a toy, and has to sit in time out for a few minutes, this gives me time to help my dd out, calm her down, calm myself down and then we have the chat about the rules, etc.

The loss of his toy has helped, the bin is clear so he sees exactly what he has lost. It's not a perfect system, but hey, I can't do what I really want to do which is smack him upside the head, ha ha.

 

My kids are now 2 and nearly 5 -- and one bit of encouragement ... IT GETS MUCH BETTER!!!

That said, I found that in addition to being very clear about what ISN'T permitted (i.e. we don't hit, we don't grab), we provide just as clear and immediate alternatives about what IS permitted, along with verbalizing the struggle your DS is having.

Too, we found that at the stage your in with your two kids, it was really really important to have very consistent 1:1 time with older child so that he could feel fully held, responded to, etc. in a setting that was not about expecting him to be the bigger kid, etc. We also created a "no babies allowed" space for our DS - which was basically a tent in his room. We let him set ALL the rules in that space, except that he couldn't bring in food.

Ultimately, these two things were our way of communicating to our older child that he was still our loved, cherished child. And it gave us a way of "seeing him" in a light other than in relation to his younger sister. I was amazed to watch him become my young preschooler boy again in those spaces ... a combination of his relaxing and me "seeing" him differently when I wasn't being vigilant about his sister.

Becca

 

I really liked Naomi Aldort's article on siblings adjusting to each other and it helped with us. Her book was also of great help to me.

Also, I still need to let my 4yr old know that his sister is entitled to do as she pleases and I will be the one who let's her know if something isn't ok, he doesn't need to do that. I also need to occasionally remind him that she is allowed to play a game as she chooses, it doesn't need to be by his rules.

We have the same basic principles in this house too, so I focus on the expected safety/respect for others rather than a list of don't do's.

I spent a lot of time down on the floor and needed to talk ds (my eldest) through dialogue and work with them both when dd was 1 and he was 3. It seemed to pay off, but we are now getting challenges again that dd has just turned 3 and way more independent and some of the other methods we'd worked with are now needing tweaking, but it's work in progress no matter what you do lol.