My 4yo son has only said something like that two or three times when he was really excited about something he'd done. Once it was because he'd cleaned up his toys without being asked. He said, "Look Mommy, I did a really good job, right?" I said something along the lines of, "wow, you sure did. You even found the toys that were hiding under the table and put those away. And look, all your books are lined up so you can see them really easily." He just stood there beaming - I had acknowledged that he'd done a "good job" but also pointed out that I was really looking to see what he'd accomplished. That's the best advice I can offer...probably not the best advice you could get, though

and I hope some other moms answer this because I'm curious to see what they say.

 

You know, I would say "Yes, you had a lot of stuff to pick up and you picked it all up!" Our dd has picked up 'good job' from daycare, and mostly says it to herself. But if she asks me directly, I'll say yes, and then move on to the specifics. I think it's adding the specifics that really make the difference, not responding 'yes' to the question.

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with acknowledging a good job, especially when she's asking for it. Yes, I've read Alfie Kohn, and it is a phrase I try to avoid. But hearing an occasional "yes" if she asks "didn't I do a good job?" isn't going to harm her psyche forever!

 

I think that one of the risks of overpraising is that your child will come to rely on other people's interpretation of whether or not they did a good job. Given that, I think that the fact that your child is figuring out on their own that they did a good job is great! I'd probably reinforce that by saying something like "you feel proud because you picked up all the toys by yourself" or "I can tell you're proud of your picture -- can you tell me what you like about it?" thereby putting the emphasis back on their own interpretation.

 

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Originally Posted by LynnS6 Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with acknowledging a good job, especially when she's asking for it. Yes, I've read Alfie Kohn, and it is a phrase I try to avoid. But hearing an occasional "yes" if she asks "didn't I do a good job?" isn't going to harm her psyche forever!

I agree with this.

 

My ds said something like that once when he was helping me decorate the Christmas tree. He said "I'm doing a good job." and then waited for my agreement. Simply saying "I appreciate your help" (or something like that) didn't satisfy him.
(we don't praise. My family does, but we hadn't seen them for a couple months at that point)

I decided that the point in avoiding praise is to keep from passing OUR judgements on our kids, so that they can make those judgements themselves. So if he thinks he did a "good job," then I will agree with him. I ended up saying something like "yes, you did." then tried to add more specific words about HOW he was helpful, etc.

But then, when I first learned of no-praising, I decided that if ds was specifically asking for my value judgement, that I would give it to him.

 

Ever since DD started playschool, she would sometimes ask me if she did a GOOD job. I think her teachers does alot of praise and thats why she needed that 'verification' with me too. What do when she asks is to ask her 'do you like your painting? do you think its beautiful?' and usually she will reply 'yes! soooooo beauoootiful!' and I would smile and tell her 'I like your painting because mummy usually likes everything you paint. I am really glad that you like your own painting.' Sometimes I would say something like It feels good when you painted a picture that you like, doesnt it?'

 

I don't think it really counts as praise if your kid says, "Didn't I do a good job?" and you say yes. It's more like she's praising herself and you're just agreeing with her. I'd say yes if I were you.

 

I think sometimes we do things we feel so proud of and happy with, that we really want to share with someone we love. For instance, I spent a long time cleaning and organizing my room, and I put in a new rug. I called a friend to come visit and said, "Look how nice I made it look!" I enjoy things more when I can share them, kwim? So in the situation that you describe, I would join her in the moment, look at the task through her eyes, and try to share her enthusiasm.

Now, if it becomes a constant thing, I would NOT be jumping up every five minute to go look at what she did! LOL. I would say something like, "I bet you did do a careful job organizing your dresser drawer, and I will make extra sure to notice the next time I am in your room. I'm glad you are feeling happy with yourself! A job well done sure feels good, doesn't it?"

 

I like to bring focus on how my daughter feels about her work, rahter than what I or someone else thinks of it.

For instance, when she paints a picture and says, "See!" in a happy voice, I might say, "Oh, Denali, you look like you are very proud of your art. What is your favorite part of the picture? Will you tell me about it?"

Or when she does a good job helping me fold up laundry, she'll often proclaim, "I am the big helper!" I'll often reply, "It must make you feel very proud that you can help the family. I am glad you are proud of yourself, and I am proud of you, too."

 

I like the Haim Ginott approach to praise (from the books Between Parent and Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen), where the parent supplies accurate description and the kid gets to supply the evaluative label.

So in this example, I would say, "Whoa, I don't see one single piece of clothing left in the laundry basket! You even closed all your drawers so the dresser looks neat." That really conveys that you notice and appreciate the work she put in.

If she goes on to say "good job" for herself, there's nothing wrong with that! It means that she's setting herself up as the person who needs to be satisfied with what she does, which is perfectly healthy.

 

I say yes your did a great job I bet you feel super inside thankyou. Honestly I really really hate this idea that saying good job is a terrible thing now I don't mean over praise it can easily loose it s meaning going WOW thats amazing good job at every turn but reinforcing a childs feelings is not a bad thing. I grew up with the never say good job parents and I felt stupid and horrible about my self a lot, I just once in a while needed to hear yes its "good" I still to this day question any praise cause of this. I will not over prasie but I wont avoid the phrase eaither. Sorry lots of big feelings right now.

 

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I think sometimes we do things we feel so proud of and happy with, that we really want to share with someone we love. For instance, I spent a long time cleaning and organizing my room, and I put in a new rug. I called a friend to come visit and said, "Look how nice I made it look!" I enjoy things more when I can share them, kwim? So in the situation that you describe, I would join her in the moment, look at the task through her eyes, and try to share her enthusiasm.

Thanks, that makes sense and it's good to see another perspective.

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o in this example, I would say, "Whoa, I don't see one single piece of clothing left in the laundry basket! You even closed all your drawers so the dresser looks neat." That really conveys that you notice and appreciate the work she put in.

That's a great idea, thanks!

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I say yes your did a great job I bet you feel super inside thankyou. Honestly I really really hate this idea that saying good job is a terrible thing now I don't mean over praise it can easily loose it s meaning going WOW thats amazing good job at every turn but reinforcing a childs feelings is not a bad thing. I grew up with the never say good job parents and I felt stupid and horrible about my self a lot, I just once in a while needed to hear yes its "good" I still to this day question any praise cause of this. I will not over prasie but I wont avoid the phrase eaither. Sorry lots of big feelings right now.

I don't think saying good job is a terrible thing either and I can understand where you're coming from. I do tell my dd good job once in a while when she does deserve it. My only concern is that it seems like she is looking excessively for the approval of others and I do want her to know for herself that she did well despite what others say. I think she does and she's just looking for validation. I'll definitely use some of these suggestions though because I do find it valuable for her to think about how she feels after she does a "good job".

 

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I don't think saying good job is a terrible thing either and I can understand where you're coming from. I do tell my dd good job once in a while when she does deserve it. My only concern is that it seems like she is looking excessively for the approval of others and I do want her to know for herself that she did well despite what others say. I think she does and she's just looking for validation. I'll definitely use some of these suggestions though because I do find it valuable for her to think about how she feels after she does a "good job".

I TTU and thankyou for understanding there is just a lot going on in my life so I'm kinda snappy lately

. SOme kids really do need to hear approvial especially from trusted loved ones a little more than others. I'd also try asking her how things make her feel. Try to get her to trust her instincts and that inner pride. Talk to her about it. Help her to understand and hav pride in her own inner feelings of pride.

 

I agree totally with Rivka5.

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I like the Haim Ginott approach to praise (from the books Between Parent and Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen), where the parent supplies accurate description and the kid gets to supply the evaluative label. So in this example, I would say, "Whoa, I don't see one single piece of clothing left in the laundry basket! You even closed all your drawers so the dresser looks neat." That really conveys that you notice and appreciate the work she put in.