I am sorry you're having such a rough time...

s...I don't have any advice or wisdom for you right now....but I hope it gets better for you soon...one thing that comes to mind is ppd....???

 

Your kids are NOT better off without you. Please be gentle with yourself. You sound just plain exhausted and overwhelmed. We all make mistakes, especially when we are stressed, exhuasted and sick. The good news is that kids are extremely resilient, and no damage to your relationship has to be permanent. You and your children can heal and get past the bumps in the road. You'll get through this.

Do you have any support?

 

I'm so sorry you're having a crappy time! Some days I think working part time is harder than working full time -- you have too much work to do in too little time, and you're being pulled in so many different directions that it can make your head spin

: . And I personally HATE this time of year up North (when is it just going to be Spring already?!!!). So, I'm definitely sympathizing with you (and you're pregnant on top of all that!).

Re: natural consequences, it seems like in this instance you were trying to not do anything until you JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, at which point you exploded. If it's been one of those days, try to take it easy on yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the day with everyone's feelings relatively intact. It's not about perfection, it's about doing the best you can when you're sleep deprived and pregnant and working and taking care of small children and it's STILL cold outside.

Tomorrow's another day...

 

Thanks for the support, mama's, much appreciated.

Yeah, I think ppd started rearing its ugly head in Nov '06. I'm lucky enough to be getting lots of professional help - they want me on meds though, don't want to do it with the pg, may not have much of a choice. I just started my homeopathic remedy yesterday, so have some hope....

I get support in sputs around here. You know how it is, everyone has their own lives and their own problems, including dh.

~Tracy

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wugmama What am I supposed to say to that, after I just did a lot more damage (probably permanent, beyond repair) to my dd with my unkind (yet sadly, authenitc) words?

I know you feel horrible about what you said. It is true that you can't take it back. You said it, she understood it, and she even responded to it. (quite cleverly I might add) You hurt her feelings.

But, you have NOT done irrepairable damage. This is not permamant. She just needs an authentic apology. Clearly she is a bright child. Most five year olds are able to understand that you said something mean, and you wish you hadn't and you have been feeling horrible about it. Then ask her if she will accept your apology. Invite her to spend some special time with you, and maybe you can talk about it a little more. Maybe she will be done talking about it. Maybe she will apologise to you for driving the bike in the house when you had already asked her to stop. (but don't ask her for an apology)

If the bike in the house incident comes up, you can tell her "We probably shouldn't have the bike in the house. Bikes are outside toys." It isn't her fault the bike was in the house.

There isn't much you can do to a child that you can't repair. Children are resiliant, loving and forgiving. But, be honest, and tell her you wish you hadn't said those words. If she knows how much they hurt you, she will be able to see how human you really are.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by jillc512 and it's STILL cold outside. ..

I keep forgetting it is cold outside there. It's been in the high 80s here. I guess it is hard NOT to loose your cool when you can't send them outside to ride a bike.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by sledg Your kids are NOT better off without you. Please be gentle with yourself. You sound just plain exhausted and overwhelmed. We all make mistakes, especially when we are stressed, exhuasted and sick. The good news is that kids are extremely resilient, and no damage to your relationship has to be permanent. You and your children can heal and get past the bumps in the road. You'll get through this. Do you have any support?

I agree with being gentle with yourself! I have lots of days when I could have written your post.

Maybe it would help if you figured out what your priorities are right now. I would suggest night weaning, that made a huge difference in my life when I was pg and nursing my 15 month old. I decided that while I thought it was important and beneficial, it was not enough so to make up for the fact that I was totally sleep deprived and screaming at my dd every day.

I also recently decided to stop using cloth diapers because it was driving me nuts to never be caught up on the laundry and to have to spend so much time doing it (I have two in diapers). I'm going to have to make it up to the environment later, but for right now, I needed one thing that could give, and I didn't want it to be our diet.

We can't do everything! It's hard to admit that, and it's hard to take responsibility for our limits. Especially when you're feeling depressed.

 

I think we all have "days like that" sometimes!

Would spanking have been less damaging than the words you used? Maybe, maybe not- but the important thing is that you did the best you could at the time, with the resources and energy and patience you had at the time.

You didn't do irrepararable damage to your DD. Talk to her. Explain that you weren't feeling well, you were stressed, you got angry very easily because of those things, and you said things you didn't mean, and you're very sorry you said them. Sometimes people say things they don't mean when they get very angry. Reasure her that you do love her, and that while you were angry at her behavior, nothing SHE did was worth being told those words. Make it clear that those words were caused 100% by your own issues, and not by anything that she or her baby sibling did.

Putting the bike in the garage is a natural consequence to not using it appropriately in the house- but it can feel like a punishment if you were already angry when you removed the bike. A better way to deal with this is to keep the bike out of the house in the first place. Either make it an outside toy, make it a "grandma's house toy" (hey, she bought it, right?) or give it away.

Once the child is talking to you disrespectfully, rather than respond to it, it's better to walk away or send her to another room until she calms down- just get some space from her so that her negativity doesn't get you down and "push you over the edge." This is different from "putting her in time out as a punishment" because you're not sending her away for a specific length of time, or to a specific spot- you just want some space from her until she's done ranting at you. If she gets involved playing something else (and not "staying in the naughty chair long enough") then that's a good thing! Putting YOURSELF in "time out" is even better than sending her out of the room- but it's not always practical if other people are already doing things in the room where the ranting child is.

 

Thanks for the support, it really helps. I did apologize to dd last night. I know it won't make her forget what was said though.

With my present state of mind, I really want concrete ideas I can fall back on, because I'm definitely not at my mutual solutions/creative ideas/playful parenting best. You know what I mean? Pat had posted 4 links recently I love and am going to print and post on the fridge. They included "20 things to do instead of losing it" or something like that.

I had Peggy O'mara's list from her, "Instead of hitting" article:

Quote:

Here are some alternatives to punishment: • Point out a way to be helpful. • Express strong disapproval without attacking character. • State your expectations. • Show your child how to make amends. • Take action. • Allow your child to experience the consequences of his or her own behavior. • Sympathize with the child. Be compassionate but stick to your decision. • Give an early warning. • Give specific instructions. Tell what to clean up, not just to "clean up." • Ask your child if you can help. • Ignore some annoying behavior. Don't reinforce negative behavior by giving it too much attention. • Do nothing. • Tackle one problem at a time. Correct one behavior at a time. • Use your sense of humor. • Give yourself time to grow and change. • Be affectionate. • Make sure the children are getting enough sleep. • Use the Golden Rule for children. Do unto them as you would like to have done unto you. • Convey respect. • Overlook differences that don't really matter. • Don't do for your children what they can do for themselves. • Schedule family time. • Use "I" statements. • Don't reward inappropriate behavior. • Use encouragement and honest praise rather than blanket praise. • Stop and think before you act. • Don't make a big fuss over spills and accidents. • Acknowledge positive behavior. • Sometimes just listen and be sympathetic. You can be sympathetic to both sides. • Be willing to change your mind. • Say "yes" as much as possible. • Get support and inspiration as a parent so that you remember you have choices. • Continue to think of your child as an emotional equal and figure it out. • Just say "no" to spanking.

Clearly, logical consequences are NOT mentioned here. I don't own the book that the list posted in this forum's sticky is from, so I can't look at it. But I am wondering if someone tried to translate her original list into a simpler list and so interpreted something as logical consequences. I know it shouldn't matter to me, I need to do what I think is right, but I really want to know if "logical consequences" was really on Pegggy's list. To me, that is punishment, and a contradiction to the title of the list.

Does anyone own that book and can look at the list?

Thanks,
Tracy

 

I've got the book right here

It's one of my favorite books

Hang on....pg. 193 in the Discipline Chapter:

Quote:

Use Logical Consequences If you must provide a consequence for an action, make it a logical one. Say your child goes to a friend's house after shcool without telling you--have her check in with you even more formally before going anywhere until you feel she's back on track. Logical consequences must be fair, respectful of the child, and connected to the behavior. The cause-effect relationship makes this form of discipline more effective than a punishment that has no connection to the offense.

 

Thanks Georgia, I appreciate it!

I love Peggy.

That makes sense. In my case I didn't want to punish as inflict something distasteful on my dd, but really just needed her not to ride that bike in the house and wake up the baby. Her screaming ended up waking up the baby anyways. Was that the natural consequence to me for the logical consequence of putting the bike outside?

Some days you just can't win.

~Tracy