Have you discussed it with his therapists? I bet they would have some good insight!

You NEED a break! Your husband is home FT. Go out for a couple of hours! You CAN do your own thing. It's not normal or healthy to be the sole caregiver for a child and I have felt for a long time that you guys are feeding off each other's anxiety. Seriously you're going to collapse under the weight of this child and it's not fair to anyone in your family. :hug:

 

I remember having similar thoughts about my little kids. I wish I would have took time for myself. Looking back I would have been a much better mother if I would have.

 

I know, it's just hard to get the breaks I need because DS flips out and gets so anxious when I leave, especially when he's in a hard stage like he is now. I do actually take breaks, they just end up being more stressful in the end since I have to spend so much time calming him down before & after.

You know, I'm not sure his therapists are all that helpful.

They seem to feel they've tried everything they can think of already. They are more than willing to help but they are kind of out of ideas. I think he throws them for a loop because in many ways he's like a 4-year-old and they lose sight of the fact that he's only 2 and they are just so amazed by things he says/does that they forget why they're here or something.

They just haven't encountered another kid quite like him. DS loves them & I appreciate that they've tried, I just feel frustrated that even they are clueless about how to help him (and us). I don't even know what to ask of them, although they would jump on any idea I come up with. I almost feel like he needs a psychiatrist or something. But he's TWO.

 

How about calling a developmental pediatrician and saying you would like help with his anxiety?

How about making separation from him part of your day? Like every day you leave him for 2 hours to go to the gym. I did that with my kids for a while. The routine was awesome. Random separations were harder for them. But every day that I got to work out, take a long shower... that was much easier on everyone.

 

I second the suggestion of getting out of the house and taking time for yourself. Allow your child to forge a relationship with your husband. It might be hard and there might be tears but he will be with his dad who loves him and will be able to handle him just fine. Crying in the arms of a loving father is very different from just abandoning him. You do not have to do this alone.

 

Hugs, mama. I've been there and it is really really hard. I know I've read other posts about your son, and I can't remember what you've tried, but have you looked at food allergies/intolerences? My son was just like that before we figured it all out. It took about four months of taking out different things before we got it all figured out, but once we had, my super grouchy, clingy, never happy, lethargic son turned into a really content little boy. We did the GFCF thing, still had troubles, had him tested for allergies, took those foods out, still had issues, and finally figured out that any tiny bit of sunflower oil (which is in everything) would set him off. He is GFCF and allergen free still too. Anyhow, maybe you've tried, but it might be worth pursuing more. Good luck. And yes...take some time for yourself even if it is an hour or two a week. Do whatever you need to...resort to TV or some other distraction but get the time you need. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It is okay to relax your standards to get some time away.

ETA....have you tried a weighted blanket? That and a paci helped my son at bedtime a lot so I didn't have to be constantly touching him, or when I was, it lasted a shorter length of time.

 

Off topic maybe - but what is a weighted blanket and where can one get one? Thanks.

 

I am sorry it's so hard. I can relate- but I certainly don't have all the answers- you have to trip over them sometimes.

For us, heavy work is an absolute HAVE TO DO every single day. If DS doesn't get this, he's an absolute wreck. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/heavy-work-activities.html

Diet is a key for us, but not in the predictable ways. Our 'ah-ha!' moment was a couple months ago as we began exploring mitochondrial disorder and our ped emphasized how easily some of these kids are thrown out of electrolyte balance. His suggestion- 4 oz of pedialite or gatorade (DS prefers the gatorade- by a lot!) 2x a day. Watch to see if anything changed. Within a week he started speaking in full sentences. Within two weeks his anxiety levels dropped. Now, he's doing much better but if he goes a day without it, I see the impact almost right away- the anxiety is back, the irrational behavior, the clinginess...

He has a great diet in general, so I don't know why it works so well, but it does.

Also, I had to learn not to make his distress my own. He needed to see that even if it makes him angry, Mom gets to take care of herself too. I give him ample warning, and we have pictures of what's going to happen through out the day hung on the walls in order so he has a reminder of what will happen next. He's a little older than your DS though- at three now. Of course, as I type this, he has just been asked to go take a nap and is screaming in anger because I won't go to him instantly. I don't do CIO as a general rule, but throughout his life I have learned the difference between DS trying to control the people around him, and the times he actually needs me. Oops, correction- while I typed that, he's stopped yelling and has begun to settle. He is a kid who really needs a parent to create and enforce limits- without them, or if he feels as though he is in too much control or has too many decisions to make for himself- panics and feels very insecure in the world.

Parenting a kid with special needs is a different journey, and you have to make up the rules as you go along. With my other kids, I can be the quintessential AP/always respond right away parent. With this kid, while that would soothe him in that moment, it isn't what he needs to feel secure in general. I had to deal with a lot of my own guilt about that. It's uncomfortable to me to be less responsive and more authoritarian with him than I necessarily want to be. I eventually realized though that the parent I want to be in't 100% the parent he needs. We had to juggle and find a middle ground.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blessed_Mom

Off topic maybe - but what is a weighted blanket and where can one get one? Thanks.

It is a blanket filled with something that makes it a little heavy--beans, marbles, plastic beads, etc. Some kids with sensory issues respond well to having the pressure of the blanket on them and it can be soothing. As far as getting one...I ordered one online and was really unhappy with it. They are also pretty expensive, so I ended up making one. If you need ideas on how to make one, let me know. Otherwise hopefully some other mamas have ideas of where to order from where they actually do a nice job. I just wasn't willing to spend the money a second time after the first one wasn't what it was supposed to be at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by insidevoice

For us, heavy work is an absolute HAVE TO DO every single day. If DS doesn't get this, he's an absolute wreck. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/heavy-work-activities.html

Heavy work is a big deal for us too. So is jumping on the trampoline. When DS doesn't do these things, he spends a ton of time "crashing" into me and it drives me bonkers. Also he is much happier when we do the heavy work. Swimming has also been a good sensory outlet for him.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

The worst part is, all he wants is me. And all I want is to run away. ...am depressed and miserable because I can't do my own thing ever.
Really though, I will do anything for him, I will move heaven & earth, but what's the point if he's still going to be miserable??? I just want a happy kid.

I have read quite a few of your threads and I think that what I've quoted above is possible at least part of the reason. I don't believe that you can be that unhappy and your child not pick up on it. I'm not in any way saying this to make you feel worse or blame you or anything like that but I do think at least some part of his stress must be due to the fact that the most important person in his world feels so terrible all the time.

I don't have any real solutions other than to say that anything you can do to help you feel better is probably going to help him feel better also.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by D_McG

How about calling a developmental pediatrician and saying you would like help with his anxiety?

How about making separation from him part of your day? Like every day you leave him for 2 hours to go to the gym. I did that with my kids for a while. The routine was awesome. Random separations were harder for them. But every day that I got to work out, take a long shower... that was much easier on everyone.

Dev. pedi -- good idea, something I will look into! Gym -- YES, I was just talking to DH about joining a gym yesterday, there is one down the street that's only $10/mo so I think we can swing that, just have to figure out how to work it into my schedule!
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauren31

I second the suggestion of getting out of the house and taking time for yourself. Allow your child to forge a relationship with your husband. It might be hard and there might be tears but he will be with his dad who loves him and will be able to handle him just fine. Crying in the arms of a loving father is very different from just abandoning him. You do not have to do this alone.

He does spend a ton of time with DH... And a couple weeks ago I had training for work (I WAH but had to go to the office to train) and was away 9 hours a day for a week and it did help their relationship but seemed to cause DS a ton of anxiety and issues that he's still dealing with so now I'm more reluctant to leave him a lot while he's 'recovering' from that. And he has it in his head that DH is "a nightworm" which apparently is something very scary.

Just a tough stage...
Quote:

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama

Hugs, mama. I've been there and it is really really hard. I know I've read other posts about your son, and I can't remember what you've tried, but have you looked at food allergies/intolerences?

So I haven't ruled out food intolerances... but he didn't really eat solids until well into his second year and during that time I was vegan, GF, soy-free, and corn-free... so I can't think of anything else that would cross into breastmilk? But it's possible. Maybe it's something really obscure. He is such a good eater now & I'm afraid to mess that up and not sure how to safely do an elimination diet with a 2yo and do not look forward to denying him his favorite foods.
Quote:

Originally Posted by insidevoice

For us, heavy work is an absolute HAVE TO DO every single day. If DS doesn't get this, he's an absolute wreck. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/heavy-work-activities.html

Diet is a key for us, but not in the predictable ways. Our 'ah-ha!' moment was a couple months ago as we began exploring mitochondrial disorder and our ped emphasized how easily some of these kids are thrown out of electrolyte balance. His suggestion- 4 oz of pedialite or gatorade (DS prefers the gatorade- by a lot!) 2x a day. Watch to see if anything changed. Within a week he started speaking in full sentences. Within two weeks his anxiety levels dropped. Now, he's doing much better but if he goes a day without it, I see the impact almost right away- the anxiety is back, the irrational behavior, the clinginess...

DS does gravitate toward 'heavy work' type activities and I've done some reading on all that but what I struggle with is figuring out how best to integrate it into our day, time things right, etc. I asked his OT about this and she was like, "Yeah, it's hard to integrate it," or something, so not so helpful...

Electrolyte balance -- interesting -- he is still nursing and I would guess that does something similar?? So I had him down to only nursing 1x/day and all seemed good (meaning he didn't object to it) but that is also about when his anxiety & clinginess started getting worse so now I'm back to nursing him 2x/day and we'll see if that helps. No idea why the gatorade works? Does it have to be at certain times of day?
Quote:

Originally Posted by katelove

I have read quite a few of your threads and I think that what I've quoted above is possible at least part of the reason. I don't believe that you can be that unhappy and your child not pick up on it. I'm not in any way saying this to make you feel worse or blame you or anything like that but I do think at least some part of his stress must be due to the fact that the most important person in his world feels so terrible all the time.

I don't have any real solutions other than to say that anything you can do to help you feel better is probably going to help him feel better also.

This is true and I know my own issues are certainly compounding his. I am definitely not blind to that, just having trouble figuring out how best to change it. None of my issues seem easily resolvable and trying to find the right form of help is tough, DH is going to make some calls for me but I need to compile the phone #s for him -- man I wish he could just take over and figure things out for me so I can get proper help, but that's not his strong point & not exactly something I'm capable of doing right now, though I'm trying.

 

I am sorry if someone has already asked this, but have you talked to your priest? Your church might have counseling available or be able to suggest places to go for the help. Also, you can call a therapist's office and ask if they have anyone doing pro bono work. If you live near a college or University often the students need to do their training and will see patients for free.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

So I haven't ruled out food intolerances... but he didn't really eat solids until well into his second year and during that time I was vegan, GF, soy-free, and corn-free... so I can't think of anything else that would cross into breastmilk? But it's possible. Maybe it's something really obscure. He is such a good eater now & I'm afraid to mess that up and not sure how to safely do an elimination diet with a 2yo and do not look forward to denying him his favorite foods.

DS is allergic to tomatoes and nuts. He is not allergic to oranges, apples, bananas, or grapes, but those all make his behavior and mood horrible... If you want to pursue the food angle, there are a lot of different diets out there and the allergy forum might be able to help. We did the Feast Without Yeast diet which lists common triggers as anything pickled, vinegar, maple syrup, apples, bananas, grapes, anything with malt or yeast, etc. as some of the biggest problem foods for those who are sensitive. There are other diets that I know also suggest limiting apples, etc...I think something about things high in sals. I don't remember because this was the first diet we did and it happened to work. Just a thought though that you may want to post on the SN board or allergy board about which foods seemed to trigger other kiddos or which diets worked.

And as a side note...don't beat yourself up for your own mood rubbing off on your son. It is extremely difficult to be a happy mama when your kid is so unhappy, clingy, and feels he needs to be attached to you like a monkey 24/7. It is pretty hard NOT to be totally overwhelmed and depressed in that situation. I'd work on finding a solution for him and know that your reaction is totally normal for the situation. Once you figure out what is going on with him, he will be happier, and so will you. Until then, it would take someone with super powers to not feel massively overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus

I am sorry if someone has already asked this, but have you talked to your priest? Your church might have counseling available or be able to suggest places to go for the help. Also, you can call a therapist's office and ask if they have anyone doing pro bono work. If you live near a college or University often the students need to do their training and will see patients for free.

I actually emailed someone last night & they are supposed to be sending me a list of people in the area today. Then I just have to figure out the money thing. I don't think a college student is a good idea 'cause I'm really screwed up, not just run-of-the-mill screwed up...

Quote:

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama

DS is allergic to tomatoes and nuts. He is not allergic to oranges, apples, bananas, or grapes, but those all make his behavior and mood horrible... If you want to pursue the food angle, there are a lot of different diets out there and the allergy forum might be able to help. We did the Feast Without Yeast diet which lists common triggers as anything pickled, vinegar, maple syrup, apples, bananas, grapes, anything with malt or yeast, etc. as some of the biggest problem foods for those who are sensitive. There are other diets that I know also suggest limiting apples, etc...I think something about things high in sals.

I think I read too much lol -- I have heard about so many different diets but they all contradict each other so it's hard to figure out where to start. And how come some sites say bananas (for ex.) are high in salicylates and others says they are low/negligible??? Do I just guess who's right? And I wonder if salicylates pass into breastmilk? I feel like a mad scientist or a detective... except I really don't want to be a scientist, I just want someone to come in & tell me exactly what to do so I can do it & he can be happy. I can dream, right?

Oh and I mentally kept discarding the weighted blanket idea because he hates blankets on him but last night in desperation I put our microwave heating pad on him (not warmed up) -- he fell asleep in 2 minutes! Could be coincidence, he was really tired by then, but I'm going to try for a few days and see if it's worth making an actual blanket. Unfortunately it wouldn't stay on him all night and he slept fitfully again, but even if it just helps him fall asleep, it would be worth it...
Quote:

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama

And as a side note...don't beat yourself up for your own mood rubbing off on your son. It is extremely difficult to be a happy mama when your kid is so unhappy, clingy, and feels he needs to be attached to you like a monkey 24/7. It is pretty hard NOT to be totally overwhelmed and depressed in that situation. I'd work on finding a solution for him and know that your reaction is totally normal for the situation. Once you figure out what is going on with him, he will be happier, and so will you. Until then, it would take someone with super powers to not feel massively overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed.

A big part of it is him and trying to deal with him & keep him happy... and I know that's not really in my control and I don't really blame myself for being stressed about that, and I know toddlerhood is stressful for lots of moms. The other part is some major personal issues that arose after he was born (having a small child triggered me in many ways, both his actions and his very presence, flashbacks, etc.), and I guess that's the part I'm beating myself up about -- I wish I had known these things would come up, I wish I fully dealt with my 'stuff' before having a kid so it wouldn't affect him in any way, I'm mad at myself for not being able to be the parent I wanted to be & for failing him. I feel like we're caught in a cycle of me being upset which leads him to be more anxious & clingy, which makes me even more upset... you know? It's hard to break that cycle and not get sucked back into it once we've temporarily broken it.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I actually emailed someone last night & they are supposed to be sending me a list of people in the area today. Then I just have to figure out the money thing. I don't think a college student is a good idea 'cause I'm really screwed up, not just run-of-the-mill screwed up...

I think I read too much lol -- I have heard about so many different diets but they all contradict each other so it's hard to figure out where to start. And how come some sites say bananas (for ex.) are high in salicylates and others says they are low/negligible??? Do I just guess who's right? And I wonder if salicylates pass into breastmilk? I feel like a mad scientist or a detective... except I really don't want to be a scientist, I just want someone to come in & tell me exactly what to do so I can do it & he can be happy. I can dream, right?
Oh and I mentally kept discarding the weighted blanket idea because he hates blankets on him but last night in desperation I put our microwave heating pad on him (not warmed up) -- he fell asleep in 2 minutes! Could be coincidence, he was really tired by then, but I'm going to try for a few days and see if it's worth making an actual blanket. Unfortunately it wouldn't stay on him all night and he slept fitfully again, but even if it just helps him fall asleep, it would be worth it...

A big part of it is him and trying to deal with him & keep him happy... and I know that's not really in my control and I don't really blame myself for being stressed about that, and I know toddlerhood is stressful for lots of moms. The other part is some major personal issues that arose after he was born (having a small child triggered me in many ways, both his actions and his very presence, flashbacks, etc.), and I guess that's the part I'm beating myself up about -- I wish I had known these things would come up, I wish I fully dealt with my 'stuff' before having a kid so it wouldn't affect him in any way, I'm mad at myself for not being able to be the parent I wanted to be & for failing him. I feel like we're caught in a cycle of me being upset which leads him to be more anxious & clingy, which makes me even more upset... you know? It's hard to break that cycle and not get sucked back into it once we've temporarily broken it.

I agree with you completely on not seeing a college student... I've worked with a ton of therapists as a social worker and would collaborate with them on kids/families on my caseload and it was stunning how many just plain stunk at their job....Ones who had been practicing for a long time. If you're going to spend the time seeing a therapist, which is a great idea, I'd see one who would be worth my time.

I hear you on the scientist thing. You know, it is a process, and it can be a long one, but it is so worth it in the end. What helped me is to come up with a checklist of sorts. I did a lot of research but it wasn't like there was one answer. There were so many possible solutions for kids, so many diets to choose from, sensory work, supplements, therapies, etc. I considered all sorts of things, and came up with a list of what I wanted to try first, second, etc. For me, it helped that I kind of gave myself homework. I thought to myself, "okay, we are going to find the solution. There has to be something bothering DS and I know we can find the solution if we just keep working through all the possibilities." I was prepared for it to take years, but felt better believing that at some point, we would figure out what it was that would make his life, and ours, better. The thing about all the diets is, you're right...they all conflict. I also did extended breastfeeding and I'm pretty sure most of the things got into DS's diet. Once we jumped into trying a diet (which, by the way, I did only out of sheer desperation, completely thinking it was a bunch of BS), we started noticing changes, but it still took a long time to figure out the last piece of the puzzle. For instance, oranges and sunflower weren't no-no's in the diet we did, but we found in time that they were huge problems. Diet might not be the be all, end all for your DS. But try to hang onto some hope that you will figure out what is going on with him and you will figure out how to make things better. With kids like ours, it is baby steps that make all the difference. I couldn't believe how much better I felt for instance when bedtime started taking an hour instead of three. Hang in there, mama. It is tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Quote:

A big part of it is him and trying to deal with him & keep him happy... and I know that's not really in my control and I don't really blame myself for being stressed about that, and I know toddlerhood is stressful for lots of moms. The other part is some major personal issues that arose after he was born (having a small child triggered me in many ways, both his actions and his very presence, flashbacks, etc.), and I guess that's the part I'm beating myself up about -- I wish I had known these things would come up, I wish I fully dealt with my 'stuff' before having a kid so it wouldn't affect him in any way, I'm mad at myself for not being able to be the parent I wanted to be & for failing him. I feel like we're caught in a cycle of me being upset which leads him to be more anxious & clingy, which makes me even more upset... you know? It's hard to break that cycle and not get sucked back into it once we've temporarily broken it.

I could have wrote this. You are not alone mama. I am adopted and so many issues surfaced when I had my kids it was unbelievable.

No one told me, warned me, talked to me about it.

I had been in therapy on and off for years and thought I was doing ok. No one ever mentioned my adoption as an issue and that it could affect my mothering.

And it has.

I am again in therapy ds is 8 and dd is 5. I want to be healed for them... but it is a process.... I am their mom and they love me. I wish I was stronger, more with it.

Start now. Don't beat yourself up. You are trying and that's all any of us can do. We start where we are and work with what we've got.

 

I think the idea of a therapist for you is a key place to start. It will give you time of your own, and may help you get centered enough to start moving forward again. I'm in the field and can hopefully give you some advice here - As far as students go, an intern would generally be a 4th or 5th year grad student with a few years experience under their belts. But, the efficacy of a therapist is directly related to their years of experience. So a masters level therapist would be cheaper, and if they have 10-30 years experience they are probably pretty good. Unfortunately, most "good" therapists don't accept insurance, but you can ask if they have a "sliding scale" where essentially you work out a reduced price that you can afford (probably not free, though).

Otherwise, I can only sympathize with your situation. We had only minor/typical attachment issues, but kids usually can be conditioned pretty easily (with maybe 1-2 weeks of consistency). So, for instance, if you give him "daddy time," or a new bedtime routine, or whatever, it may take time, but sticking to it will work out. We also try to not pay too much time/attention to the fuss created by change, as it really just reinforces the behavior you don't want. When my DD got to big for me to carry (I got BAD neck pain), there was a lot of fuss and tantrums, but after a week of me simply saying no, she realized I wasn't giving in and stopped asking so much. Same thing with our walks - we bring a wagon for her to ride in, but I simply can't carry her. So we'll stand out in the street for 30 minutes until she either walks or rides in the wagon, and I have to be strong and ignore the whining. But, this also means your husband has to stick to the same routines/rules so his experience is relatively balanced.

The food things sound like reasonable issues and worth following up on. Unfortunately, I can't speak from any experience here, but I think that you'll feel better and more effective when you can get some space/perspective for your own sanity and health.

 

Another vote for food and/or looking into supplements.

"What's Eating Your Child" by Kelly Dorfman is a great resource - http://www.amazon.com/dp/0761161198/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=11422115619&ref=pd_sl_8ddjnqashg_b. She looks at the food angle AND the "what might be missing/not metabolized very well despite a good diet" here-is-a-supplement angle.

VERY interesting about the gatorade. We have a similar experience with Focus Factor for Kids. I started using it about 2 weeks after DS stopped nursing. It was a temporary measure because it was the only 'vitamin" locally available that did not have his allergens or artificial colors/sweeteners. Within 3 days, he was a new child. And if he missed a day, we'd know by evening (whiny, fussy, prone to breakdowns). Now, 10 months later, he gets it every few days and missed days aren't as noticeable. BUT, it is clear that that particular supplement is providing SOMEthing his brain needs, despite his overall fairly good diet.

Dorfman's book might help you figure out what is missing/wrong, diet/nutrient-wise.