i'm sorry mama. i don't know. I was in your situation for a long time. i was somewhere between apathy and deathwish when i finally snapped and left. best thing i ever did.

who you marry is 95% of either your happiness or your misery in life. and youd kids know when mama ain't happy

:

good luck

 

I cry, work out and eat jelly beans. It isn't really helping all that much....

 

Would he go to counseling WITH you?

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by laura163 I cry, work out and eat jelly beans. It isn't really helping all that much....

 

I'm sorry. I know you're working on getting out, and I hope that day is sooner rather than later.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by DariusMom I'm sorry. I know you're working on getting out, and I hope that day is sooner rather than later.

Thanks.

Yeah, this darn economy, though.

I wonder if other divorces or separations are stalled by the economy.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice Thanks. Yeah, this darn economy, though. I wonder if other divorces or separations are stalled by the economy.

Tons...tons and tons. People cannot sell their homes, so they are seperated, but still living together. It's tough. There are tons of articles out there about it...you are not alone darling.

It sounds like maybe you have a shortage of good friends...if a good friend of mine came to me and was in a marriage that was sucking the life blood out of her, I would never tell her I didn't want to hear it....I'm so sorry that you don't have anyone IRL who is willing to let you cry it out and really talk...therapists are nice...but when you cannot really work toward the end goal, leaving, until later.....there is nothing like a cup of tea and a friends lap to cry on.

I don't know what to tell you aside from this: involve yourself in some activity that helps you to feel whole. You must engage in something which allows you to plug into yourself in a manner which makes your heart sing and feel open and alive. Yoga? Meditation? A walking group? Hiking? Are you the type of person who climbs to the top of a mountain....and when you are standing there, sweaty and out of breath looking at the gorgeous landscape spread out around you....feel like you are seeing heaven on earth? If so, maybe look to join a hiking club in your area. Is cooking your bliss? I know it can be hard to even care about anything with all of this going on, and I know you said that trying these things ends up feeling shallow....but maybe you haven't tried the thing that clicks for you?

Keep your head up dearest...the day will come when you can walk out into the world on your own and start a new life....in the mean time, what can you think to do, to try and carve out a little bit of that new life, within this one you have to hold onto a little bit longer?

From one woman and mother to another....I love you. I am sending all the mama mojo I have your way, in hopes that it will lift up your spirits, if even for a moment, and lighten your heart...if only an ounce. You are brave and strong...and you will make it through this whole...even when it doesn't feel like it, remember, one day this will be a memory.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice Thanks. Yeah, this darn economy, though. I wonder if other divorces or separations are stalled by the economy.

Can you open your own savings and start packing a little bit away? this may help start some goal setting behavior.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by AverysMomma Tons...tons and tons. People cannot sell their homes, so they are seperated, but still living together. It's tough. There are tons of articles out there about it...you are not alone darling. It sounds like maybe you have a shortage of good friends...if a good friend of mine came to me and was in a marriage that was sucking the life blood out of her, I would never tell her I didn't want to hear it....I'm so sorry that you don't have anyone IRL who is willing to let you cry it out and really talk...therapists are nice...but when you cannot really work toward the end goal, leaving, until later.....there is nothing like a cup of tea and a friends lap to cry on. I don't know what to tell you aside from this: involve yourself in some activity that helps you to feel whole. You must engage in something which allows you to plug into yourself in a manner which makes your heart sing and feel open and alive. Yoga? Meditation? A walking group? Hiking? Are you the type of person who climbs to the top of a mountain....and when you are standing there, sweaty and out of breath looking at the gorgeous landscape spread out around you....feel like you are seeing heaven on earth? If so, maybe look to join a hiking club in your area. Is cooking your bliss? I know it can be hard to even care about anything with all of this going on, and I know you said that trying these things ends up feeling shallow....but maybe you haven't tried the thing that clicks for you? Keep your head up dearest...the day will come when you can walk out into the world on your own and start a new life....in the mean time, what can you think to do, to try and carve out a little bit of that new life, within this one you have to hold onto a little bit longer? From one woman and mother to another....I love you. I am sending all the mama mojo I have your way, in hopes that it will lift up your spirits, if even for a moment, and lighten your heart...if only an ounce. You are brave and strong...and you will make it through this whole...even when it doesn't feel like it, remember, one day this will be a memory.

Thank you so much. This is a really nice, nice post. It really made my day.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeliphish Can you open your own savings and start packing a little bit away? this may help start some goal setting behavior.

Thanks.

I've got my own savings (well, joint savings but I have access to everything) and I have my own retirement I could tap (with major penalities). It's not so much lack of emergency funds as it is what the poster below yours said.

I'm stuck in a house, and if we separate or divorce, we would surely be going into foreclosure and bankruptcy before the end of the divorce because the house would likely not sell in this market.

That's really the major issue.

I've gone back to work to a great job that lets me work from home and offers good flexibilty. The pay is so-so (it's ok) but the benefits rock. I can support myself and my child with it.

If DH is fair, and everything is divided evenly, we'd be ok.

If he drags out the divorce, though, it wouldn't take long for us to drain everything we have with a few months of lawyer's fees.

And the house. Houses take forever to sell in this economy. That's the main issue.

I've been setting goals all along and I've been meeting them...except for the situation above.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by AverysMomma Tons...tons and tons. People cannot sell their homes, so they are seperated, but still living together. It's tough. There are tons of articles out there about it...you are not alone darling. It sounds like maybe you have a shortage of good friends...if a good friend of mine came to me and was in a marriage that was sucking the life blood out of her, I would never tell her I didn't want to hear it....I'm so sorry that you don't have anyone IRL who is willing to let you cry it out and really talk...therapists are nice...but when you cannot really work toward the end goal, leaving, until later.....there is nothing like a cup of tea and a friends lap to cry on. I don't know what to tell you aside from this: involve yourself in some activity that helps you to feel whole. You must engage in something which allows you to plug into yourself in a manner which makes your heart sing and feel open and alive. Yoga? Meditation? A walking group? Hiking? Are you the type of person who climbs to the top of a mountain....and when you are standing there, sweaty and out of breath looking at the gorgeous landscape spread out around you....feel like you are seeing heaven on earth? If so, maybe look to join a hiking club in your area. Is cooking your bliss? I know it can be hard to even care about anything with all of this going on, and I know you said that trying these things ends up feeling shallow....but maybe you haven't tried the thing that clicks for you? Keep your head up dearest...the day will come when you can walk out into the world on your own and start a new life....in the mean time, what can you think to do, to try and carve out a little bit of that new life, within this one you have to hold onto a little bit longer? From one woman and mother to another....I love you. I am sending all the mama mojo I have your way, in hopes that it will lift up your spirits, if even for a moment, and lighten your heart...if only an ounce. You are brave and strong...and you will make it through this whole...even when it doesn't feel like it, remember, one day this will be a memory.

what she said.

 

I highly suggest reading the book Broken Open

 

Just to be clear- are both your names on the house? If so, could you refi in just one name? If it was in just yours, could you afford to make the payments on your own?

Would your spouse agree to counseling to either, A) Repair the marriage, or B) take steps like those above to get an amicable divorce?

My mom and dad are still living together, despite being divorced, because they can't sell their house. It breaks my heart, because I see what living with my dad is doing to my mom. I tell my mom all the time that she can come live with us (and DH is on board, he actually likes having my mom around- thank God for small favors), but now that my dad is unemployed, my mom would, at least, have to come up with half the mortgage payment every month to keep the house out of foreclosure. So even though we wouldn't charge her rent, she'd have to find a job here that would cover her living expenses, half a mortgage payment (maybe more), and allow room for savings. That would be tough. So, she stays. I would rather see my mom foreclosed on than watch her wither a little more every day, but it's not my choice to make, and it's not my credit that's affected. I disagree with but understand her choices.

(I am not immune to my dad's feelings, but he loves living with my mom, and didn't want a divorce in the first place. He didn't want to be a good husband, either, though, so...)

I sincerely hope that things work out better for you than they have for her.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leta Just to be clear- are both your names on the house? If so, could you refi in just one name? If it was in just yours, could you afford to make the payments on your own? Would your spouse agree to counseling to either, A) Repair the marriage, or B) take steps like those above to get an amicable divorce? My mom and dad are still living together, despite being divorced, because they can't sell their house. It breaks my heart, because I see what living with my dad is doing to my mom. I tell my mom all the time that she can come live with us (and DH is on board, he actually likes having my mom around- thank God for small favors), but now that my dad is unemployed, my mom would, at least, have to come up with half the mortgage payment every month to keep the house out of foreclosure. So even though we wouldn't charge her rent, she'd have to find a job here that would cover her living expenses, half a mortgage payment (maybe more), and allow room for savings. That would be tough. So, she stays. I would rather see my mom foreclosed on than watch her wither a little more every day, but it's not my choice to make, and it's not my credit that's affected. I disagree with but understand her choices. (I am not immune to my dad's feelings, but he loves living with my mom, and didn't want a divorce in the first place. He didn't want to be a good husband, either, though, so...) I sincerely hope that things work out better for you than they have for her.

Yes, both names on the house (of course). Neither of us can afford it on our own (plus we'd have to pay the other their half of equity with a divorce).

DH will not amicably divorce because he doesn't want a divorce. I have heard him say that, threaten that, over and over and over again.

If I leave and stop helping to make payments on everything, and then have my own payments, we would be in financial hot water. I wouldn't want DH to do that to me, so I won't do that to him (or us). Remember, everything is jointly held.

Plus, that takes a way from our ability to provide for our child, right?

I have no relatives to help. I am the person who has helped out my mom and dad financially for years. They don't even have houses.

It's not bad enough to go to a woman's shelter yet, but I really need to get out of this marriage. I don't like him, and I don't like how he acts or how he treats me if he doesn't agree on something, etc.

Yesterday, during an argument he kept calling me a fat or dumb b**ch, which he thinks is better than what he used to call me, c**t and wh**e, during arguments. He actually says he is trying and doing better and I just shake my head in disbelief. I think those words are worse than anything I could ever call him because I never use made up, unappliable swear words towards him.

I describe the behaviors I don't like him, but he says that is a trigger for him because he doesn't want to hear it and so he lashes out deliberately. I can't take that anymore.

Later he always says stuff like, come on, get over it. I apologize. You know I didn't mean it. You know you're not a wh**e. Stop being overly sensitive. You are hyper-sensitive today because of x, y, or z (unrelated) stresses.

Last night I was thinking again about what a counselor would say. I was really mad that he calls me those names, which are factually inaccurate and he uses them, by his own admission, just to be cruel and make me cry. Then he says I am hyper-sensitive because of something else going on, unrelated to him. I think that is his way of transfering blame.

It makes me upset because it is not at all related to anything else. I don't think I'm being "hyper-sensitive." I am sensitive, and I don't like those names. Maybe other people wouldn't mind them, but I do. I keep telling him that I really don't want to be married to a man who uses those words towards his wife over and over again, year after year, even if he does apologize later.

And DH says lots of people use those words and I am not aware of reality because I do not see people in their private interactions in their own homes. I only see people in social situations where a husband is unlikely to call his wife any of those names, but DH is convinced it's common.

Again, I think he's trying to give excuses for his behavior by making it seem more common and acceptable than it is.

 

Oh babe...this sounds like such a toxic place for you to be....I'm so sorry that you are stuck here. No one should ever, ever talk to you like that...least of all, your partner.

I'm just so sorry. Don't ever let him make you feel, even for a second, like that is normal, or that you are being "overly sensitive"...I have no idea how I would cope with that without turning so hateful...my hat's off to you for keeping your cool. That is really, really sucky that he thinks that is normal.

I cannot wait for the day when you can walk out and never look back....that's just a heinous way for a person to treat his spouse.

 

Oh, yuck. I'm very sorry.

I do not mean to minimize AT ALL the ramifications that financial upheaval puts on a divorcing couple or their DC, but just because you are in a bad marriage in a troubled economy does not mean that you don't have the ability to take care of your child. Lots of things make it harder to be the parents we would like to be. That doesn't mean we aren't good parents, anyway.

I don't think it's normal or acceptable to call your spouse sexual, derogatory names. Sure, he wants you to think that it is- because he wants to control the situation.

What is it with men who don't want divorces, who will fight the divorce tooth and nail, but who don't want to be good husbands, who don't want to fight for their marriages? I don't get it.

 

Thanks. I didn't think I was being hyper-sensitive and it's good to hear that confirmed again from other people.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by AverysMomma Oh babe...this sounds like such a toxic place for you to be....I'm so sorry that you are stuck here. No one should ever, ever talk to you like that...least of all, your partner. I'm just so sorry. Don't ever let him make you feel, even for a second, like that is normal, or that you are being "overly sensitive"...I have no idea how I would cope with that without turning so hateful...my hat's off to you for keeping your cool. That is really, really sucky that he thinks that is normal. I cannot wait for the day when you can walk out and never look back....that's just a heinous way for a person to treat his spouse.

:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leta What is it with men who don't want divorces, who will fight the divorce tooth and nail, but who don't want to be good husbands, who don't want to fight for their marriages? I don't get it.

It's all about control.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by A&A It's all about control.

I wonder about that.

Sometimes I think it is about control.

Sometimes I think it's something else. I think he wants to hurt me, but maybe that is a form of control.

I think he wants to make me cry and wants to make me feel despair.

This weekend has been rough. If he does something wrong, and I call him on it, he gets so aggressive.

I'm always afraid he's going to break things. He has a pretty consistent record of breaking windshields in our cars by throwing things, he's broken nearly all our dining room chairs, he's broken little things around the house, pictures, on and on.

He always says that I made him do it. That if I just would have left him alone or shut up, he would never have gotten as ramped up as he did.

It's the same thing with the words he uses. I really wouldn't get as upset if he called me general names like a**hole or something. If he calls me stupid or idiot, whatever, I don't like it but it doesn't make me feel the despair that I feel when he calls me dumb b*tch, or fing who*re, or the worst in my opinion c*nt. Those words make me cry every time even if I try really hard not to.

Sometimes he pulls out other things like today when he told me something like you don't know how everyone thinks of you, you don't know the half of it. There was a reason no one helped you after your c-section. Everyone hates you.

Or a few times he's said things like no wonder your dad left you.

I can't take this anymore. It is crushing me and I'm sad and depressed and he used that against me. He'll scoff at depression and blame it on so many other things, when it's really not even clinical depression...I'm sad and upset at being married to him.

I feel threatened and he has broken so many things and pushed me around physically a few times. I think if I just leave he'll hurt me even more or destroy things around the house.

He has said that if he goes down, we're all going down that kind of thing.

 

With all due respect, I have been following your posts for months and I think your situation is bad enough to go to a woman's shelter. You are being physically and verbally abused. You are just delaying the inevitable by not getting out now. I would rather go bankrupt than live in the environment that you are describing.

I am personally in a disfunctional marriage and I am doing everything I can to get out of it but if my husband EVER once called me a c**t, wh**e, etc, I would leave so fast.

You need to get a lawyer asap.

 

I agree with the previous poster.

There is no way to fix this. There's no way to heal yourself while you are being abused. Please do your utmost to leave - you'll lose yourself otherwise.

 

Technically, what he's doing is assault. He's making you afraid, that's all that a person has to do to assault you. (Hence, "assault and battery"- battery is the actual hitting.) Calling you names and breaking things, these are things that get men arrested when they do it to strange women at bars. That's what makes it assault- no need to batter, or specifically threaten, that's why battery and making criminal threats are separate crimes.

I would get in touch with a women's crisis shelter. I turned to one after I was raped, and even though I never went there to live, or dealt with the legal system, they were unbelievably helpful. The advocates who work for a good shelter know people and know the system and are an amazing resource.

They can't solve your financial problems, but they can help you do things like get a restraining order and finding a lawyer that works on a sliding fee, stuff like that.

Not going to counseling, saying that his wife and child only deserve to have happen to them what happens to him, breaking windsheilds, pushing you around- I am so, so sorry to say this, but from where I'm sitting, it sounds like it's only a matter of time before he starts hitting you. I hope you can find a course of action that you can live with.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leta Technically, what he's doing is assault. He's making you afraid, that's all that a person has to do to assault you. (Hence, "assault and battery"- battery is the actual hitting.) Calling you names and breaking things, these are things that get men arrested when they do it to strange women at bars. That's what makes it assault- no need to batter, or specifically threaten, that's why battery and making criminal threats are separate crimes. I would get in touch with a women's crisis shelter. I turned to one after I was raped, and even though I never went there to live, or dealt with the legal system, they were unbelievably helpful. The advocates who work for a good shelter know people and know the system and are an amazing resource. They can't solve your financial problems, but they can help you do things like get a restraining order and finding a lawyer that works on a sliding fee, stuff like that. Not going to counseling, saying that his wife and child only deserve to have happen to them what happens to him, breaking windsheilds, pushing you around- I am so, so sorry to say this, but from where I'm sitting, it sounds like it's only a matter of time before he starts hitting you. I hope you can find a course of action that you can live with.

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. I really, really am, and I am really glad to hear that you took the steps you needed to to recover and heal. I hope you are ok now.

 

Thank you. Yes, I am fine- it's been a long time, more than ten years, and I have done a lot healing in that time.

Everybody needs help sometime. This was where I got mine, so I tend to suggest it a lot. I know it may not be as great for everyone as it was for me, but I do think that a decent women's crisis organization would have at least some answers for your situation.