We made a will when the kids were born. My parents will take care of the kids if both of us die, unless they are physically unable. Then it would be my youngest sister. Although her parenting skills aren't as good as our other sister, her husband is very involved with the kids. My other BIL isn't. That was very hard to choose between them. But we had to look at the whole picture. You may want to comprimise a little, unless you want the courts to decide for you.

 

You want someone who would be capable of helping your kids deal with the trauma they had been through to cause them to need guardians in the first place. Maybe this means that you provide for enough life insurance so that one of the people can quit their job and stay home with your children to home school them (or find a home schooling group nearby) and take them to counseling and activities. And so they can put an addition on their home to accommodate the extra people, or even so they can all move to a new house, or so they can move to your house so your kids can stay.

I think flexibility, stability and a willingness to take in traumatized children would be more important to me than their religion. They can always take your kids to church and find them mentors in the faith.

As far as Asperger's, they can learn about that, and if they know your child they will be familiar with it. And if you child has any issues, you should be keeping a binder with medical history, behaviors, coping mechanism's etc.

You aren't going to find a home exactly like yours, and even if you do, your kids will have lost their parents so it wouldn't be the same anyway.

 

We have also ruled out family, although for different reasons. Neither of my sisters is married, and while my younger sister would do a gret job when she's older, she's not in the right place in her life right now. My older sister has two girls, in their preteen years and is a yeller and shamer. My father and step mother are the same. (Nice people, but not who I want raising my child.)

DF's parents were his first pick, but I didn't want them. I really feel they did great with their older kids, who are "typical", but failed both DF and his adopted brother. They are very much "love is enough" kind of people, and honestly sometimes it just isn't. DF was severely depressed through his teen years and it was never treated. (see my sig) The adopted brother came to them at age 9 with lots of issues which were never dealt with. The upshot is that DF and the adopted brother don't speak and haven't in 10 years. They are also very Christian, which isn't something either of us wants for our child.

His siblings are out of the question. They are great, but flaky. It was important to me that whoever has him keep in touch with the rest of the family.

We ended up choosing a close friend. Another MDC mama and her husband. They parent in a similar way (and will tandem nurse him if I died tomorrow) will never let him CIO, gentle discipline etc. And while they have a son of a similar age, I know it would never be "my son and this kid who lives with us" it would be "These are my children". They would make an effort to stay in touch with all of the family. They are just like that. They would drive the four hours to the other grandparents. They would spend Christmas with my family.

That's how we chose, anyway.

 

My main requirements:
- be able to provide a stableloving home
- ability to take on a child with only a moment's notice and be able to provide "extras" like therapy
- someone who wants to raise our children the way we do because they love us and would want to strive to honor us
- someone who has the desire to make sure the kids continue a relationship with their extended families
- practices GD, no-CIO, etc

Issues like religion, schooling, eating organic food, etc are important, but not deal-breakers necessarily. We're atheists and while I would like to find someone who meets the above criteria who is also, I'm willing to negotiate on it (hopefully my kids will be independent thinkers!). Same with school. . .kids are flexible and given the severity of the situation, I would be okay with a different school environment as long as they are being supported and are flourishing.

 

Well when dh and I were making our will we talked a lot about this of course. In the end we decided on his parents although that will change as they get older and potentially less able to care for our children. We chose them mainly because MIL parented a lot like me and believes in bfing, that babies cry for a reason, etc, etc.

Also I do not know my MILs thoughts on the fact that we don't vax BUT I know she would take my ideas about is seriously and she would in turn research vaxes. She's a very smart lady, I know she wouldn't just ask the ped, kwim? She's definitely a free thinker. And honestly if she did all the research and came to the opposite conclusion and vaxed my kids I would be OK with that. I know that probably sounds weird. My in-laws would be responsible care givers because they don't just follow the mainstream and they do their own research and follow their own instincts.

My mom would have the kids at the doctors office in a heartbeat and would have them vaxed immediately

: She would put no thought into it, no research at all. She heard a lady on the news the other day say if we all stopped vaxing all the diseases would come back and basically wipe out the population and she takes those comments as truth. She just doesn't think through things and although she might have all the love in the world for her grandkids I wouldn't be able to risk the non-informed decisions she would make.

 

-Catholic and attend church every Sunday
-aware of peanut allergies and all that it entails (my daughter is allergic.)
-nearby so the kids know them
-not our child's grandparent (we basically decided it was best if grandparents stay parents, not become surrogate parents.)
-married and stable with children (so that they knew how to take care of them.)

We ended up choosing my oldest SIL because she fit all those criteria.

 

We updated our wills recently. We chose a family friend who adores the children. Our parents are not in the best of health, even though they are young. They also don't share our values. Which include:

---books, everywhere books!
----college will be attended
----warm, loving home life
----no forcing religion down our agnostic throats
---the love of life to continue learning and having adventures your whole life!

I'm always shocked to hear that many parents do not take the time and effort to safeguard their children should they pass away. So sad.

 

It's a tough call for me cuz my first choice woudl be my mother who home schools, respects my parenting as far as no CIO, no spanking, etc... And she loves my kids to death. BUT (and this is a BIG but) her husband is severe bi polar and tends to quit hsi meds all the time so their hoem enviroment is less than stable. I keep putting off the will for this reason. I keep hoping she will finally leave him. Otherwise I dont knwo what to do. I fear if I die they will just go to their father who has no part of their life and is into drugs,etc... I'd rather them go to my soon-to-be husband and if both of us die I havent a clue.

 

Our requirements are that they be a serious Christian family who will keep our kids out of public school and refrain from using corporal punishment. We have enough life insurance that the kids would be well taken care of financially if something happened to us.

We have yet to appoint guardians

: but will be doing our will this year.

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I think flexibility, stability and a willingness to take in traumatized children would be more important to me than their religion. They can always take your kids to church and find them mentors in the faith.

Flexibility, stability and a willingness to take in traumatized children are very important, but our children being raised by Christian parents is our absolute first requirement. There's a big difference between being raised in a home where you read and study the Bible, pray together, go to church together, do volunteer and mission work through the church, give to the needy together, etc versus living in a home with someone who doesn't share our faith but would drive the kids to church.

 

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Originally Posted by Twinklefae while my younger sister would do a gret job when she's older, she's not in the right place in her life right now.

This is why my sister is ruled out right now. We may reconsider it in the future.

One note to the OP (I haven't read all replies so excuse me if this has been addressed) is that you can be creative in naming the guardians. Many, many people suggest giving one person/couple physical custody and another financial responsibility, especially in cases where you're saying "X would be a wonderful mother, but she's so crappy with money!" You also can give alternatives so that if for some reason one person can't or doesn't want to take them, the next person named has the option.

We actually don't have a will. We've talked about it numerous times, but we've always gotten stuck on this issue. In case of both our deaths, my FIL is named as life insurance beneficiary, and that likely will remain.

Our criteria are
- people who do not belittle and/or use physical punishment (unfortunately that rules out my mom and my ILs)

- people who are stable (that rules out my dad)

- people who will be involved in the kids' everyday lives

- people who share our core beliefs

I *wish* my brother were more stable because I think he's probably the closest to me of any of our family members. He's great with the kids, but he's single and childless. My SIL also is single and childless, but she's much more financially secure and is "in the lead" right now in our conversations. I know education would be a top priority for her, which is a big, big deal for us.

I just have some trouble asking someone without children to parent ours if we die. It's a huge burden, and then I feel it could get into the situation of her telling us okay but then not wanting to if it actually happens. I think it's easy to say "sure" when you're thinking it's probably not likely.

 

It's a tough decision. Must be, even when the choices are "easy".

In our case, I have a sister who is overweight (to the point of it being a serious helath risk) and has no children. I love her dearly, but this is really a no-go. I think my brother was a great dad, but his wife was absolutely "not my style" in any way, shape or form - parenting, financially, socially, morally.... But my brother died last year so it became a non-issue.

My folks and DHs folks are all approaching 80, so not realistic. DH has a brother and sister in law, and I like and respect the way they raised their 3 children. So we asked them to be god-parents. We have nothing formal, no will, but that is who will get our two babes if we die.

 

We chose my cousin. She is a 40-something single attorney who would love our dd as much as we do. She would respect our wishes in every way, whether or not it aligns with her personal opinions. She would raise dd gently and with respect. That is probably the most important aspect. Being GD. She has a very stable home environment even though there is no husband. She is a serious, knowledge-seeking, intelligent person who stood in line twice when common sense was being handed out. Here is our other criteria:

- Continue dd's education at her private language-immersion school, followed by college
- Exposure to multi-culturalism and multi-lingualism
- While exposing dd to the world's religions is fine, to indoctrinate her -no way
- Give dd plenty of opportunities to visit/spend summers with dh's family in Turkey, including flying her over there and back in her younger years
- raise dd with the same values: like/love people for what's inside, understanding the evils of materialism, respecting others, caring for people, tolerance, realizing our responsibilities as a part of society and family, etc.

 

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I just have some trouble asking someone without children to parent ours if we die. It's a huge burden, and then I feel it could get into the situation of her telling us okay but then not wanting to if it actually happens. I think it's easy to say "sure" when you're thinking it's probably not likely.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Even with children, it can be awkward--my parents are the official 'takers' for my aunt's four kids, but although Mum would certainly do it if required, she shudders at the thought. Two of the kids are rather on the bratty side, and Mum has six of her own, after all! But sadly, my aunt and uncle are going through a (MESSY) divorce at the moment, which presumably lessens their chances of dying together, and thus lets Mum off the hook a little. I think Mum agreed to taking the kids when there were only two of them--the non-bratty two, incidentally--and never 'revoked' it, just hoped it would never come to pass! Not ideal...

In the case of my little sisters, we've always known one of us will have to take our special-needs sister in when Mum and Dad die. At the moment, DH and I are the only likely option, as none of my other sisters are married. I can't say I'm thrilled with the prospect, as said sister and I don't get along that well; but what can you do? Family is family, and Mum would be horrified if B ended up in one of the assisted-living facilities, which are rather dubious, in our town. The other little sisters are easier to get along with, but Mum really wants them to be homeschooled, which makes things a bit trickier again. Again, it'd probably be me and DH.

 

My biggest criteria are that the family be GD and not circumcise. I have tons of preferences about other things, but honestly, I would just want to make sure that DS is with a family who will love, respect, and never shame, mutilate, or hit him. Unfortunately I don't know who we can choose that will do that.

 

For me, it would have to be someone who already knew the boys really well and loved them as part of their family. I can't imagine having someone try to help my kids through dealing with their loss of me if they didn't already have a close relationship. It would have to be someone who shared my values and would offer the kids a life that would somewhat mimic the one I would have given them. I would also want them to be someone who knew *me* really well, because it would be important to me that whoever raised the boys would try to bring little reminders of me into their lives. I'd want them to have stories about me or know quirky little things about me, so when the boys wanted to talk about their mom, their guardian could help them keep a picture of me in their hearts.

I've chosen my mom and step-dad, with my sister and BIL as back-up. All of them are people I'd trust with the boys unconditionally. I know that they'd be respectful of my wishes and would offer the boys a love almost as complete as mine. Plus, their all people my kids know intimately and have a wonderful bond with. If anything could make the transition easier, it would be to be somewhere they already felt "at home".

 

My brothers are much younger than me, and my dh is only father to two of my four. So I want my oldest brother to take custody for me, or one of my cousins. We've talked about it a little. Dh has nothing to say about it. But we do need to make a will. My brother has also agreed to take in my pets if anything happened to me.

 

My choices for my kids are:
1. my mother
2. MIL
3. my brother

Any one of them I'd trust infinitely and implicitly to KNOW what's right for do for my kids. So I guess I don't have any criteria, other than that they love and cherish them and see that they have access to educational opportunities. I know that my kids would feel safe and welcome with any of those three family members. Other stuff is only a sideline that that, ya know?

 

I wanted a couple in a long-term, loving, stable relationship, who will keep our kids in the same general geographic area where we live. We both have some sibs who live far away, but the bulk of the family is here, and we want our kids to have the stability of growing up around their extended family.

Beyond that, there were a few criteria. Most of my family is catholic and we are not. It is extremely important for me that the kids NOT be raised catholic, and that ruled out some of my sibs. My two brothers are both married to wonderful women, who are terrific mothers and they are awesome dads, so those are the families named in our will. Some of dh's sibs are in more traditional families, with Dad not being too involved in the kids' lives, and that's a non-starter for us.

I'm not too concerned with AP being a requirement. Nobody in our family uses corporal punishment so that's not an issue. I'm more interested in my kids being raised with a lot of love and laughter.

 

We haven't decided but my main criteria are:

-Someone who would love the children as much as, if not in the same way as, their own
-Someone who is healthy enough that they could reasonably be expected to live long enough to take care of the kids well
-Someone who is mentally well
-Someone who would want them
-Someone who would not suffer financial hardship with the addition of the kids

I would like for that person to share all my values but just finding one of the above would be tough. I think that when we go back to the US I will ask my sister. She previously said she didn't want kids but now she's expecting. I just want to make sure her husband doesn't approve of corporal punishment. They are very, very, very different from us but they are family and I know they have the capacity for love that we want. DH's relatives are all too poor and my mother's health is not ideal.

 

My biggest criteria are:

- people who are stable, loving, and "together" enough to love my son for the person he is and treat him with love, dignity, and respect

We have chosen some cousins of my husband's, which would annoy all our siblings if they knew, but they fit best into that category. They are different from us and would do some things differently, but everything they do makes sense to me and I believe my son would have a good life with them.

They would inherit 50% of our assets to use for the whole family (so that if my son "needs" a trip to Europe, everyone can go; if counselling is needed, everyone can go, etc.) and the rest would go in trust for my son.

 

We would probably choose my dad and stepmom. We believe that children thrive in two parent families and that is what we would want for our children should something happen to us. They're the only ones that fit that criteria on both sides of the family. That and they're the only ones I really trust to carry on with my parenting beliefs and take them seriously.

 

Someone that will be GD and treat ds with respect, is one of our top requirements.
Someone who is in a stable place. Meaning, people with a history of unstable relationships are out, people who can't ever keep the same residence for an entire year, are out (that last one would be my dad).
Conscious of healthy choices.
Not racist, homophobic, etc.

I'm sure it's important to dp that ds not be coerced into going to any religious service.

That could be it.

We are going to ask my SIL and BIL if they would. They are pg with their first child, but I'm quite sure they will be GD (DP and SIL were parented very respectfully). If how they train their dog says anything, BIL is firm but very gentle and respectful. He's made a few comments that make me think that would apply to their kids as well (he was appalled that I held ds down to brush his teeth). They have a healthy active lifestyle, and a healthy relationship. Neither of them smoke.
Actually, they are as close to perfect as I could imagine getting.

My mom is a good mom, she's pretty gd (heavy on praise and rewards, but oh well). But my step dad is an alcoholic (a functioning one, but still), and can get intolerable when he drinks. Oh, and my mom smokes. So they're a no go.

My aunt, I don't think she could discipline if her life depended on it. I'm sure she'd let ds throw legos at her if he wanted to. And her hubby is, um, interesting, to put it nicely. He's obsessed with guns, and has a plan for 'when' there is a hostile takeover of their town. Oh, and he hits their dogs.

My brother and dad, um, not even worth considering. Both are very unstable when it comes to money. My brother is no stranger to getting in trouble with the law, or drugs.

My IL's would be fine, but they are older, and FIL has healthy concerns. Not out of the question, but not our first choice simply because of those things. Otherwise, they are very respectful and make relatively healthy choices.

My grandparents are getting older. They would be ok. Ds would be spoiled like there's no tomorrow. lol.

 

We did not choose family to take out children in case we died. Unfortunately no one fit the bill plus they didn't want to take on five children. We were lucky that we have best friends willing to step up and raise the kids should the worst happen. We chose them based on the fact they have been our friends a long time and could really give our kids a history of who we are as people, that they shared similar parenting and spiritual beliefs that we do, and that love our kids like they are theirs.

 

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Originally Posted by elmh23 -Catholic and attend church every Sunday -aware of peanut allergies and all that it entails (my daughter is allergic.) -nearby so the kids know them -not our child's grandparent (we basically decided it was best if grandparents stay parents, not become surrogate parents.) - Quote: married and stable with children (so that they knew how to take care of them.) We ended up choosing my oldest SIL because she fit all those criteria.

You don't have to be either to love kids kindly with respect and honor them.

 

We had a very, very hard time with this decision.

Our choices were our siblings, really. For various reasons, each person seemed questionable, but it really came down to their responses.

One sister said, upon "asking" her husband, "I don't know. How many more kids are they going to have, anyways?" The second said "I would love to, but let me double check with my spouse", and then got back to me and said that yes, they would do it. The last, my BIL, said "Absolutely." There were no hesitations, no questions, no worrying about the amount of money we'd be able to leave the kids, or how many there were. No worry that at this rate, it would give THEM 6 kids to raise, or anything. Just absolute acceptance of a potential, but unlikely, situation.

There are benefits to each of the homes, but the biggest factor was that I wanted my kids to grow up feeling loved and wanted and as a part of a family, if I die. NO ONE will raise them how I want to. I'm raising my kids in a Christian home in Canada, and while it would be easiest if that's continued, I'll be just as happy if they wind up in the very non-traditional home of my sister, but will support them in whatever they choose to do.

The hardest thing was realizing that the most "stable" appearing home would also be the most controlling one. And that it made me sad, because while I love that family, I don't want my kids a part of it as their primary home.

IMO, things like homeschooling and a specific religion wind up taking a back seat to the overall well-being. I want my kids to be happy. They will take their own path anyways, and they need a family that will support them in doing so.